Go Back #205

Change is a word that is defined by the desire for things to be different through progress but what’s not there is the particular that we wish for it to occur while we are in a place of comfortableness even though we know that by remaining there, we will continue to find what we already have regardless of the hope that we wont. Is it the fear of the unknown that makes stepping towards development so difficult or is it our trust of what is familiar that encourages us to believe that it is safer to stay where we are and wait for blooming to locate us? Or is it that what that term actually holds is not the desire to go forward but instead to go back to a simpler time where what has been done felt like it was enough? Or perhaps it’s that transformation has already occurred, one that has created doubt and fear, so we now need the return of what we had confidence in in order to actually believe that change, the one we want, is possible? In other words, we want to advance without having to consider that change is actually a series of movements in the weeds where the pain can eventually evolve into what moves us forward and that flowers are not the proof of having never fallen but are merely the reminders to trust in our abilities to go through in our matter of time. When I look both ways at what I was thinking and feeling during Ryan’s substance use, I can see that I actually feared him changing unless it was going to be into what I wanted. Memories are a funny thing and they were a part of my pressuring Ryan to ignore or get over what he was feeling and while it definitely seemed reasonable at that time, it only worsened an already hell situation. During his sober time we talked about my inability to lean in to hear him and he reminded me that I was behaving as best as I could under the circumstances. Please go back and read that line again and feel his forgiveness for me. A superpower in his process of change but still not strong enough to prevent my falls from the pain in my steps. At no point during his substance use did I perceive that his “flipping out” was the illumination of his pain and yet he was able to recognize my hurt; and not just in the things that he was a part of. He was far more understanding and forgiving of me as well as others than we had been of him but then that was where he was at in his transformation. It wasn’t until Ryan died that I really understood how our feelings of safety are effected when others only want to show up for the parts that they want or wish to have someone just go back and be who he or she was before pain implemented dreaded change. The constraint of those desires on me today has felt as if I can’t be all that I am, not accepted as a whole and only wanted when I am fun and fabulous or at least appear to be, which has in turn only increased the volume of my pain. If I could go back, if I could pass that specific way again, I would open the door to the messes and sit down in order to better understand him and myself but then it’s hard to view that until we are ready to bloom which is never when we are in the midst of it. Change, then, is not just the act of stopping a behavior or being in comfort or only for others nor defined by time. It is the painful process of discovering how love, trust and fear evolve along all of our journeys while we are together and not together; falling and rising in any given moment. It’s knowing that regret, grief and forgiveness as well as saying “I am sorry” are not just for others but are a part of the process of showing up for ourselves. It’s being scared while also perceiving that courage is waiting right there too for the moment when we are ready to breathe and look both ways. Mostly, though, it’s recognizing that change is often not easily seen, done or felt despite what we believe, at least not for awhile, and that it can also happen in a split second or over a lifetime or fail and it can even be delayed by the very things that we hope will help advance it as well as be exactly what we don’t want. Change, after all, is more than than the view of forward progress because it also has the ability to be a facilitator of doubt and fear as well as impossibilities. Rarely, if ever, do we feel safe and loved in the process of it and those things are a part of the why we desire to go back. When thinking of you, do you feel any of that? Oh hell, memories are a funny thing and if I am being straight with myself, I still hate some of the parts that had to be in order to move us forward but I am also thankful for the tough lessons and especially for Ryan. Every dream matters whether here or not as being an essential part of change and we shouldn’t go back because of and for them as well as ourselves. Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell