Coming to terms with all of the possible definitions and emotions that can be held by just a single phrase means finding what brings us together but more importantly what separates us and ultimately effects our understanding of each other. In other words, what we know about expressions has been determined by not only their designated definitions but also in how they have been experienced in whatever kind of life we have. The knowledge of those encounters lives on the inside and value that is determined from the outside doesn't take into consideration the moments that make terms personal for each of us. Even our gray lines are a part of how we react to and use words and they can fluctuate depending on the place that we are at or the individuals we are dealing with. Trust, for instance, is a word that we think and feel represents the safe keeping of people, places and things. We use it as our guide in deciding who we have a belief in or not but if you turn around, you will see that we will count on someone even though we are aware he or she tell lies while at the same time determining that another individual is completely impossible because that person tells lies as well. We will even accept deception from ourselves in certain scenarios as long as we feel there is justification for it. Trust, in a different truth, appears to have boundaries but it is more often an open door to what can be or is a mess. What does it mean for us, then, when an individual's actions change how we view him or her; such as in the behaviors of an addict? During Ryan's years of substance use, my confidence in him was continually challenged, even in the moments that he was sober, because once our trust has been broken, especially repeatedly, it is very difficult to not continue to feel fear even if we are or appear to be safe. When we are in that place we need concrete things that can be easily seen, such as the steps that support sobriety, because within them is a belief, a hope, that our lost individuals are back on the trail to being reliable and or sober. What's not there, though, is the understanding that addiction, trust, change or even words have never ever been that simple because of the things that separate us. So each time that Ryan fell, I did as well by breathing in the pain of those moments and the deception that surrounded them. I even became untrustworthy myself and I felt so very justified in being in that place. That cycle, that mess, was repeated by the both of us for years. It took a toll on my mind and my heart, effecting every part of my life, and because of that I reached a point of thinking "I can't do this anymore" while also feeling "there's no way I can lose him to this" I am not sure in which moment it occurred but I realized that I was correct in thinking that I could no longer do this but not in the way or for the reason you might think. I began contemplating the term trust and how it was defined by me as well as Ryan. He was, after all, working with what he had and I was using what I had. Our differences, our personal views and experiences, made it impossible for us to completely come together and by trying to have him follow a belief that I had in what that term meant, I was facilitating the very hell I wanted to go away. So I began working on trusting myself instead of expecting him to prove he was reliable. That is what I could do and it ultimately turned out to be where my power, my superpower, lived. It didn't change things immediately but step by step and moment by moment I was able to relax and so was Ryan. He was then able to say and to hear what needed to be by having a belief in himself through what the word trust and other ones held for him. What had been impossible then became possible even when there were missteps or falls by him, myself or others. This is me, this was Ryan and somewhere in here is you as well. Take the time to find what you need from yourself in order to be all right, what you can and cannot do, because that is where your superpower breathes. Have the best day possible for you in this so very heavell life because it's your belief that will always get you through. Love Always, Heavell.
Just like how words carry different emotional definitions for each of us, our personal gray lines on the inside can fluctuate from moment to moment, feeling to feeling and person to person. What we won't accept from one person will often be something that we will tolerate and excuse from someone else or even from ourselves. Let's start with the terms lost and found as well as what we believe to be a part of being one or the other. Each of us has a perception of what being off-course means, not together, and it is often easier to see someone as being in that place when it pertains to not having concrete things such as jobs, education, a home or items. What's not there though is the different truth that one can have all or some of those pieces while still being adrift in feelings, possibilities, communication, connections, understanding and love. In other words, the perception of being lost appears to be defined by the lack of easily seen things but there are far more hidden details in actually being in that place than what we can possibly determine from just the view in front of us. Even the value of being found, having it together, is represented as having or achieving things and yet the absence of those objects is not an accurate reflection of anyone's knowledge, possibilities, experiences, understanding, connections or strength because those particular entities live on the inside where they can't be seen. What, then, does it means to be lost as well as to be found for you? Why is that? Are you aware that in order to be located you have to have been misplaced to begin with because those two words can only exist in the presence of each other just as fear and courage do? How would you feel if what you believe made you who you are simply disappeared? Now turn around and look at the others in your life and what you view they hold as well as what you are willing to accept from each of them. Is it easier to tolerate actions in some moments, for some things or only for some people based upon what you believe they have? Why is that? This past Monday, Memorial Day, was the two year anniversary of Ryan's death. Rather than being able to just focus on the memories of his life, those "f" moments that were fabulous as well as the failed ones, and what I believe has been learned from him, an addict amongst the group had a major life event that thrust everyone into a mess. In that chaos, gray lines, values, words and the tolerating of some things from only some people came into my view as someone who was, for the most part, on the outside of the situation. There was even two different views from two of the positions on the circle of the situation comparing the value of items versus the trauma of the scenario. What wasn't there when that adversity came to be was the love always that was actually needed by all for all. It has always been easier to be supportive or to appear to be when everything is all right but open the door to pain and fear and see how quickly we each become adrift, not together, despite the collection of things that we believe say we are together. I have to acknowledge that I felt angry about the mess and the behaviors of those involved. Controversary is never convenient nor simple and it often comes when we don't want it which is actually never. As I turn around and look at all of the objects that I have accumulated over the years, not a single one is useful in helping me to go through on my trail especially when my grief feels like the weight of the world in my heart as it was on Monday. So despite the appearance of having it together through the image of my things, I actually still get lost periodically and I don't always handle life well like when the loud voice of fear or pain is expressed through my anger. It is, however, good to be home within me because while I am not always all right, I know that being adrift is the moment before stepping into being located regardless of the time it takes for me to get there. New gray lines have emerged for me from this past mess because it is about love always for myself. Only I can define what I will tolerate or not and what I can or cannot do otherwise the value of anything will be decided on the outside of myself which, just like easily seen concrete things, won't help me go through in this so very heavell life and will actually facilitate the continuation of my walking in circles instead; also known as the feeding of hell. This is me and this is also you whether you are an addict or not. Have the best day possible for you regardless of being together or not while on your journey. Be kind and be loud while you Love Always. Heavell
Greetings. Today, Heavell is sharing the words of Vicky DiNicola, a mother who lost her dream to an overdose in August of 2020. She is a sometime warrior in a variety of ways and a wonderful writer. Lean in as you read her words so that you may not only perceive of her but also find understanding for you. This is a journey that holds similarities for all of us but our details are what defines this in a personal and individual way just like it does for each addict. We each have to find what we can or cannot do while always expressing that answer with love on the inside as well as on the outside of ourselves. What do you believe is your thin gray line? How do you feel about that? Every dream matters whether here or not. Be kind and be loud as you have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell
Traditional addiction therapy and recovery experts have always coached the mothers, fathers, siblings, family members and friends of those struggling with addiction to steer away from offerings of food, housing and financial support for fear of "enabling" the addict. "Let them hit bottom" they say. "If you give them resources they'll only use it for drugs and alcohol" they say. This was a common mantra in our family dealing with our adult son who was an heroin addict but also an insulin dependent diabetic with special medical, nutritional and behavioral health needs. It's complex and it's stressful to know which side of that thin gray line to stay on. Were we "enabling" or "supporting" him? We wanted to support his medical and nutritional needs without enabling his addiction. It was a constant battle for us.
To combat this "enabling vs. supporting" game, we conjured up lots of tricks. We would call in a pizza or food for pick up rather than send him cash. We would send him gift cards that could only be spent at the grocery store so that he couldn't trade it on his last fatal dose of heroin, meth or other cocktails of life sucking drugs. On rare occasions we even made home cooked meals and delivered them to his latest crash pad, complete with clothing, blankets and hygiene supplies. Anything but give him cash. Of course we always gave him the option to come home and often times he did. He stayed for months at a time working on his recovery until eventually he decided to go out on his own again, despite all our concerns and objections. In the end we learned the only thing we were managing was our own fear. What we learned is that heroin addicts will say anything, even to their mothers that they love so much, in order to get their next fix. They will lie. They will manipulate. They will play on the emotions of those who love them the most. They will do this even when they hit their absolute bottom.
So looking back at that thin gray line, here is what I now believe. First, there is no play book that helps you to distinguish between the real needs of your loved one and their addiction. Assuming the first premise is true, then the only play is to sincerely, honestly and non-judgmentally connect with your loving addict. Keeping the lines of communication wide open and safe from harsh criticism and judgement is everything. As long as you have a safe communication channel you might be able to distinguish between the honest bodily needs and the addiction but be smart about the bull shit. Call them on that when you need to but draw them back quickly and with love. I'll be honest, there were lots of times when it was just easier to send the cash rather than engage in deep conversations. There were even a few times during our 18 year journey when we just "busted his balls" for the poor choices he made. But in the end I believe that navigating through the frustration and irritation of your addict's latest "failure" with calm, cool, nonjudgmental and even a loving attitude is everything.
I won't promise you that this is a recipe for success. The last night that we spoke with our son Michael, we had a great talk and we made plans to see each other in the following days. Our conversation was filled with humor, love and understanding. It was also filled with some dialogue about personal accountability and a few words of guidance about his health. But in the end there was love. A few days later Michael caught a bad batch of heroin combined with fentanyl and accidentally overdosed. He died on August 28, 2020.
After years of rehab programs and family counseling with our son, my husband and I can honestly look in the mirror and say we did everything that we could to create a different outcome. In the end, it was Michael's choice to continue his journey into self-destruction. But we can look back and say the last conversation we had with Michael was loving and positive. That's all we can do. That's perhaps all that Michael could do as well. In the end, positive and loving communication was everything. We don't look back and feel we enabled our son. Instead, we supported him to the best of our ability. While at times that line between support and enablement was hazy and unclear, we were always conscious of that line and tried to honor the boundaries. It's no easy path but we encourage others on this journey to look for their own guideposts and to define their own thin gray line.
Weeds are things, moments and feelings that can be found anywhere but more importantly is how they live and breathe on the inside of us where they are especially unwanted. They compete for our attention against our flowers and can trick us into believing that they are all that we are by using our grief as a reminder of what has been done, lost and a failure. They are so strong that even just one can find it's way through a closed door into the light so that it's voice may be heard in our thoughts and then expressed in our behaviors as well as the words that we say. When we least expect them, a moment can remind us of what lives there, sending us backwards and further encouraging us to believe that we are exactly what those weeds appear to say we are. What's not there, though, is the understanding that they, those weeds, hold the hope that we will keep them close not as confirmation of being impossible but as a part of our turning ourselves into something else. After all, within them is the unseen and unthought of definition, a different truth, that we have always needed to lean in to hear instead of listening to the pain that so easily exists in our hearts and minds. In any kind of life, the "f" moments, meandering and the BLAH are a part of our finding our own way as the individual definers of terms such as beauty, breathing, messes, brave and being home. Wanting just flowers, then, may be what we think we should have but because this is life in a so very heavell way, the people, places, things and feelings that we experience will hold all that can be found within them and around them just as we do. In other words, in a distorted field of view, others may appear to only have flowers or happiness but conflict or hell from their moments is never really that far away particularly in that place that can't be seen from the outside. It's what we do with those weeds that determines what we believe about ourselves and then what we share to the outside. It also effects whether we are home within ourselves or looking for that feeling through people, places or things such as substances. This doesn't have to be perfect but it does have to be the all of you because what has already been can't be undone nor can you just get over what's breathing there. This weekend is the two year mark of the beginning of Ryan's fall into that three week battle for his life. I remember every moment, thought and feeling from that time as if it were yesterday. Chaos doesn't always bring out the best in us and our fear of the uncertainty can pound so loudly in our hearts that just the act of breathing can be a challenge that lasts well into the tomorrows. Since his death, I have experienced a lot of feelings that have made me uncomfortable which really has been very much like how I felt over the years of his addiction despite the different details. Along the way of both, I have had moments of bravery, strength, weakness, fear, sometime warrior actions, the discovery of superpowers and a whole lot of meandering while also falling in my words and actions. I was also in the position of hating every weed that has been a part of this journey, there's my angry voice of fear, making it hard to find understanding for Ryan's words of "be grateful for the lessons mom especially the tough ones" that came towards the end of his life. The thought of "what if" he had figured that out sooner instead of hating his weeds has hurt a lot in my heart but thinking and feeling that won't change what has already been. It doesn't really matter that he was the addict and that I was the mother trying to help him save himself because all of it is intertwined in our feeding of the hell but it does matter that those weeds eventually helped us to transform ourselves, bringing us home, even though it was a painful way to go through. So how are you feeling about the "f" moments in your life especially those dreaded ones? Are you feeling safe with you or do you need more time to stop feeding the hell that lives there? This starts with you so open that door and get comfortable with those weeds because wherever you go, they will follow so you might as well be who you are and transform them into the definition of what's possible. Be kind, be loud and grab some tissues for those tears that live deep within you from what makes you laugh until your stomach hurts and of course your pain. Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell
How we carry our weeds says more about the place that we are at on the inside than the actual number of "f" moments that have been a part of our kind of lives or even the flowers that have been gathered along the way as well. It has always been far easier for us to have a distorted belief of those items even though the fact is that all things are in the process of becoming something else. That matter of time and the effort that it takes for each to do so is often not what we hope for and because of that it effects our understanding and opinion that backwards and non-motion play a role in a series of movements towards transformation. So which part of a "fall" or "failed" moment is holding you back: it's actual occurrence or how it now safely exists within you? Is it just one more thing that comfortably implies that you are impossible through your field of view? In other words, are you believing in it's importance as a sign of your weakness so much so that it has become home for you? How difficult is it, then, to implement change when the place that needs you most has already decided that evolving is unobtainable because of what's breathing there? Over those years of Ryan's substance use there were so many times that I thought the words "I can't do this" in my mind but more importantly was how strongly I felt them in my heart as an unrealized expression of my fear. Not knowing what to do or not being able to breathe and step when there is a mess is an appropriate response but that understanding does not quiet the loud voices of failure and impossible adding to what is already being dealt with. I know that in the yesterdays Ryan felt exactly as I did, together, even though we held different positions in his addiction, not together. After all, both confusion and doubt lead to our walking in circles for far longer than we should because of the uncertainty that can be found in this so very heavell life and ourselves. Even those who have felt strong and sure of themselves can find that when in chaos, the door to their strength is no longer open or useable and the unfamiliar and uncomfortable one of weakness is like a gaping hole in the place that needs them most. This has been me and this has also been Ryan which led to even more bewilderment and meandering as we wondered how we found ourselves in the hell of addiction and why we couldn't get out of it with just our strength. The answer was hidden in our weeds rather than any flowers that we had but our distorted field of view made it appear to be otherwise. So how are you feeling? Are you safe with you or are the things that hurt home within you instead? Why is that? Whether you are faced with a choice, a chance or a crisis, going through requires the use of all of you but especially those weeds. In a different truth, but still a very real one, those things are a part of the series of movements before you gain a step towards understanding that your trail and beauty holds unexpected turns, falls, rises and a whole lot of meandering. That is an easy and simple statement for anyone to say about "this is life" but what's not there are the details of how complicated, difficult and even painful it really can be to navigate it especially while also carrying the weight of the world. The value of that lives within the beholder of it all not as a fact or opinion found on the outside. Go farther on the inside of you because there is laughter there despite your field of view that only sees weakness and failure. You can either illuminate what needs to be yourself or it can throw light on you in ways that you never ever wished for because tricks are not just for substances but can also be found in the things that hurt as well as any distorted field of view. Have the best day possible for you as you open the door to remembering that being home or safe starts within you and what you define there. Oh hell just give yourself a moment to breathe because without the presence of weeds we, as well as all that makes us who we are as individuals, would become the real definition of impossible when our abilities to turn them into something else is no longer a possibility. In the field of view, that would appear to be a far bigger "f" moment than anything we already carry unless of course you are comfortable with believing that the objects in the mirror will continue to define who you are and not in a fabulous way. Love Always, Heavell.
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