Imagine A Place #207

Change is something that is always enfolding us as we add experiences in any kind of life even when today holds the familiarity of yesterday. We hope that transformations will occur while we are in a position of comfortableness but since it most often never ever occurs that way, our desire for what is familiar encourages us to repeat cycles or to go back to what we know while wishing to find something different in the same place. Substitution, however, is a series of movements through feelings of being unsafe and the pain while hearing the loud voices of fear telling us that it is impossible for us to become different or that it won’t lead to better if we have to hurt to get there. It’s in those particular thoughts and feelings, then, that we can perceive that change has to be something unwelcoming before it can eventually evolve into what we embrace within ourselves. After all, it’s a complicated ride in hell that has never ever indicated that it would be easy or kind because it’s not just the stopping of a behavior but rather the changing of weeds into flowers to prevent going back to what’s familiar. At one point, while Ryan and I were outside on a beautiful day, he turned and asked “why did I lose myself for so long mom?” I had the simple answer in my thoughts that it was because of those tricky drugs and since the relief of being back in the flowers felt so safe and easy, I didn’t feel the need to look beyond what was just in front of me so my response was that “it only mattered that he was here now” Later I thought about that examination of himself and how if he had looked only one way, he could have effortlessly fallen again because grief and regret are powerful enough to do that to any of us. In fact as well as opinion, they had been a part of his relapses in the yesterdays because memories are a funny thing and our weeds are far more powerful in their presence than our flowers are; with and without the reminders from others. The matter of time it takes to get out of that darkness is complicated by so many details as a whole but the pain that is before each of us individually can feed that hell again and again and again in such an unfriendly way that it’s no wonder why it takes us so long to go through a place where we are breathing in the fear and feel alone. In order to exchange what we have for something else, though, we have to find the beauty in those weeds otherwise we will continue to carry the weight of the world that can, in any given moment, cause us to fall or to relapse. However, even when change does find us, there are times when the resulting substitution isn’t all that we had hoped for but there is still a strength that we need to lean in to hear and to hold on to. Ryan transformed his “flipping out” in life into looking in the mirror to see and feel his pain, finding forgiveness for himself as well as others as he evolved, but within his process of what hurt and the eventual beauty and strength that came from it was also the replacing of a strong body with one that was weak and unable to withstand serious illness. In my series of movements, the simple story is that I went from being a mother of a son to being one of an addict, then to a mom of a recovered one and now I am living as the mom of a dream that is no longer here. My process has not ended but continues on as I discover what has failed to hold safety, love and forgiveness for myself. I am evolving those items with the help of knowing what those personal emotional definitions mean to me today versus what they held in the yesterdays but of course this is also a journey in the weeds and sometimes I just want to be where it’s effortless to breathe. In other words, we are always being enfolded by change and most definitely in unwelcoming ways but we are also the ones who can imagine a place where our collections of things, particularly the dreaded ones, are the moments before we view how the darkness is a hidden detail whose purpose is to enable beauty, strength and even superpowers. When thinking of you, then, being able to love you where you are rather than where you want to be or believe you should be is a step towards understanding and friendship for yourself as a part of the unkind process of substitution. As I pass this way again, I imagine a place in this so very heavell life where every dream matters because without their illumination of what needs to be dealt with, weeds would continue to appear to be the things that should be hidden and the definitions for terms such as trust, fondness and forgiveness would remain in a field of view that is limited. Can you imagine a place where impossible becomes I’m-possible as love and safety for yourself show up even when you are in the darkness and scared? Oh hell, I am going to be all right in the weeds but if I find that I am carry the weight of the world as I look both ways, lots of tissues and funny memories that make me laugh until my stomach hurts will help me to remember to breathe in brave. Have the best day possible for you with kindness and wherever you go, may you imagine a place where you can go through with the all of you. Thank you. Love Always, Heavell