Look Both Ways #201

Our hopes hold our overall wants yet often fail to contain the particulars of what those things clearly mean or even what it will take for us to have them. In part, not being specific can allow for adjustments to be made as needed along the way but in a different direction, the lack of those details could prevent those items from becoming what we desire leaving us wondering why. If one of our intentions is the wish for fondness then our capacity to have it or not for ourselves is an important feature, a definer, in what we seek on the outside of ourselves. If trust is the intent then our belief in showing up for ourselves or not will also be expressed in the what or the who we look to find security in. But what if an important detail of ours that effects those desires is one that we hide or deny even though it literally can be found in everyone in any kind of life? Have you thought about the term fear and how it guides your beliefs as well as your series of movements? Do you feel that emotion or is it expressed in a “not in your best interest” form like anger or perhaps addiction? At times our distress is so strong that it makes sense for us to avoid what’s there but isn’t one of the aspects of trust and love based in remembering to believe in the moments where we are scared because why would we need to do that when things are easy? Fear is an emotion that has held my hand for far too long over the years and while it has seemed as if courage was no where near me, it was actually there quietly holding my other hand. Ryan was scared too before he began his substance use, while in that particular place and at times afterwards in the last couple of years of his life. Being afraid is such an uncomfortable and vulnerable position that it’s far easier to close doors or to flip out and as Ryan got louder with his so did I. In fact it got to where we could trust that that’s exactly how we would show up and yet I think we both had the hope that the other would stop but once we were living that ride neither of us seemed able to get off of it. It is also simpler to justify not changing because others aren’t but at some point someone has to choose to do this differently and take the first step to lead the way. Someone has to be unguarded enough to admit to falls in words and behaviors as well as being scared, right? Then there is the green truth that courage is loud and powerful so anger must be our being brave, showing up, but the real truth is it’s just the loud voice of fear speaking too. If I could turn around and undo what has been done in the yesterdays, one of the things that I would change is how I was comfortable with all the ways in which fear lived in and around me. In other words, I trusted the familiarity of it despite being aware of feeling unsafe in the mess of it. Ryan had belief in the substances he used and while we could say with certainty that it was the tricks of the drugs that led him to believe as he did, it wasn’t in his best interest to deny the role that fear, also known as pain and anger, played as well. Nor was it helpful how we both felt distressed in letting go of the safety of how we were being even though we hated it living in us. So, in a different truth, trust is not always a word that is in our best interest specifically if the feature of love for ourselves isn’t a part of our process in discovering it. There’s grief and regret in the knowledge of the time it takes for us to look both ways but then it’s never easy to view all that we should when we are in the midst of chaos and love seems to be lost. If we do look both ways, though, it is possible to perceive that even when we are behaving in ways that are not in our best interest, like addiction or anger, we are attempting to hold courage closer than we do fear. Those are the moments, no matter the time it takes, before we step towards the possibilities of trusting and loving ourselves especially when in the weeds. This is me and while you may not see it in me, I am still afraid at times but I am all right. When that voice speaks too loudly, I look both ways and remind myself that I am on a trail that holds the beauty of flowers, dreaded “f” moments and boxes of tissues as well as a sometime warrior who falls down but eventually gets up. Look both ways at how fear and courage work together and not together to help you as well as how “I am sorry” can also be a “thank you” when we lean in to hear the views of others. Look both ways at how lost and found are the particulars of falls and getting up that facilitate our hope for change as well as how trust lives in the things that we hate but the feature of fondness can bring being safe home to the place that needs us most where it belongs. Look both ways at the terms of your offer and the details that define them in your so very heavell life. Are they in your best interest and do they help you to show up for you or is it time to turn around? Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell