The designation of terms is something that we all understand but what's not there are the details that tell the truth about what each of us feels in relation to an expression so when we listen, rather than hear what is being said, it is our personal experience that dictates our reaction to what others are saying. That, unfortunately, often leads to misunderstandings that feed the very hell we hope to stop. Even when we have similar knowledge of a particular word, we can still respond in a completely different way as a reflection of our personal value of it. There are even times where we will make light of a situation or react strongly when understanding does not exist because of a limited view. Let's start here with the word home and what it comfortably and uncomfortably holds for you as well as for me. That term is defined as the location that one grew up in or currently resides in and as the focusing in on a particular point. An address or a matter can hold a mess, indifference, love, well-being, fear, grief, pain, fabulousness and so much more depending upon what our individual experiences are with it. We recognize it most often as something that is on the outside of ourselves, a visible place to be, but within that definition is an unseen and unthought of location that we each hold in the place that needs us most; also known as our hearts. That particular site also carries a variety of feelings but it has always been so much simpler to view and describe it as a changeable destination than it has been to be aware of it's existence within us and how what lives there matters more than the building we reside in. Ryan's addiction brought the realization that each of us needed to come home within ourselves. We had to discover, through a series of movements, what we think and feel about our experiences that have occurred while together as well as not together. Since his death, the term home has evolved even more into the definition of a locality, on the inside as well as the outside, where I feel safe to just be whether I am all right or not. Because some will and some won't, there have been expectations that I either keep my grief to myself or that I behave as I did prior to his death or at the very least give the appearance of being so. That familiar projection also happened during the years of Ryan's substance use so I am aware of how it felt in the yesterdays, it's part in my walking in circles and falling as well as it's potential to effect me today. The real truth is that it is impossible to be all right in every moment and being safe or home means that I accept and love myself in all of the ways that I can be even when grief, fear and pain is illuminated in the very loud voice of anger or through my tears that show up when I least expect them. In other words, I will never again be who I was in the yesterdays so I might as well be who I am today because it's where being possible is waiting for me. This is me but it is also you even when our details are different. After all, another moment has passed that has forever changed who we are, sometimes for the better and at other times for the worse, but always as a series of movements leading us towards understanding if we turn around to view and feel it. What about my story feels familiar for you? Do you understand how difficult it is to have a mess that others would prefer not to see and have the expectation of a closed door? Or is it you that has desired to not to have it follow you wherever you go? What, then, would you say is your word? Why is it that particular term? It is good to be home in the place that you should zero in on because it is the location that has developed from the details of your kind of life, it's where you will always live regardless of your address and it's what you are going through with no matter what you wish for. Give yourself a moment to recollect yourself and your collection of things then have the best day possible for you as you leave the door open to your home as you get comfortable with being safe even when that means the use of a lot of tissues, saying "I am sorry" and of course "oh hell those "f" moments" Love Always, Heavell
The way we use value to determine whether people, places, things, behaviors or even words are acceptable is often based from a limited view rather than our being aware of all the details, or even the lack there of, that are a part of something or someone. Demeanor, motion, outcomes and appearances can imply the presence of only forward steps or the opposite depending upon what we think we see and yet shifting, missteps, a missing course of action as well as dreaded falls can be found in some form in everything in a different truth. Let's take the simple statement of "don't do drugs" and it's directness that holds the hope of stopping a very complicated and difficult issue before it can begin through the awareness of how substances can effect some individuals. That expression was uttered so many times in our home, on the inside, as my children were growing up and even as they went through their school drug prevention programs, on the outside. Personally I do not know any parents, including those whose child is a substance user, who did not have the same expectations as me that the words "don't do drugs" would result in the desired and acceptable outcome for our children. Years later when it became apparent that those straight words had not vetoed the use of substances by Ryan, that expression evolved rapidly into the next blunt and obvious set of terms known as "STOP doing drugs" Both of those phrases are actually something that I regret having ever said. Say what? Those easy words of "don't start" and "just stop" have the appearance of a straightforwardness that we can all understand and follow through with and yet they are a green truth because simple words are not enough when we are facing life altering things and or moments. It's like repeatedly saying "calm down" to someone who is acting out of control even though no one has ever relaxed because of that statement and it often actually makes the situation worse by down playing, that devaluing of, that person's feelings. Why do we leave out the particulars that can help us go through? It is not our ability to understand what each phrase means or the potential of how substances can effect us but rather a complicated collection of things that cycle within the place that needs us most that has the actual power to cause those falls and the ability to lift us up as well. We are all able to perceive of the fact and the opinion that no one ever aspired to become an addict nor feels that he or she will until it happens but by implying that one needs to only think to not begin or to end it continues to feed the very hell we appear to want to "STOP" In other words, it doesn't have to be perfect but it does have to be the all of us and that includes, most importantly, what we experience as individuals in this so very heavell life otherwise we have a missing course of action that is and will continue to be detrimental to finding and holding onto prevention and change. So why do I have guilt and grief over using the expressions "DON'T start" and "STOP" even though both were what my mind kept saying over and over? Does something about that part of my story seem familiar to you either because you did it too or you listened to it just like Ryan? The real truth is that those effortless phrases hold exactly what defines them, no mental effort, despite our being on a very messy trail that requires continual adaptations to navigate it especially if addicted. They also imply substance users are impossible, regardless of our intentions. Can we truly be surprised, then, at that being an "f" moment and not one of the good ones? It was certainly an eye-opener for me as well as for many of the parents of addicts that I have met over the years. Give me a moment to recollect myself. Oh hell, give yourself a moment to recollect yourself as well. This is life so let's lean in to hear what's there rather than just staying within that limited view that actually holds missteps for us. After all, we also have always had the choice to not repeat today what was done yesterday just as we have expected of addicts. Both Ryan and I needed our matter of time to perceive of and then understand that. My regret lies in my having thought that he was the only one who needed to change and that my actions were effortless even when my motion implied otherwise. Be loud and be kind but most of all have the best day possible for you as you recollect yourself because it is always good to be home where there is great value in being who you are. Love Always, Heavell.
It is simple enough to treasure the moments where we can laugh because we or they can be just that fabulous but it has never ever been easy to value the moments that hold our pain even though both are the how we live and the what that makes us who we are as individuals. In fact and opinion, our appreciation of the moments that feel good is so great that it encourages us to do things so that we appear to be all right even when we are not. Or perhaps it's the fear as well as the real truth of being judged by others that has us hiding and denying anything that could possibly be seen as weakness especially when the expectation is for us to be acceptable. However by stepping in that direction, we lose ourselves in ways that trouble our hearts far more than any of the "f" moments and falls that we will always carry with us. How much more traumatic is it then to not only feel our pain that lives on the inside but to also be in the position of having to deny it's existence? In other words, our weight of the world is a far more complicated place that can't just be "gotten over" because, after all, it has a way of showing up when we least expect it or want it. Last week I spent some time with a young man who has a smile that is as bright as a star on a dark night and a laugh that is so infectious that you can't help but giggle right along with him. He will tell you that he is all right in this so very heavell life but if you lean in to hear and view beyond what is just in front, you can catch a glimpse of his pain when it illuminates in his eyes even as he laughs so hard that his stomach hurts. He is an addict in denial of his coping through substance use as well as standing guard in front of the door that hides his mess. He and I are distinctly different and yet we also share some similarities in what we allow others to see about ourselves and our grief; that view of our green truth on the outside versus the real truth that lives within. What about his story, if anything, feels familiar, comfortable or even uncomfortable for you? Are you able to talk straight to not only yourself but to others as well? You know, it doesn't have to be perfect but it does have to be the all of you because a whole needs all of it's parts to make a series of movements towards change even if that motion includes falling and being scared. There is laughter that comes from the moments that we love and then there is laughter that hides what hurts and both can hold tears that need tissues. There is anger that suggests it's strength and then there is fear that implies the absence of courage and yet anger can also be weakness while fear is able to be the step before strength is found. There is grief that comes from loss and then there is grief from "f" moments and traumas that also contain losing because grief is about all sorts of things and not just people. There is beauty that is easy to see and agree upon and then there is beauty that can only be defined by each individual and can't be seen by everyone. This is you and this is me whether an addict or not. In every moment, feeling, word or just about anything that you can think of there is a different truth that can be found to help you to understand, also known as to appreciate, the person that you are going through with especially when being kind to yourself is so hard to do. Those tough lessons have never been meant to destroy you or to be repeated nor are they an indication that you are weak and impossible even if the appearance of the fact and the opinion feels just like that. It's good to be home in the place that needs you most because it's not the absence of messes or the impression of not having any that makes you all right but rather it's the believing in and using your whole story that does. Have the best day possible for you because for me it's the kind of day where I am going to need a lot of tissues as I continue to learn that my weeds are just as valuable as my flowers even though I also prefer the moments that are just so fabulous that I can laugh until my stomach hurts. Love Always, Heavell
There will always be feelings or people or even things that have the ability to disrupt or restrict our steps as we take our matter of time on our trails. When that happens it is simple enough for us to move right back into a behavior that we had hoped was left as a part of the yesterdays even though we all know that change that stays has never ever been an easy action to hold on to. When that adversity occurs, our courage that has helped us to believe that we are all right will disappear into the shadows leaving us to fear that we will never find it again or perhaps it's that we doubt that we ever had it to begin with. Even the others in our lives can be filled with trepidation as the emergence of what has already been creates the uncertainty that any forward motion was in opinion, or maybe even in fact, not the real truth because fear and pain has a way of making it feel just like that. It is also so much easier for us to be aware of what has not been acceptable or at least has the appearance of being so than it is to reflect on every single all right moment that is a part of us as well. Have you ever noticed how the voice of one messy moment or part can control and even silence all the other things that are meant to help us breathe? It's at those significant times of believing in being impossible, not the actual moments that we regress, that we lose ourselves. It is also the time when we feed the hell the most on the inside as well as around us. After all, we are usually so focused on the action of falling that we fail, another one of those dreaded "f" moments, to recognize that it is a response to what is already living in the place that needs us most. Word by word and moment by moment think about and then feel how you felt before you plummeted because it's there that you can begin to get acquainted with yourself again. In other words, those falls reflect the collection of things within you that need for you to find understanding for them. Not to excuse what's there but to recognize and illuminate how it has and will continue to effect you until you change the power of it. So let's start with what you see in the mirror today. How does that image compare with what you saw in the yesterdays; even the one from long ago? What feels familiar; especially the things that are uncomfortable? Are there any differences now or is it really just more of the same? In that view of yours, though, be aware that there is a difference between what you believe has come together and not together for you and what you have accepted as you listened to the perspectives on the outside of yourself. It doesn't have to be perfect but it does have to be you because you can't change what isn't yours to begin with and you can't become the beauty found in someone else's definition of it. Hello this is you and this is me. Sometimes we are worse but in other moments we are all right and occasionally we laugh until our stomachs hurt because we are just that fabulous. If you are going to do what I say then get ready for the fall because steps, also known as change and growth, are a series of movements that just happen to include tripping, going back, moving forward and walking in circles. No matter what has been in the yesterdays, today is the kind of day where you can cry here, be fearful as well as in pain, and then begin the movement of courage because sometimes the small things are the best place to just be who you are. Be loud and be kind while you have the best day possible for you since it doesn't have to be perfect. Love Always, Heavell.
There is a difference between what we believe will make us happy and what we accept as the causes of our suffering and yet depending upon what's there or the place that we are at on our trails, our opinions of each can be changed with just the occurrence of a moment or a step or even with the discovery of a different truth. After all, we can fall in love without really perceiving of the all of someone and assume things about people we don't really know even though the fact is love is always easy when adversity is not involved and we hate when we are judged and not heard as well. We can also fall for things that are on the outside of ourselves, such as someone else's thought of what beauty is or what the value of our own pain is, despite that being in direct conflict with what we feel and hold on the inside of ourselves. We can even have all the items that we think will make us happy, the appearance of having it all, and still find that we are unable to cope through the conflicts while we can be a mess as well as a sometime warrior but only be seen for our chaos. Or we can feel fear and be in pain and express it in it's loudest voice known as anger, or even through substance use, but be thought of as being unacceptable, fallen, even when others respond in a similar way but say their behavior is justified and acceptable. Why is that? There is a difference between what we actually feel and think as well as what others have come to believe and accept because no two people have experienced this kind of life or recognized a view in an exact duplicate manner despite any similarities that we may have. The heart may hold the pain that we do not want to acknowledge but it is actually the place that can help us the most because no matter what words we say to ourselves, or others do, we can't talk our hearts out of feeling what's living there; especially those blahs that are from long ago in the yesterdays. This starts with our collection of things that only we hold that can show up to create chaos when we least expect them to and when we seem to be all right because love, even for ourselves, is never ever easy nor without conflict. Those particular objects and parts are what we are going through with so we might as well just be who we are. Hello, it's good to be home in the place that needs us most if we want to find understanding for what hurts and then change it into superpowers; also known as using what has seemed to be weaknesses and impossibilities to discover what has always been meant to become strengths and possibilities. In other words you can't change your weeds, those dreaded "f" moments, into fabulous flowers but you can carry them not as the definer of you but as the parts that are helping you to get to know you. So what is in the words that you say? Are you giving yourself a moment to lean in to hear if they are expressing what you really feel? What will you do now with the knowledge of what you have believed and accepted? Can you turn around and find a different truth to help you? Or are you going to continue to feed the hell by falling for the views that live outside of you? I am going to wait right here because there is a difference between us and what works for me is not necessarily what is in your best interest but together and not together we can change what needs to be. Oh hell, if you need help then ask for it because that is a strength but remember you are going through with the all of you not what others are working with no matter what you or they wish for. Be kind because, in just a moment, we can all plummet when carrying the weight of the world or through our words or for a love that is easy until it's not. Grab some tissues and hold on because it just might be a beautiful day where you can cry here and laugh until your stomach hurts or just be. Whatever you choose to do, have the best day possible in your so very heavell life. Love Always, Heavell
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