It’s Times Like This #262

How far we feel from the home within us depends upon what we are feeling on the inside and if that connection seems to have been lost, it’s hard to imagine ourselves as being capable of getting through anything even when we really, really want to. Hope is the desire to get to the place where we think happiness is waiting for us, but in order to move the plot towards that want, we have to go through this very moment now with who we are and what we have. Basically, because that is what we are actually working with, our goals and our hope have to be shaped to fit the fluctuations in us and our journey’s debris. Think back to who you believed you were prior to the start of your substance use. Could you have written a story of love about yourself in that place? Now in this very moment, the one where who you are needs to feel safe, what can you say that you love about yourself? It isn’t easy, is it? Finding that support or that heart connection when we are in pain or scared or angry or hanging on is like being captive in a dark cave where the only thing we hear and see is our inner dragon telling us that we can’t and never will. Last week I mentioned the three positions that I have been in as a result of Ryan’s substance use (the non-addict parent, the parent of an addict and now the mother of a deceased child) although those are not the only paths that I have been on in my life. Each has been a just starting experience because I came in with little to no tools in the beginning of all of them and unfortunately despite my hope and my goals, I stayed in that location on the trail for far longer than I should have. I failed, repeatedly, to allow for the adjustment of my wants, my hope and my feelings when things didn’t go as planned whether I was taking steps or not and Ryan did that as well. This is, after all, a so very heavell life and we get sad in beautiful moments, polarize on what happiness is supposed to be and we have doubt even when we can see the sunlight ahead as the chance of storms clears. We are authentic people living epic tales that hurt and, in some moments, we are the sometime warriors and in other ones we fall down while wishing for who we were prior or who we want to be later. The goal was for Ryan to be sober and to live a happy life. He was sober but he didn’t survive so it was a win that included a failure that never was a part of the original idea. That, of course, led to the pain of a thousand piercing prickles which showed itself in the form of one of my dragons known as monstrous anger. You know what else happened? Yeah, I became terrified that one of my other children would die and so I desperately wanted to put them in a cave where they could be in what I felt was a place of safety, with me standing over them as an enraged beast, but what they really needed was to be safe on the inside to feel in all the ways they did in every single moment. Imagine that they are grieving for Ryan while also trying to reassure me that they would be okay while watching me not being all right and also trying to control their paths out of fear. It’s all understandable but what a mess on top of a mess on top of a mess. It’s times like this that we have to be in the moment that we are and that is the real truth for all the ways that we actually live but it’s so very hard to do with rigid wishes or steps that don’t allow for the fluctuations that we experience. Yesterday has things we need to know about who we have been. We also need the hope of the possibilities that can be found in the tomorrows, but neither of those positions is with us right now in this very moment. It’s times like these that remind me that it isn’t just about the flowers or that perceived happiness that’s waiting for us to get there in one more moment or day or whatever. We don’t, however, read the blooms like we should because if we did, we would see that they are found in the win of allowing ourselves to safely feel as we do especially when in the weeds. It’s times like this that as sad as I feel in the loss of Ryan, I am grateful for his addiction, yes, I said that again, because I know myself better in this moment than I ever did prior to. I can’t even begin to imagine what I will find in the tomorrows which is both scary as well as beautiful but always all right either way. This is a rollercoaster ride with dragons, pain, weeds, thorns as well as lots of “flipping out” and each moment can be felt or be seen differently whether we are passing this way again and again or just starting. Work to be safe with you in your home, that heart, so that you can adjust to have the best day POSSIBLE for you no matter the debris or fluctuations. It’s times like this that boxes of tissues are one of the best tools I can take with me as I shape my hope and embrace all the ways that love lives even when they weren’t in the plan. Love Always, Heavell