Greetings. Today, Heavell is sharing the words of Vicky DiNicola, a mother who lost her dream to an overdose in August of 2020. She is a sometime warrior in a variety of ways and a wonderful writer. Lean in as you read her words so that you may not only perceive of her but also find understanding for you. This is a journey that holds similarities for all of us but our details are what defines this in a personal and individual way just like it does for each addict. We each have to find what we can or cannot do while always expressing that answer with love on the inside as well as on the outside of ourselves. What do you believe is your thin gray line? How do you feel about that? Every dream matters whether here or not. Be kind and be loud as you have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell
Traditional addiction therapy and recovery experts have always coached the mothers, fathers, siblings, family members and friends of those struggling with addiction to steer away from offerings of food, housing and financial support for fear of “enabling” the addict. “Let them hit bottom” they say. “If you give them resources they’ll only use it for drugs and alcohol” they say. This was a common mantra in our family dealing with our adult son who was an heroin addict but also an insulin dependent diabetic with special medical, nutritional and behavioral health needs. It’s complex and it’s stressful to know which side of that thin gray line to stay on. Were we “enabling” or “supporting” him? We wanted to support his medical and nutritional needs without enabling his addiction. It was a constant battle for us.
To combat this “enabling vs. supporting” game, we conjured up lots of tricks. We would call in a pizza or food for pick up rather than send him cash. We would send him gift cards that could only be spent at the grocery store so that he couldn’t trade it on his last fatal dose of heroin, meth or other cocktails of life sucking drugs. On rare occasions we even made home cooked meals and delivered them to his latest crash pad, complete with clothing, blankets and hygiene supplies. Anything but give him cash. Of course we always gave him the option to come home and often times he did. He stayed for months at a time working on his recovery until eventually he decided to go out on his own again, despite all our concerns and objections. In the end we learned the only thing we were managing was our own fear. What we learned is that heroin addicts will say anything, even to their mothers that they love so much, in order to get their next fix. They will lie. They will manipulate. They will play on the emotions of those who love them the most. They will do this even when they hit their absolute bottom.
So looking back at that thin gray line, here is what I now believe. First, there is no play book that helps you to distinguish between the real needs of your loved one and their addiction. Assuming the first premise is true, then the only play is to sincerely, honestly and non-judgmentally connect with your loving addict. Keeping the lines of communication wide open and safe from harsh criticism and judgement is everything. As long as you have a safe communication channel you might be able to distinguish between the honest bodily needs and the addiction but be smart about the bull shit. Call them on that when you need to but draw them back quickly and with love. I’ll be honest, there were lots of times when it was just easier to send the cash rather than engage in deep conversations. There were even a few times during our 18 year journey when we just “busted his balls” for the poor choices he made. But in the end I believe that navigating through the frustration and irritation of your addict’s latest “failure” with calm, cool, nonjudgmental and even a loving attitude is everything.
I won’t promise you that this is a recipe for success. The last night that we spoke with our son Michael, we had a great talk and we made plans to see each other in the following days. Our conversation was filled with humor, love and understanding. It was also filled with some dialogue about personal accountability and a few words of guidance about his health. But in the end there was love. A few days later Michael caught a bad batch of heroin combined with fentanyl and accidentally overdosed. He died on August 28, 2020.
After years of rehab programs and family counseling with our son, my husband and I can honestly look in the mirror and say we did everything that we could to create a different outcome. In the end, it was Michael’s choice to continue his journey into self-destruction. But we can look back and say the last conversation we had with Michael was loving and positive. That’s all we can do. That’s perhaps all that Michael could do as well. In the end, positive and loving communication was everything. We don’t look back and feel we enabled our son. Instead, we supported him to the best of our ability. While at times that line between support and enablement was hazy and unclear, we were always conscious of that line and tried to honor the boundaries. It’s no easy path but we encourage others on this journey to look for their own guideposts and to define their own thin gray line.
Weeds are things, moments and feelings that can be found anywhere but more importantly is how they live and breathe on the inside of us where they are especially unwanted. They compete for our attention against our flowers and can trick us into believing that they are all that we are by using our grief as a reminder of what has been done, lost and a failure. They are so strong that even just one can find it’s way through a closed door into the light so that it’s voice may be heard in our thoughts and then expressed in our behaviors as well as the words that we say. When we least expect them, a moment can remind us of what lives there, sending us backwards and further encouraging us to believe that we are exactly what those weeds appear to say we are. What’s not there, though, is the understanding that they, those weeds, hold the hope that we will keep them close not as confirmation of being impossible but as a part of our turning ourselves into something else. After all, within them is the unseen and unthought of definition, a different truth, that we have always needed to lean in to hear instead of listening to the pain that so easily exists in our hearts and minds. In any kind of life, the “f” moments, meandering and the BLAH are a part of our finding our own way as the individual definers of terms such as beauty, breathing, messes, brave and being home. Wanting just flowers, then, may be what we think we should have but because this is life in a so very heavell way, the people, places, things and feelings that we experience will hold all that can be found within them and around them just as we do. In other words, in a distorted field of view, others may appear to only have flowers or happiness but conflict or hell from their moments is never really that far away particularly in that place that can’t be seen from the outside. It’s what we do with those weeds that determines what we believe about ourselves and then what we share to the outside. It also effects whether we are home within ourselves or looking for that feeling through people, places or things such as substances. This doesn’t have to be perfect but it does have to be the all of you because what has already been can’t be undone nor can you just get over what’s breathing there. This weekend is the two year mark of the beginning of Ryan’s fall into that three week battle for his life. I remember every moment, thought and feeling from that time as if it were yesterday. Chaos doesn’t always bring out the best in us and our fear of the uncertainty can pound so loudly in our hearts that just the act of breathing can be a challenge that lasts well into the tomorrows. Since his death, I have experienced a lot of feelings that have made me uncomfortable which really has been very much like how I felt over the years of his addiction despite the different details. Along the way of both, I have had moments of bravery, strength, weakness, fear, sometime warrior actions, the discovery of superpowers and a whole lot of meandering while also falling in my words and actions. I was also in the position of hating every weed that has been a part of this journey, there’s my angry voice of fear, making it hard to find understanding for Ryan’s words of “be grateful for the lessons mom especially the tough ones” that came towards the end of his life. The thought of “what if” he had figured that out sooner instead of hating his weeds has hurt a lot in my heart but thinking and feeling that won’t change what has already been. It doesn’t really matter that he was the addict and that I was the mother trying to help him save himself because all of it is intertwined in our feeding of the hell but it does matter that those weeds eventually helped us to transform ourselves, bringing us home, even though it was a painful way to go through. So how are you feeling about the “f” moments in your life especially those dreaded ones? Are you feeling safe with you or do you need more time to stop feeding the hell that lives there? This starts with you so open that door and get comfortable with those weeds because wherever you go, they will follow so you might as well be who you are and transform them into the definition of what’s possible. Be kind, be loud and grab some tissues for those tears that live deep within you from what makes you laugh until your stomach hurts and of course your pain. Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell
How we carry our weeds says more about the place that we are at on the inside than the actual number of “f” moments that have been a part of our kind of lives or even the flowers that have been gathered along the way as well. It has always been far easier for us to have a distorted belief of those items even though the fact is that all things are in the process of becoming something else. That matter of time and the effort that it takes for each to do so is often not what we hope for and because of that it effects our understanding and opinion that backwards and non-motion play a role in a series of movements towards transformation. So which part of a “fall” or “failed” moment is holding you back: it’s actual occurrence or how it now safely exists within you? Is it just one more thing that comfortably implies that you are impossible through your field of view? In other words, are you believing in it’s importance as a sign of your weakness so much so that it has become home for you? How difficult is it, then, to implement change when the place that needs you most has already decided that evolving is unobtainable because of what’s breathing there? Over those years of Ryan’s substance use there were so many times that I thought the words “I can’t do this” in my mind but more importantly was how strongly I felt them in my heart as an unrealized expression of my fear. Not knowing what to do or not being able to breathe and step when there is a mess is an appropriate response but that understanding does not quiet the loud voices of failure and impossible adding to what is already being dealt with. I know that in the yesterdays Ryan felt exactly as I did, together, even though we held different positions in his addiction, not together. After all, both confusion and doubt lead to our walking in circles for far longer than we should because of the uncertainty that can be found in this so very heavell life and ourselves. Even those who have felt strong and sure of themselves can find that when in chaos, the door to their strength is no longer open or useable and the unfamiliar and uncomfortable one of weakness is like a gaping hole in the place that needs them most. This has been me and this has also been Ryan which led to even more bewilderment and meandering as we wondered how we found ourselves in the hell of addiction and why we couldn’t get out of it with just our strength. The answer was hidden in our weeds rather than any flowers that we had but our distorted field of view made it appear to be otherwise. So how are you feeling? Are you safe with you or are the things that hurt home within you instead? Why is that? Whether you are faced with a choice, a chance or a crisis, going through requires the use of all of you but especially those weeds. In a different truth, but still a very real one, those things are a part of the series of movements before you gain a step towards understanding that your trail and beauty holds unexpected turns, falls, rises and a whole lot of meandering. That is an easy and simple statement for anyone to say about “this is life” but what’s not there are the details of how complicated, difficult and even painful it really can be to navigate it especially while also carrying the weight of the world. The value of that lives within the beholder of it all not as a fact or opinion found on the outside. Go farther on the inside of you because there is laughter there despite your field of view that only sees weakness and failure. You can either illuminate what needs to be yourself or it can throw light on you in ways that you never ever wished for because tricks are not just for substances but can also be found in the things that hurt as well as any distorted field of view. Have the best day possible for you as you open the door to remembering that being home or safe starts within you and what you define there. Oh hell just give yourself a moment to breathe because without the presence of weeds we, as well as all that makes us who we are as individuals, would become the real definition of impossible when our abilities to turn them into something else is no longer a possibility. In the field of view, that would appear to be a far bigger “f” moment than anything we already carry unless of course you are comfortable with believing that the objects in the mirror will continue to define who you are and not in a fabulous way. Love Always, Heavell.
The designation of terms is something that we all understand but what’s not there are the details that tell the truth about what each of us feels in relation to an expression so when we listen, rather than hear what is being said, it is our personal experience that dictates our reaction to what others are saying. That, unfortunately, often leads to misunderstandings that feed the very hell we hope to stop. Even when we have similar knowledge of a particular word, we can still respond in a completely different way as a reflection of our personal value of it. There are even times where we will make light of a situation or react strongly when understanding does not exist because of a limited view. Let’s start here with the word home and what it comfortably and uncomfortably holds for you as well as for me. That term is defined as the location that one grew up in or currently resides in and as the focusing in on a particular point. An address or a matter can hold a mess, indifference, love, well-being, fear, grief, pain, fabulousness and so much more depending upon what our individual experiences are with it. We recognize it most often as something that is on the outside of ourselves, a visible place to be, but within that definition is an unseen and unthought of location that we each hold in the place that needs us most; also known as our hearts. That particular site also carries a variety of feelings but it has always been so much simpler to view and describe it as a changeable destination than it has been to be aware of it’s existence within us and how what lives there matters more than the building we reside in. Ryan’s addiction brought the realization that each of us needed to come home within ourselves. We had to discover, through a series of movements, what we think and feel about our experiences that have occurred while together as well as not together. Since his death, the term home has evolved even more into the definition of a locality, on the inside as well as the outside, where I feel safe to just be whether I am all right or not. Because some will and some won’t, there have been expectations that I either keep my grief to myself or that I behave as I did prior to his death or at the very least give the appearance of being so. That familiar projection also happened during the years of Ryan’s substance use so I am aware of how it felt in the yesterdays, it’s part in my walking in circles and falling as well as it’s potential to effect me today. The real truth is that it is impossible to be all right in every moment and being safe or home means that I accept and love myself in all of the ways that I can be even when grief, fear and pain is illuminated in the very loud voice of anger or through my tears that show up when I least expect them. In other words, I will never again be who I was in the yesterdays so I might as well be who I am today because it’s where being possible is waiting for me. This is me but it is also you even when our details are different. After all, another moment has passed that has forever changed who we are, sometimes for the better and at other times for the worse, but always as a series of movements leading us towards understanding if we turn around to view and feel it. What about my story feels familiar for you? Do you understand how difficult it is to have a mess that others would prefer not to see and have the expectation of a closed door? Or is it you that has desired to not to have it follow you wherever you go? What, then, would you say is your word? Why is it that particular term? It is good to be home in the place that you should zero in on because it is the location that has developed from the details of your kind of life, it’s where you will always live regardless of your address and it’s what you are going through with no matter what you wish for. Give yourself a moment to recollect yourself and your collection of things then have the best day possible for you as you leave the door open to your home as you get comfortable with being safe even when that means the use of a lot of tissues, saying “I am sorry” and of course “oh hell those “f” moments” Love Always, Heavell
The way we use value to determine whether people, places, things, behaviors or even words are acceptable is often based from a limited view rather than our being aware of all the details, or even the lack there of, that are a part of something or someone. Demeanor, motion, outcomes and appearances can imply the presence of only forward steps or the opposite depending upon what we think we see and yet shifting, missteps, a missing course of action as well as dreaded falls can be found in some form in everything in a different truth. Let’s take the simple statement of “don’t do drugs” and it’s directness that holds the hope of stopping a very complicated and difficult issue before it can begin through the awareness of how substances can effect some individuals. That expression was uttered so many times in our home, on the inside, as my children were growing up and even as they went through their school drug prevention programs, on the outside. Personally I do not know any parents, including those whose child is a substance user, who did not have the same expectations as me that the words “don’t do drugs” would result in the desired and acceptable outcome for our children. Years later when it became apparent that those straight words had not vetoed the use of substances by Ryan, that expression evolved rapidly into the next blunt and obvious set of terms known as “STOP doing drugs” Both of those phrases are actually something that I regret having ever said. Say what? Those easy words of “don’t start” and “just stop” have the appearance of a straightforwardness that we can all understand and follow through with and yet they are a green truth because simple words are not enough when we are facing life altering things and or moments. It’s like repeatedly saying “calm down” to someone who is acting out of control even though no one has ever relaxed because of that statement and it often actually makes the situation worse by down playing, that devaluing of, that person’s feelings. Why do we leave out the particulars that can help us go through? It is not our ability to understand what each phrase means or the potential of how substances can effect us but rather a complicated collection of things that cycle within the place that needs us most that has the actual power to cause those falls and the ability to lift us up as well. We are all able to perceive of the fact and the opinion that no one ever aspired to become an addict nor feels that he or she will until it happens but by implying that one needs to only think to not begin or to end it continues to feed the very hell we appear to want to “STOP” In other words, it doesn’t have to be perfect but it does have to be the all of us and that includes, most importantly, what we experience as individuals in this so very heavell life otherwise we have a missing course of action that is and will continue to be detrimental to finding and holding onto prevention and change. So why do I have guilt and grief over using the expressions “DON’T start” and “STOP” even though both were what my mind kept saying over and over? Does something about that part of my story seem familiar to you either because you did it too or you listened to it just like Ryan? The real truth is that those effortless phrases hold exactly what defines them, no mental effort, despite our being on a very messy trail that requires continual adaptations to navigate it especially if addicted. They also imply substance users are impossible, regardless of our intentions. Can we truly be surprised, then, at that being an “f” moment and not one of the good ones? It was certainly an eye-opener for me as well as for many of the parents of addicts that I have met over the years. Give me a moment to recollect myself. Oh hell, give yourself a moment to recollect yourself as well. This is life so let’s lean in to hear what’s there rather than just staying within that limited view that actually holds missteps for us. After all, we also have always had the choice to not repeat today what was done yesterday just as we have expected of addicts. Both Ryan and I needed our matter of time to perceive of and then understand that. My regret lies in my having thought that he was the only one who needed to change and that my actions were effortless even when my motion implied otherwise. Be loud and be kind but most of all have the best day possible for you as you recollect yourself because it is always good to be home where there is great value in being who you are. Love Always, Heavell.
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