It is simple enough to treasure the moments where we can laugh because we or they can be just that fabulous but it has never ever been easy to value the moments that hold our pain even though both are the how we live and the what that makes us who we are as individuals. In fact and opinion, our appreciation of the moments that feel good is so great that it encourages us to do things so that we appear to be all right even when we are not. Or perhaps it’s the fear as well as the real truth of being judged by others that has us hiding and denying anything that could possibly be seen as weakness especially when the expectation is for us to be acceptable. However by stepping in that direction, we lose ourselves in ways that trouble our hearts far more than any of the “f” moments and falls that we will always carry with us. How much more traumatic is it then to not only feel our pain that lives on the inside but to also be in the position of having to deny it’s existence? In other words, our weight of the world is a far more complicated place that can’t just be “gotten over” because, after all, it has a way of showing up when we least expect it or want it. Last week I spent some time with a young man who has a smile that is as bright as a star on a dark night and a laugh that is so infectious that you can’t help but giggle right along with him. He will tell you that he is all right in this so very heavell life but if you lean in to hear and view beyond what is just in front, you can catch a glimpse of his pain when it illuminates in his eyes even as he laughs so hard that his stomach hurts. He is an addict in denial of his coping through substance use as well as standing guard in front of the door that hides his mess. He and I are distinctly different and yet we also share some similarities in what we allow others to see about ourselves and our grief; that view of our green truth on the outside versus the real truth that lives within. What about his story, if anything, feels familiar, comfortable or even uncomfortable for you? Are you able to talk straight to not only yourself but to others as well? You know, it doesn’t have to be perfect but it does have to be the all of you because a whole needs all of it’s parts to make a series of movements towards change even if that motion includes falling and being scared. There is laughter that comes from the moments that we love and then there is laughter that hides what hurts and both can hold tears that need tissues. There is anger that suggests it’s strength and then there is fear that implies the absence of courage and yet anger can also be weakness while fear is able to be the step before strength is found. There is grief that comes from loss and then there is grief from “f” moments and traumas that also contain losing because grief is about all sorts of things and not just people. There is beauty that is easy to see and agree upon and then there is beauty that can only be defined by each individual and can’t be seen by everyone. This is you and this is me whether an addict or not. In every moment, feeling, word or just about anything that you can think of there is a different truth that can be found to help you to understand, also known as to appreciate, the person that you are going through with especially when being kind to yourself is so hard to do. Those tough lessons have never been meant to destroy you or to be repeated nor are they an indication that you are weak and impossible even if the appearance of the fact and the opinion feels just like that. It’s good to be home in the place that needs you most because it’s not the absence of messes or the impression of not having any that makes you all right but rather it’s the believing in and using your whole story that does. Have the best day possible for you because for me it’s the kind of day where I am going to need a lot of tissues as I continue to learn that my weeds are just as valuable as my flowers even though I also prefer the moments that are just so fabulous that I can laugh until my stomach hurts. Love Always, Heavell
There will always be feelings or people or even things that have the ability to disrupt or restrict our steps as we take our matter of time on our trails. When that happens it is simple enough for us to move right back into a behavior that we had hoped was left as a part of the yesterdays even though we all know that change that stays has never ever been an easy action to hold on to. When that adversity occurs, our courage that has helped us to believe that we are all right will disappear into the shadows leaving us to fear that we will never find it again or perhaps it’s that we doubt that we ever had it to begin with. Even the others in our lives can be filled with trepidation as the emergence of what has already been creates the uncertainty that any forward motion was in opinion, or maybe even in fact, not the real truth because fear and pain has a way of making it feel just like that. It is also so much easier for us to be aware of what has not been acceptable or at least has the appearance of being so than it is to reflect on every single all right moment that is a part of us as well. Have you ever noticed how the voice of one messy moment or part can control and even silence all the other things that are meant to help us breathe? It’s at those significant times of believing in being impossible, not the actual moments that we regress, that we lose ourselves. It is also the time when we feed the hell the most on the inside as well as around us. After all, we are usually so focused on the action of falling that we fail, another one of those dreaded “f” moments, to recognize that it is a response to what is already living in the place that needs us most. Word by word and moment by moment think about and then feel how you felt before you plummeted because it’s there that you can begin to get acquainted with yourself again. In other words, those falls reflect the collection of things within you that need for you to find understanding for them. Not to excuse what’s there but to recognize and illuminate how it has and will continue to effect you until you change the power of it. So let’s start with what you see in the mirror today. How does that image compare with what you saw in the yesterdays; even the one from long ago? What feels familiar; especially the things that are uncomfortable? Are there any differences now or is it really just more of the same? In that view of yours, though, be aware that there is a difference between what you believe has come together and not together for you and what you have accepted as you listened to the perspectives on the outside of yourself. It doesn’t have to be perfect but it does have to be you because you can’t change what isn’t yours to begin with and you can’t become the beauty found in someone else’s definition of it. Hello this is you and this is me. Sometimes we are worse but in other moments we are all right and occasionally we laugh until our stomachs hurt because we are just that fabulous. If you are going to do what I say then get ready for the fall because steps, also known as change and growth, are a series of movements that just happen to include tripping, going back, moving forward and walking in circles. No matter what has been in the yesterdays, today is the kind of day where you can cry here, be fearful as well as in pain, and then begin the movement of courage because sometimes the small things are the best place to just be who you are. Be loud and be kind while you have the best day possible for you since it doesn’t have to be perfect. Love Always, Heavell.
There is a difference between what we believe will make us happy and what we accept as the causes of our suffering and yet depending upon what’s there or the place that we are at on our trails, our opinions of each can be changed with just the occurrence of a moment or a step or even with the discovery of a different truth. After all, we can fall in love without really perceiving of the all of someone and assume things about people we don’t really know even though the fact is love is always easy when adversity is not involved and we hate when we are judged and not heard as well. We can also fall for things that are on the outside of ourselves, such as someone else’s thought of what beauty is or what the value of our own pain is, despite that being in direct conflict with what we feel and hold on the inside of ourselves. We can even have all the items that we think will make us happy, the appearance of having it all, and still find that we are unable to cope through the conflicts while we can be a mess as well as a sometime warrior but only be seen for our chaos. Or we can feel fear and be in pain and express it in it’s loudest voice known as anger, or even through substance use, but be thought of as being unacceptable, fallen, even when others respond in a similar way but say their behavior is justified and acceptable. Why is that? There is a difference between what we actually feel and think as well as what others have come to believe and accept because no two people have experienced this kind of life or recognized a view in an exact duplicate manner despite any similarities that we may have. The heart may hold the pain that we do not want to acknowledge but it is actually the place that can help us the most because no matter what words we say to ourselves, or others do, we can’t talk our hearts out of feeling what’s living there; especially those blahs that are from long ago in the yesterdays. This starts with our collection of things that only we hold that can show up to create chaos when we least expect them to and when we seem to be all right because love, even for ourselves, is never ever easy nor without conflict. Those particular objects and parts are what we are going through with so we might as well just be who we are. Hello, it’s good to be home in the place that needs us most if we want to find understanding for what hurts and then change it into superpowers; also known as using what has seemed to be weaknesses and impossibilities to discover what has always been meant to become strengths and possibilities. In other words you can’t change your weeds, those dreaded “f” moments, into fabulous flowers but you can carry them not as the definer of you but as the parts that are helping you to get to know you. So what is in the words that you say? Are you giving yourself a moment to lean in to hear if they are expressing what you really feel? What will you do now with the knowledge of what you have believed and accepted? Can you turn around and find a different truth to help you? Or are you going to continue to feed the hell by falling for the views that live outside of you? I am going to wait right here because there is a difference between us and what works for me is not necessarily what is in your best interest but together and not together we can change what needs to be. Oh hell, if you need help then ask for it because that is a strength but remember you are going through with the all of you not what others are working with no matter what you or they wish for. Be kind because, in just a moment, we can all plummet when carrying the weight of the world or through our words or for a love that is easy until it’s not. Grab some tissues and hold on because it just might be a beautiful day where you can cry here and laugh until your stomach hurts or just be. Whatever you choose to do, have the best day possible in your so very heavell life. Love Always, Heavell
On our journey we each have a collection of things that fall into place depending upon what we think they hold. To make sense of what’s there, we assess a value for each possession through what is familiar and comfortable in our individual perceptions. Where those things go and the momentum that sends them there depends upon what we believe about ourselves and the power of those items. If we are of the opinion that the strongest or the weakest that we are is defined only by the “f” moments that are not the good ones, then those objects will descend like the weight of the world within us. Once in their particular part, their loud voices will show up when we least expect even when we feel as if we are all right or have been saying the right things; also known as those positive thoughts. But as with all moments, feelings, perceptions and terms, there is always a different truth that can be found than what has been our cycle of experiencing them. Take the wording “fall into place” and think about what it means to you. That phrase is used in reference to the things that we acquire or that fit together as well as an item or a person that goes down but what does it mean when it is used in an idiom such as “to fall in love”? Is it really possible for us to descend into love in the uplifting manner that we have come to believe that collection of words expresses? Or what about the fact and the opinion that like things, such as feelings, fall into place as well even though we often don’t realize the all that is actually living there and how it effects us? Or what if our fear is expressed through it’s loud voice known as anger and we plummet in the words that we say to ourselves and or others? Is tumbling and descending, then, only ideal when it involves what we believe to be acceptable such as an expression of love or our pain or as a response to someone else’s actions? In other words as long as it feels good or has a justification for it, we do believe that it is all right to fall in so much as whatever that holds fits within our perception; regardless of how others feel about it. This is me and I am an “f” moment maker that, in part, has been painful for myself and others through the words that I have said as well as my actions. What has been done by me in the yesterdays cannot be undone no matter what I hope for, just like you, but today is the kind of day where we can be fearful and courageous at the same time while also finding a different truth for our collection of things. After all, we do fall into place especially when that location is hell because understanding, change and sometime warriors have never ever been needed in the parts that are easy or we fall in love with. Oh hell, just give yourself a moment or two to cry and then laugh about a collection of things that you have believed define you as being weak when they have always been the beginning of your strength. Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell.
The things that have already been done in the yesterdays cannot be undone but the power that they continue to hold in our kind of life can be changed. By turning around, we can view those moments, words and behaviors and then find the what and the how we can do them differently today. In those first few years of Ryan’s drug use, I was filled with an incredible amount of fear that I expressed most often through anger along with a lot of tears. It was a scary place that I had absolutely no idea how to be in and no matter what anyone else said I should do, my coping was an expression of that fear and my own pattern of behavior in reaction to it. In any heightened situation it is impossible to de-escalate a state of being on the inside of ourselves or with others while also experiencing overwhelming feelings and then managing them in manner that is not in the best interest of ourselves or anyone else for that matter even when it feels so justified to do so. I spent a lot of time, far more than I ever should have, walking in circles during those years. I even continued to fall in my words and actions well after I knew it was not helpful because sometimes it is difficult to be strong, to do this better, in every single moment and situation. In other words, whether you are an addict or not, some will and some won’t be a problem but we still have to hold on and get through them; raising a little hell by trying again and again each time we fall. I have a lot of regret from that period and while it was filled with pain, it also taught me more about myself and others than I ever thought possible. That view in the mirror, also known as the inside, was far more difficult to acknowledge and to say hello to than what had been holding my view on the outside of me. That is just a part of the hell and then the heaven of that period that is still with me today because wherever I go it will always be with me as well. It’s not there to destroy me but rather to remind me to keep working to do this better even when I have “f” moments in the tomorrows and not the fabulous ones that I would prefer. As Ryan would say “Be grateful for the lessons mom, especially the tough ones, because it’s where you get to discover how beautiful you really are and can be” Ryan had regret as well for his drug use, what occurred because of it and the time he spent in that place but most of all he discovered that what had felt so impossible really was just waiting for him use who he was to change the power of it. Hello this is you and this is me and we are perfectly, irritatingly, messy people who fall down while also being the beholders of our own beauty in this so very heavell life. What’s not there though is our ability to step if we continue to feed the hell by believing that what has been done in part will always define us as a whole. Give yourself a moment. a word and a behavior and find a different truth for them. How and what would you do today in contrast to the yesterdays? After all, we might as well say hello to both our darkness and light as each serves a purpose in helping us to find our way unless of course we walk in circles by staying in one or the other for far longer than we should. Be kind to the person that you are going through all of this with and if you fall, say “I am sorry that you are here” and try again. Do the same for the others in your life because sometimes it’s not easy for any of us to be strong in every word, moment or behavior especially when we feel as if we are carrying the weight of the world.
Today we are sharing the music video titled “Letter To The Addicts (Adele-Hello RidgeMix), by the talented artist known as Ridge Long. Both addiction and pain as well as our reactions to them brings us together despite whatever can be found in our individual stories. Lean in to hear his words as he shares his view and what he has perceived of from his essential position. Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell. Thank you @ridgelong410 for sharing you and your music with us.
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