Lean With It #164

There is a distinct contrast between listening and actually hearing even though those words are used to define each other. When we take in what someone has to say, we are receiving what words mean and how those terms feel on the inside for that individual. What we actually hear though is what we feel and know about those words which is most often not what is being said by the other person. When a phrase holds a different truth for us, we can then devalue the opposing person's experience or attempt to control how that individual carries it in the place that needs him or her most. What's not there however is the understanding that words are merely words until our individual experiences are chained to them and thus give them the strength to lift up or to destroy. The term grief, for instance, is one that we associate most often with the loss of another person or perhaps even a pet. My limited view of that word took on a new meaning for me with Ryan's death but I have also realized that both of us had been suffering that feeling well into the yesterdays long before he left this world. The fact and the opinion is that over the years of his addiction, but especially during times of sobriety, he carried the weight of the world in the grief that he had breathed into his heart. I was not able to understand what he had chained there nor it's effects on him since that particular word meant something else for me. In other words, my restricted perception influenced my ability to hear his expressions and the importance of his definitions of them. No matter what term we are talking about, the most powerful we will ever be is in what we say to ourselves so actually hearing what's there is a part of understanding and the ability to change what has been. Grief is not an expression that is synonymous with addiction or even thought of as being a part of it and yet it is a word that describes the pain that can be found in addicts or anyone for that matter. In a different truth it's not just about the death of someone but rather the loss of life in a variety of ways. Are there moments for you that actually have contained grief? This is you and this is me and we are both grieving for what has occurred and what has been lost but especially for the pain. We are just alike and yet different depending on the details of our stories. Small things, such as a single word, can connect us or separate us but if we lean with it, while being together and not together, we are powerful enough to raise a little hell. After all, if we lean with it we are not just listening to words but we are actually hearing how they feel in the heart of each beholder. Say what needs to be said regardless of what any of it means to others because it is the most important thing you need in order to show up for you. Oh hell, you might as well go this way because that way has kept you walking in circles as well as lost. I am going to lean with my grief but it's what I do with the knowledge of me on the inside that determines what kind of day it's going to be. The hope is that you will also lean with yours while breathing in that you are and have always been so much more in a life that is so very heavell.

We have included a brief video, about 7 seconds, made by Ryan a few months before he died. He loved it when it snowed and he also enjoyed taking anything and everything and turning it into a laugh until your stomach hurts moment. Lean with it and rock with it because hiding, denying or burying it, especially through the use of substances, will not make it go away. What has been will always be wherever you are but what was hell yesterday can be transformed into the superpowers of today. Just ask your sometime warrior why he or she carries weeds and tissues while walking on flowers. Be loud, be kind but most of all hear the grief that has been keeping you in this place for far too long. Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell.

Quite A Bit Of Room #163

There is always a particular moment, one that holds an intense dismay, in which we become aware that substance abuse has become powerful in our lives. Whether an addict or not, do you remember when and how that knowledge occurred for you? If you could choose just one word to describe how that time felt, what expression would you say best describes your sentiment? Both Ryan and I viewed the expression fear as the single most accurate description of our individual perceptions of addiction. That specific term placed us in the same group even though what each of us had chained to it was in direct conflict with what the other was keeping there. Ryan's fear had been related to his need of a substance, an in-animate object, and mine of course was my desire for my son to be all right. That just alike designation contained different truths but also held the possibility of understanding each other because being scared is not defined by one person, place or thing. However it has never ever been an easy or simple thing to see especially when comparing an individual to a thing, such as a substance, and its part in the falling of that person. The small things that can be found in the details carry a lot more strength in their ability to help expand our view and thus facilitate change. Ryan's perception was focused upon what he saw and felt which made it impossible for him to value anything other than those tricky drugs while our attention was on devaluing something he believed he needed and held a different view of. How difficult is it then to convince someone that a behavior, choice or BLAH is not in their best interest when they are in fact and opinion, on his or her inside, getting some sort of relief from that very thing? If our words hold our experiences and are defined by us as individuals, then the strongest we will ever be is found within those terms as the beholders of them; whether we are lifting up or destroying ourselves. After all, there is quite a bit of room for us to strive, struggle, be be-loved and stay in places for far too long in a so very heavell life. What's not there though is the view that others will do as we say when the details behind our designations are different even if they seem similar or appear to be familiar. This is you and this is me, whether an addict or not. That nothing that has appeared to come from nowhere has always been something in the place that needs you most. At first glance whatever is there might seem like a weakness but the real truth is that it has always been, for your matter of time, leading to a step. What then is in your words that you say to yourself for that knowledge is a superpower to raise a little hell for you? Be loud but also be kind to the perfect person who is finding the way along his or her trail because while there may seem to be quite a bit of room there, there's really only enough for that individual and a sometime warrior to go through. In other words, the fear and courage that he or she feels has been designated as the places to fall, walk in circles, step and to find the beauty of messes as only that person can. Have the best day possible in your kind of life by walking on your flowers while carrying your weeds.