Feel That #192

Laughter that makes our stomachs hurt is the desired place to be in but when our particular feelings of pain and uncomfortableness appear, there is a belief that we are flawed if we are unable to cope with the same ease that we enjoy the things that are fun. Because of that thought, we will do whatever it takes to avoid what’s there with the hope that those emotions that make breathing difficult will somehow cease to exist. A conflict then ensues between our hearts and our minds because what has been felt will show up when we least expect them to, again and again, no matter what we try to talk ourselves into. Those unwanted and dreaded feelings, that still have a voice despite being hidden, are a facilitator in the feeding of the hell where we feel alone, hurt and or scared even when we are in a room full of people or with those who love us. Understanding and support for what is there is the connection that we are seeking and yet we never ever turn to the mirror where the person who has been through it all with us can be found. Why is that? Is it because we believe we are impossible for having those experiences to begin with? After Ryan died, there was a certain amount of compassion and carrying of me for a matter of time but eventually life moved on for everyone else. For some, dealing with the person that I had become was not what they wanted to do which was not unlike how I felt during parts of Ryan’s substance use. When that happened for me, the grief that I had been feeling changed from an incredible sadness to being illuminated in the most intense anger I have ever felt or expressed in my life. Which I also realize was not unlike Ryan during particular moments in his life. On the inside I knew that it wasn’t going to just go away or be silenced until I was able to change how it held me but transforming it meant accepting the pain as a part of my life which wasn’t something I wanted to do. As much as I hated feeling that way, I also felt so justified in it that it became a comfortable place for me to get lost in for far longer than I should have. In other words it was a familiar coping place from the yesterdays that I thought made me strong even though I was actually so very weak. While there, I wished for some ally that would make me feel better but there were no words that could have been said or actions to be done that would have changed where I was at until I wanted it for myself. Not even the understanding and the support of those who had also lost a child could alter what I felt because that mess was mine and I alone had to go through it. Do you feel that? After all, what hurts on the inside can’t be fixed by people, places or things that are found on the outside of ourselves. That kind of grief, though, doesn’t just occur in the loss of someone we love because we are also able to feel that way in all of the moments where we mislay ourselves and hurt as in the “f” ones that are not fabulous. Once we are in that position we can fall, so very hard, in our words and actions even though it’s not who we really are. Can you feel that? There was a lot of pressure on me back then to just be who I was prior to his death but the real truth was and still is that I will never be that person again so I might as well be who I am now. I realize that I had also wanted Ryan to be who he was prior to his substance use and yet that was impossible because of the things that had been in his kind of life. In a different truth though, that desire is in part a hope that someone will be all right just like he or she had been prior but sometimes it’s also because it is easier to deal with what we are already comfortable with. I am able to feel that now while also understanding that we need to accept ourselves and others through the series of movements that make us who we are even when we don’t like it or know what to do. This is me. I am a “f” moment maker and I don’t always handle life well but I am learning to lean with it rather than hiding it until it becomes so loud from a lack of dealing that I become weak. This was also Ryan in his sobriety and somewhere in here you are able to feel that in your way as well. Be kind and be loud in showing up for yourself and your gray lines because in this so very heavell life this starts with and goes through with the person in the mirror; also known as you. Love Always, Heavell.