It has never ever been said that someone is excited about or looking forward to the hell in life; oh hell yeah! In fact the very aspect of it elicits fear, surprise, denial and pain; which can all be expressed in the form of anger. As it is though, it is a part of a life that is so very heavell. How we deal with the all that has been, or can be, determines how long we will stay there. One part of the whole, or one tree in the forest, can cause a fall into the place that no one aspires to be in; whether an addict or not. The beauty that is located in the shadows of hell is the creation of discovery and change; as well as the sometime warriors. The moments are ours, alone, to have and to hold; learning to be all right no matter where we are. Being in that place is not the same as viewing it from the outside. Even if it seems to be familiar, what makes it different is the individual who has found his or herself there. That person's parts, moments, feelings and even the BLAH have come together in a distinctive manner; regardless of the similarities to anyone else. Each of us has been tasked with waiting, stepping forward, falling and walking in circles on our trails. Through all of the different perspectives that are available to us, we can view more than what is easily seen from our own positions; helping ourselves and others. What is your perception of this so very heavell life? What feelings have you chained to your words? What if in a moment like this, you were ready to be all right even with fallen parts; whether an addict or not? Here's to the hope that we will see through you and you will see through us; in ways that lift all of us up to do this better.
I spent some time talking with someone who was feeling overwhelmed by the hell in his life; he is not an addict. He alternated between his feelings carrying the weight of the world and not being of any consequence. Can you understand his behavior? Do you believe that your feelings are significant or not? This person is aware of the greatest hell that has occurred in my life; and that a part of me is still there. As he spoke, he also continually attempted to tell me that his pain did not equal mine. It is amazing how we really can be very much alike when we find ourselves in the place that requires us to feel what is unfamiliar and uncomfortable; and unwanted. However this life is not a comparison especially as it pertains to pain and the dealing with it; because it's all different on the inside of different people. What does matter, though, is how you feel because your weight of the world has the ability to cause you to fall; just as mine is able to do the same for me. Ryan, for years, did everything he could in order to use drugs and I did all that I could to try and stop him; because lies, denial and tricks aren't just for drugs. Each day we behaved in the same manner as we had in the yesterdays; while always expecting a different outcome. It was a matter of time before we were able to make it more about us and less about the substances. Change has never ever been that easy and it often takes one little step and one big fall at a time; whether an addict or not. Be in the moment when you are happy but also be there when you are scared; dare to feel it all. Accept that it isn't always possible to handle life well; to prevent the "f" moments. See you and change what needs to be through the transference of pain and anger into the understanding of yourself; as well as others. Be loud, be amazed and be brave because you are the only one who can through you; as the heavell keeper of your life. I am me and you are you; and we have never ever been all or nothing. Find what you love; in you. Here's to the hope that we won't continue to feed the hell; one weed and one flower at a time.
To Ashlee as well as Ryan's squad: You see through Ryan and he continues to see through you. Thank you for representing Heavell in the NAMI Mental Health walk in New Orleans. See you soon.
What does being all right mean to you? What do you feel in your heart when you say that you are? Is it the green truth or the real truth for you? For me it means that I am able to handle more and more moments without feeling as if I cannot breathe; it doesn't mean that I don't still feel the hell. Can you understand that? Despite what has been in the yesterdays and the part of me that is still there, the todays and the tomorrows continue to come and go; as life persists all around me. When I am able to, I am using the other parts of myself to lift up the one that feels so broken. It certainly doesn't work every time but when it does, I am in the moments that I need to be; stepping forward rather than walking in circles. Some of those times involve the others in my life and it is essential that I be able to be present for them; as well as myself. All of this is living a life that is so very heavell; having and holding heaven and or hell in any given moment every single day. It's learning to be all right even when not all of the parts or moments or BLAHS are all right. I am me and as such I am more than just the mother of a dream who won against addiction but ultimately lost his life due to the destruction to his body. You are you and as such you are the perfect person to love, hate, lift up, change or accept every part of you. Be amazed and be loud about the all of you. Here's to the hope that you will take what has been on the inside and the outside of you and be all right; whether an addict or not.
If I were you, what would I see when I look in the mirror? If I were you, what would I feel in my heart? The things that we perceive of ourselves have often been influenced by what others have decided; as if we are each all or nothing. It is impossible, though, to know everything about someone just as it is difficult for each of us to treat the heaven and the hell within us equally. It is very challenging to find the understanding that is needed for others when we struggle to find it within ourselves. Imagine if you will, that you see me when I am having a bad moment; fear and hurt are often expressed through anger. It's never easy to say "I'm scared" so we will convey that feeling in detrimental ways; for ourselves and for others. If you are unaware that my son died tragically, what would you describe me as being; based on those moments that you saw? What do others define you as being; based on what they have seen or have been told? We use our words to state what others and ourselves are but it is rarely, if ever, the real truth. The strongest part may be what we feel and what others see but there has always been so much more to us; unless of course we don't treat it all equally. I am me and while I have done a lot of things right in this life, I have also had way too many "f" moments and "I am scared" ones; having to learn to do this better every time I can. If your scared just say you are because we all are at some point. Feeling that way is not a weakness but rather an expression on the outside of the mess on the inside; that is in need of being dealt with. A part can never equal a whole no matter what is seen or felt. If we focus on only a part as being the problem and or the solution, then we are continuing the cycle that helped to create the fall to begin with; there's one of those "f" moments. On the days or moments that I am not doing this well, I need the other parts of me to lift me up or to stand over the one that is fallen. You will never know that about me or yourself if we only believe in illusions of perfection or the green truth that a part equals a whole. Got heavell? Here's to the understanding that you have always been so much more; find what you love and what needs to change. Please hold on because another moment is coming and this time you can be all right; unless of course you continue to feed the hell one part at a time.
This heavell life will always present the opportunity to meet yourself as well as others; to learn, to change, to be amazed, to listen and to be heard. I had the opportunity to speak with Jimmy from Tucson Turf Elite Football powered by Life Athletix, Inc. They have co-ed flag football teams and are a non-profit, youth sports organization. What struck me as being amazing about this group is that they win because their kids focus on being a team and communicating as one as well; in life and on the field. They are a whole that is made up of parts; from the volunteers to those who donate to the kids who play. We can learn from them by conveying and functioning as a team on the inside of ourselves while sharing that to the outside; especially in those moments that are hell. Thank you tucsonturfelite.org and Jimmy for your time; and for leading others to be more than just a part.
Life has a no return policy because with each passing moment, we are adding more and more to our parts; preventing our return to who we were in the moments before. Life has gone on since Ryan died but that part of me remains in the yesterdays; laying down from the trauma. I am learning to be all right in the other parts of myself; while not being all right in that one. I am still working to figure out who I will be; because I have to go forward. Ryan had also struggled to see who he was going to be in the tomorrows; after having been defined by his drug use for so long. He had to learn to allow himself to be and feel so much more than just that. For me, everything can appear to be all right in one moment and then completely change in the next; often without warning. Memories appear out of nowhere or are triggered by a thought. a sound, a smell or from something that is seen or felt. They bring my little boxes of feelings, that are hidden in the shadows, to life again. They are bittersweet as they bring the hell but also carry the heaven. All of it makes understanding me, for myself as well as for others, challenging. Ryan would know what I am feeling through all of the losses he had been through; but I can't talk to him about it. Do those kind of things happen for you; whether an addict or not? Even if our pain, parts, lives or BLAHS are different, can you understand me? Do you feel the same? Here's to having it all in a life that is so very heavell. It's all right, you can stay in this place for a moment but just because you are doesn't mean you should forget that your sometime warrior is waiting for you. As you are, you are the only one who has the key; as the heavell keeper of your part on the whole. Please hold on because it's just a matter of time; and the next moment will be here soon.
In the words of songwriter and artist Tyler Jenkins (formerly of Brokenhourglass):
What are the repercussions Getting lost in these discussions Who I am and who I wanna be For me that is a touchy subject One day I'm feelin happy And the next I'm feelin sad All this built up in depression Slowly transitions to aggression I can tell that everyone thinks That I should be on some type of medicine The guardian angel that's behind me Is it heaven sent? Or is this better then I'll ever get?
The words that we use hold the definitions of our feelings and beliefs; despite what the dictionary says the words mean or what others may feel about them. They are a view into the things that are on the inside of us; made up of what has been, seen, felt and especially the BLAH. Our emotional definitions can change, evolve or stay the same as we add moments to our parts. About ten years ago, I sat at the funeral of Ryan's girlfriend; a beautiful rose lost from the world of dreams. Yesterday I spoke with her father for the first time in years; I wanted to let him know that Ryan had died at the end of May. He said "We belong to a group that no one ever wants to be a part of." The real truth is that living through something changes our consciousness of the words; giving them a life of their own. I had no idea what it felt like to lose a child, despite being able to perceive of what it probably entailed, until that BLAH occurred in my life. Even the powerful fear that I had felt over the years during Ryan's substance abuse did not prepare me for the emotions I feel today. What is in the words that you say to yourself; as well as to others? What feelings have you chained to their meaning; especially the BLAH? Can you accept that they express the all that has been for you; and others may not see nor feel the same way? Yesterday was what it was. Today is what it is. Tomorrow, however, holds the hope that will lead to finding the beauty in hell. Can you even imagine that or are you scared? It's all right, just take the hand of courage as well as that of fear and breathe in brave. We really are alike when in unfamiliar and uncomfortable places so here's to you just being you; and I will just be me. After all, the art of living in addiction isn't just about the part that has been defining you; but rather what you do with the all of you. Love, Heaven, Hell and your Sometime Warrior.
Thank you to Tyler at @iamtylerjenkins for once again bringing another perspective through your words.
One of the most challenging parts of addiction is in remembering who you are as a circle of heavell instead of just being that perfect person to be and to bring hell; for yourself as well as others. What words do you feel best describe you today? What about in the yesterdays? Do they contain the heaven as well as the hell of you? The moments, the traumas and even the BLAH are a part of what makes each of us who we are; the only ones. They bring the lessons that we can learn from in order to be lifted up; rather than to be destroyed by the "f" moments that can be found within all of us. What has been done cannot be undone but we can understand those things as being a part of our creation; after all sometime warriors and superpowers have never been needed in heaven. I am me and you are you while each of us is doing and not doing what we should or shouldn't in any given moment; as circles of heavell. You may feel justified in seeing and feeling your hell but remember you have always been so much more than that; it’s alright that you have forgotten who you are. Can you accept and love yourself as a perfectly, irritatingly, messy person; even though that has never ever been an easy thing to do? Please hold on as you take this one moment, part, breath, step and fall at a time; whether an addict or not. Here's to the yesterdays, to today and to the tomorrows that bring all of you; and nothing less.
During Ryan's substance abuse, over the course of many years, he often had excuses for his behaviors; feeling justified in what he did because of the all that had been in his life. As his sobriety grew through walking in circles, steps and falls, his attempts to deflect his responsibility for his part transformed into an understanding of the hell that he had brought. The green truth is that each of us has our reasons for the anything and the everything that has been said or done or not. The real truth, though, is that those explanations hold the understanding of the how, the why and the what that came to be on the inside of each of us. They are the perspectives that can be seen from our position; sharing them through behaviors and words. Ryan would often tell me "You know mom, I never meant to do those things." He had been a completely different person while using substances; just as I was in my attempts to stop it. He was in part an addict, at times the loudest voice within him, but he was also so much more than that; just like you. I am me and you are you and Ryan was who he was unless words, behaviors and substances are used to keep us chained in hell; through ourselves and or others. Sometime warriors who have superpowers that also fall down can only be found in a place that challenges all of us to do this better; on the inside as well as the outside. Beauty lives and breathes no matter where we are but seeing it requires being the perfect person to love, hate, accept or change every part; but never to deny any of them. Here's to the all of you and nothing less as the heavell keeper of your life; to have and to hold whether you want it or not.
It has been almost 4 months since Ryan died. I never know when or how or what will trigger me; appearing out of no where at times. No one, even if someone else has been here, can do this for me; just like you. The challenge for me is to find the understanding, the beauty, that is hidden in the shadows in this place; just like you. I will step and fall while walking in circles on this trail in hell; just like you. I am scared as well as brave; just like you. I will bring the all of me and nothing less; just like you. So what? You shouldn't be here nor should I but then life has always been so very heavell; just like us.
We often define ourselves and or others as only being a part; or some parts. When we or others remind us of those things in ways that destroy us, rather than lifts us up to do this better, they then can become all that we see; and feel. The real truth is that the hell in and around our lives is a part of the cause of angels falling; whether an addict or not. How we cope with the all that has been in the yesterdays, or even today, holds what may be or will continue to be in the tomorrows; often ensuring that we will walk in circles. It is simple enough to know how others affect us but the challenge is to find the understanding of what is being expressed through the words and the behaviors of someone else. Words, as well as the personal emotional definitions tied to them, are the most powerful weapons that each of us has; able to do damage on the inside as well as the outside of us. What moment or part or behavior are you defined as being; by you and or others? Are you so very heavell or are you merely just what is easily seen? I am me but you will never know that if you choose to only conclude what you want to view or to deal with. You are you and I believe in your hell; while also knowing that heaven lives and breathes there too. Lend me your feelings and I will lend you mine so that we may both recognize more than just what we see and believe; from our positions on the circle of heavell. After all, we are the perfect people to be sometime warriors and to also have "f" moments while feeling brave and scared with every step and or fall.
This past weekend I was down an aisle in a store when I overheard a conversation between a mother and her young son; a couple of siblings stood nearby. That son had asked his mother if he could have a toy. I listened as she told him that he could not have anything because "he was bad"; while encouraging the other two children to pick out toys. One of them, the youngest in the group, tried to speak to his brother about the toy choice he had made. As that "bad" son sat on the floor quietly ignoring his sibling, his mother then began to berate him for not acknowledging his younger brother. Her words contained the power that, no matter what he did, he was only hell; as well as not entitled to any of his own feelings. The emotions on his face spoke volumes; despite never saying a word. The oldest sibling of the group apparently had been watching me as I moved back and forth trying to find what I needed; and said something to her mother about me. When I finally found what I was looking for, I walked to the front to check out. This is a store I happen to frequent so the cashier and I were having a conversation on the behaviors of others; one he just happened to initiate with me. As I relayed my opinion that words are the most powerful weapons that we have, I turned to see that mother standing near me; listening to our exchange. Have you ever been told that you are "bad"? Or perhaps have used that word? How did it feel in your heart; whether said or heard? What does it mean to you? I am me and you are you and that boy is who he is unless words are used to define who we are; in detrimental ways on the inside as well as the outside. In a moment, I saw the all and the nothing, the fracturing, in the face of that child; one whose tomorrow may include a fall in order to run from the pain that was created in the yesterdays. Words have the ability to create the victims that can and do grow up to be the monsters in the tomorrows; whether an addict or not.
One of things that Ryan had been working on, right prior to his death, had been why people or things are either all or nothing; especially as decided by others. He had certainly been treated that way by several people; even by some of the people in his personal life. Ironically those people wanted him to stop being an addict and yet they would never allow him to be anything other than that; the all and the nothing. What is in the words that you say to yourself; as well as to others? There are many ways to get to the place that we need to be but none of them involve feeding the hell. Pick your own weeds and smell your own flowers so that hope will continue to be a part of a better tomorrow; because every dream matters whether here or not.
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