It is easy enough to think that someone should not behave in a certain manner, such as using substances or being angry, but it has never been that simple to understand why an individual is or has been doing so. After all, no matter what we desire we can’t just stop being who we are, that repeating of cycles and behaviors, merely because others or even ourselves think we should be doing this differently. So what does that mean? There is a parting of our thoughts and our feelings on the inside that makes initiating and holding onto change difficult which can result in falls and the continuation of the feeding of the hell even when we don’t want it or hate it. We have the ability to understand what is needed in order to begin something new but what we believe, in the place that needs us most, has a way of telling us that we are impossible. That particular part carries the weight of the world and has the loudest voice that can show up in the moments that are all right or even in the tomorrows. Let’s take the term anger and what it really is a statement of. When I expressed that emotion in the yesterdays, I thought it was because l was justified in my reactions to the behaviors of others. In other words, I was thinking about what was occurring on the outside of me rather than recognizing what I was feeling on the inside where I actually had the power to lean in to hear me. Ryan’s death, for instance, fed several long months of anger that felt so justified in my heart and because of that I moved my thoughts to agree with that feeling and yet it was really grief that was breathing within me. That anger was a form of protection during that vulnerable and painful time that was not unlike how I felt when I first discovered Ryan was using substances. Even today there are still moments when anger rises in me but I am aware that it means there is something on the inside that needs my attention. Are you aware that you can react with anger today for something that occurred long ago in the yesterdays? Or blame others for feeling that way even though you are actually mad at yourself? Or that you can feel overwhelmed and anxious in the quiet moments too? Or that grief, pain and fear are expressed in the incredibly loud voices of anger and substance use? Everything and anything that needs to be illuminated will find a way to do so most often in detrimental ways because we are taking it all with us wherever we go. Until we understand what we feel on the inside, it will continue to effect us as well as others for far longer than it should. So while words are what we think of and know, what each of us has chained to them is the view into our personal kind of life and what it will take to believe in being possible as individuals; different even when we appear to be similar. A parting of the mind and the heart, then, is necessary so that we may not only perceive of this so very heavell life but also feel it as only each of us can as essential parts on the circle of it. It’s good to be home because it’s the place where we can begin something new by focusing on what we are experiencing or have instead of the resulting behaviors or those of others. Oh hell give yourself a moment and a word for that matter so that you may find a different truth and understanding for what has made you feel weak on the inside. I am going to continue to wait right here while you get to know you and the small things such as the definition of beauty that can also always be found wherever you are.
Too often we underestimate the power of our words as well as their ability to imply things other than what we intend for them to do. Take, for instance, the two terms substance abuse versus substance misuse. Those expressions are actually used to define each other and yet one is communicated as the intentional use of substances, otherwise known as a “choice”, in a way that is unhealthy and or illegal while the other is expressed as using medication in a manner that it was not intended for, also known as a “choice” and unhealthy but not necessarily illegal. How do you feel, in the place that needs you most, about those particular words? What if you were to turn around to contemplate two other expressions known as mess and disorder and what they hold for you? Are you aware that those two terms are interchangeable with each other as well but more importantly that they can also be used to define the abuse and misuse of substances? What, then, do you think of and feel when comparing those two separate groups of expressions that define addiction? Which pair leaves you feeling impossible and which set holds the possibility of being all right even in the moments that are not all right? In other words, what terms have been used to help lift you up, to step, and which ones have been misused or abused encouraging the belief that you are defined only by your falls and “f” moments? Now turn around again to view the yesterdays where the misunderstanding of words has created chaos as well as pain even though that was not the intent. Moment by moment, word by word and feeling by feeling these are our individual stories that have occurred in similar and yet distinctly different ways. Those small, unseen things, like terms and the emotions that live in the shadows of them, have a way of effecting not only what choices we believe we have but also our ability to actually hold onto change. Having a sense of and believing in what words mean on the inside of ourselves can raise a little hell and turn it into a superpower rather than remaining as what continues to hurt. Imagine then, in a different truth, that what has felt like the weight of the world has always just been the moments before strength is found no matter how long it takes to get there. This is you and this is me and it is good to be home because we are taking it all with us so we might as well be who we are. Give me a moment because this is how my son’s fall, also known as his substance use, became a superpower for all us even though we were in that hell for far too long and it hurt way more than we ever thought possible. After all, the art of living in heaven and hell is in knowing that the heaven moments are the ones that allow us to breathe in brave before the falls into hell where we discover all that we are and all that needs to be transformed for the better including our word choices. Oh hell, give yourself a moment because if this were easy, everyone would make the “simple choice” to change but in a different truth what can be found behind any option complicates seeing and feeling beyond what is just in front of us; whether we are an addict or not. Be kind as you learn the truth of yourself and as you share what needs to be said for what is in your words tells the story of a sometime warrior who is courageous and yet scared that falls and rises but is always the definition of beauty. There is a reason why we have a lot of tissues. It’s so we can cry here while holding our weeds or laugh until our stomachs hurt while walking on our flowers. Whatever you do though, it’s what you lean in to hear that determines what kind of day it’s going to be so choose the words that help you feel possible even in the chaos of a so very heavell life.
We will not be sharing a blog next week on Thursday, February 25th. We will however be sharing our new page “Beautiful Things” for those who have left this world as a result of substance use or the lasting effects of it, mental health issues and death by suicide as there’s a love that will continue on because of and for them. We already have a couple of submissions to give you an idea on how to share the person that you want remembered; a friend, a classmate, a neighbor, a family member, a loved one, a child of another or even a stranger. You may include a photo if you have one, his or her name in full or part or just a nick name/term of endearment and or approximately three sentences that tells the world something that matters about that person even if it’s just simply that he or she loved ketchup on everything. All submissions are subject to approval by the Admins of Heavell. We will also be sharing some words about Ashlee, Ryan’s oldest sister, as a daughter and sister of addicts who is a sometime warrior working to change how those with substance use and mental health issues perceive of themselves. Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell.
A special thanks to Taylor for helping to expand our perception of the terms use, abuse and misuse as well as how, in a different truth about those expressions, we feed the hell when we “choose to use” certain words even when our intent has not been to do so.
As we are presented with choices in our lives, it is simple enough to believe that where each of us decides to step will be or should be in the direction that is in our best interest. What’s not there, though, is the view that one can be decisive and still choose a trail or an “f” moment that is not advantageous. We often associate being determined with courage, confidence and the fabulous moments but in a different truth we can also be unwavering through our repeating of cycles, the avoidance of or only breathing in pain as well as being in an altered state as a result of substance abuse. Choices, then, are made based upon the value and the power of what has come together on the inside where it can’t be easily seen nor understood. What we continue to view in that place will effect us for far too long even when we don’t want it to or hate that it does. After all, the more that we walk in circles, adding moments on top of moments, the less we know and believe in the possibilities of ourselves. That, of course, would appear to be yet another choice but silencing the loudness of what will always find a way to be illuminated is as complicated as what we feel as individuals. In other words, those things on the inside, even the small ones, are what we are going through with so we might as well be who we are while also finding a different truth for what hurts and is not in our best interest. Each day every one of us has the choice to wish for change or to guilt ourselves and others to be different or to deny and hide whatever we don’t want to deal with. However, the best day and option isn’t when we do those things but when we look for the view beyond what is easily seen in order to help lift up what has or who has fallen. Do you know if you are facilitating holding on with your words or are you unaware that you are actually feeding the hell? So let’s start by perceiving that in order to change anything for the better, including how choices are made, we have to get comfortable with what is uncomfortable while not breathing it in. We cannot desire to only be courageous when fear walks hand in hand with it. We also cannot wish for only happiness just because pain and tears feel like a failure to be perfect or hope to be the beauty that others see when we are the beholder of what defines it for ourselves. This is life and it doesn’t always turn out as we believe it should but then no one ever aspires to be in pain, to repeat cycles or to be an addict even though those are all just the moments before we turn around to see that what appears to be weakness is really the beginning of strength. You can cry here from what hurts and what makes you laugh until your stomach hurts but what you can’t do is control or change any of it without understanding what is living on the inside of you and that it is all right to feel as you do. Today is the kind of day where you can lean in to hear the truth of what the yesterdays have held so talk straight. Oh hell, maybe you are scared, I know I can be, but sometime warriors and possibilities are found in the moments that hurt not in what is easy. You can cry here, for whatever reason, as you go word by word and feeling by feeling as you step and fall along your so very heavell life. I am going to wait right here just in case you need some tissues or I do unless of course tomorrow feels like a better option for you but either way there is a love that will continue on in the perfect person to go through; also known as you. Have the best day possible for you. Love always, Heavell
Heavell is honored to include another perspective, with today’s blog, on how our feelings effect the choices that we believe we have and then step towards. Thank you Susan David, Ph.D. for sharing your TED Talk “The gift and power of emotional courage” with us. She is the Wall Street Journal best-selling author of “Emotional Agility” and a Co-founder, Institute of Coaching a McLean/Harvard Medical School Affiliate Psychologist, Harvard Medical School who is committed to getting emotional agility into the world.
https://embed.ted.com/talks/lang/en/susan_david_the_gift_and_power_of_emotional_courage
One of the most important and strongest terms that can be found in the words that we say is the expression “choice’. It is one that not only implies we always have options but also that we are either courageous or weak based upon the decisions that we make. It is a term that holds hope and truth while helping to encourage our accountability in everything that we do, say and feel but the appearance of it usually occurs only in the most obvious, messy moments and parts or for others rather than ourselves. At times that word is able to lift up but more often than not, in a different truth, it destroys through the implications of yet another “f” moment; and not a fabulous one at that. Each of us have, in any given moment, choices and yet we usually repeat what we know again and again whether we are the same or different, an addict or not. Why is that? In the shadows of the word “choice” are the unknown and unseen influences of coping, cycles, feelings, failings, strengths, weaknesses and of course mental health that can make options impossible despite any opinions and or facts for that matter. I, for instance, encountered many people who felt strongly that I should have turned away from Ryan when he became addict and by not doing so, I was weak. Their words and actions, however, were a reflection of what they were capable of or willing to do rather than the real truth of or for me. In other words, their option was not “the right choice” for me then nor would it be today. Within what I chose, though, were moments of missteps in which I did turn away for my matter of time or repeated cycles that I should not have as well as carrying lots of doubt and fear but with each fall that I took, I eventually got up and tried again. Those days seemed the same while also being different depending upon what I encountered on the inside, courage or fear, and the support or lack of from the outside: just like what addicts experience. What have you chained to the word “choice”? Do you feel it as a reflection of your possibilities or does it feed the hell that is already loud within you? How about when others say you should have “chosen another option”? Despite any similarities that Ryan and I had, our individual reactions to the opinions and facts that he should not have chosen to use substances were completely different. That repeated statement about “choice” was a continual reminder for him that he had failed but then those views seen from the outside of someone’s hell are always far easier than what can actually be found on the inside where it is very loud and painful. Let’s start here with that word “choice” and recognize that all along we have had the ability to decide to stop repeating a cycle in which an expression has always held the different truth of enabling, also known as facilitating or feeding, the hell despite anyone’s intentions otherwise. What is in the words that you say? Do those particulars help you to lean in to hear others? Do you know if you are actually facilitating someone to have the best day possible, to hold on, or another fall through them? What do you need from yourself as well as others to have the best day possible for you? Are you saying it so it can be heard? A “choice” is never simple nor easy but rather a complicated place to be because of those cycles, coping skills, fear, the disease of addiction, mental health problems, messes, traumas or just the plain old BLAH for every single one of us. This is me and today I feel strong but in just a moment I could lose my way when that all that has been gets loud because sometimes the best choice, for me, is to lean in to the pain even when others do not agree with that option. Ryan was like this as well when he was an addict, before he ever became one and when he was sober. How about you, is this you as well? Well we might as well be who we are because the best day possible is the kind of day where we choose to be ourselves; otherwise known as perfectly, irritatingly, messy people who are together and not together. After all in a life that is so very heavell, we have the option to raise a little hell by not agreeing with the “choices” of others but by understanding how they came to be through small things and the weight of the world. Have the best day possible for you while you get comfortable with what you are carrying because it’s those things that can become a superpower if you view a fall as the moment before a step regardless of the time it takes. Be kind, be loud and always remember there is a love that will continue on even when we are in hell. Love Always, Heavell.
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