Thinking Of You #202

One of the ways that we feel trust is through the confidence that we have in people, places, things or even ourselves and the consistent or familiar manner in which that presence shows up. However, while confidence is considered to be a desired item, it can be misleading because of what is familiar to us and it can also transform into something that is no longer in our best interest or never ever really was without our even realizing it. Because we are powered by every note, it would seem simple enough to recognize how the flowers as well as the weeds play a role in our lives but it really isn’t that easy because of the security that we believe can only be found in what is wanted while also finding safety in the comfortableness of what we don’t want. Being comfortable is, after all, another particular in how we define having trust but it is just one of many terms that we need to look at both ways in order to understand how they effect our ability to have fondness and well-being within ourselves. When Ryan was young, I had confidence that the words that I used in regards to why he should never ever use substances would be enough to prevent that from happening. I even felt safe in the belief that all of my terms would speak to him as they should but what I didn’t recognize was that he held experiences and feelings that were adding to who he was that I wasn’t even aware of. When Ryan ingested that very first substance, he had confidence that he was stronger than anything that he used. In fact he told me that he wanted to prove to his father, an active addict at that time, that it was possible to enter the hell of substance use and then turn around and walk out in any given moment if one really wanted too. He felt he would be able to save his father by leading the way out and I understood that belief through my desire to rescue him by handing him his value but as with everything there are far more particulars, often hidden, that play a role that must be ascertained in order for change to even begin. What I knew back then was that my phrases worked when he was young and that comfortableness helped me to be consistent but with that hell showing up I should have recognized that things were definitely not what I viewed. I was, of course, repeating my familiar and while we both trusted it’s existence, it was who I was, in there he felt unheard and that his feelings were either wrong or did not matter. That wasn’t my intent but the results was the facilitation of the devaluing of him and as I continued behaving in my comfortable manner, the more I reinforced that now trusted thought in him while still steadily trying to hand him his flowers. But just as I had hoped he would evolve from his weeds, I also had to perceive that I needed to stop having confidence in the same manner that had already proven that it was no longer in either of our best interests. An unseen detail of change as well as trust, then, is recognizing that as we each add to ourselves through our moments, it isn’t about being in a place of comfortableness or what we want but rather in eventually finding our way through, adjusting, as the things that worked become what doesn’t and discovering the understanding for that as we go along our trails. Neither Ryan nor I adjusted as we should have because familiar always seems safer but in a different truth weeds don’t always remain as weeds, flowers can lose their beauty and rides in hell can become superpowers as well as the creators of sometime warriors. It takes being uncomfortable not comfortable in order to recognize that but who would ever want to feel that way? When thinking of you, what do you find safety in? Are those things in your best interest or is it time to turn around and look both ways? When thinking of you and the terms of an offer that you have for yourself, does it include fondness for yourself especially when you are lost in the weeds? Have you defined what love means as it pertains to yourself or are you still seeking that answer on the outside of yourself? Today is the kind of day to be loud in all that you are but also to lean in to hear because sometimes the steadiness of others isn’t meant to devalue but rather is the results of what use to work in the yesterdays fearing becoming uncomfortable in order to change. Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell