Imagine all or some or one of the people on the circle of heavell holding a sign that states where you should be. If those trails are not clear, those signs might be misleading. Even if they are clear, we still don’t always end up where they direct us. After all, where you want me to be may not be where I want to go or should go. Where I am definitely might not be the right answer for an addict or another non-addict. We are all different people with our own diverse feelings. No one should tell you where you should be in your life nor control how you get there. I cannot decide what is right for you. I can only tell you how I believe I got here and what currently is my knowledge of this hell. “You should be here” is a green truth. This life has many trails that lead to many things, behaviors and coping that can either lift you up or bring you down as well as others. The real truth is that you are your own guide out of hell and this is going to go as well as you put into it; reap what you sow. A father who had asked for my input on his son’s addiction had told me that his son should be grateful that he is alive. I had pointed out that if he were capable of being grateful, he wouldn’t have almost died. The father then proceeded to tell me that the family would decide what was best. The truth hurts but if we don’t look at it, we will achieve the same outcome today as we did yesterday as we will tomorrow. Denial is the friend of the snake and one of the apples that we all bite from. At times though, denial prevents the breaking of ourselves which makes it seem almost justifiable. I am not emotionally attached to this man’s son so I am not affected by his inability to be grateful. I am however affected by my son’s inabilities as well as the rest of the people on my circle. How do you feel when someone else makes choices that affect your life? Are you guilty of doing that too? Because addicts are just like you and me, we should be the people we want them to be; do as I say and as I do.
Did Ryan take those pain pills that he was given after he had his tonsils out? Sometimes we just know the truth about things without always having the proof. He wasn’t grateful for being alive despite that terrible ordeal of overdosing. I thought he should be, those were my feelings, but he wasn’t and those were his feelings. What’s the problem? Just do as I say. Were those pills the beginning of the fall back into hell? He certainly found relief from his emotional pain via drugs but they were merely the things he used to run from those feelings and thoughts. The real culprit of his drug use was his inability to cope well. A couple of weeks later, an addict made a choice that didn’t just affect Ryan, but actually devastated him. There is always an excuse to use but some moments almost seem justifiable. The addict was drunk and walking in the road towards oncoming traffic. It was a dark night with no lighting and the individual had on dark clothing. Ryan did not see that person until a moment before he hit him/her. The person flew up onto the vehicle and then into the windshield. Ryan stopped immediately and screamed for help. He kneeled praying over that person until help arrived. Via a blood test, Ryan was proven not to be under the influence of anything. Perhaps that addict was grateful to be alive but the visual of that night made Ryan wish he himself was not. Many times over the years, others had made decisions that affected him negatively. The justification of those choices led to Ryan’s belief that his feelings did not matter because someone else’s feeling were always more important. He then became just like everyone else by justifying his choices. If it’s good enough for me then it is good enough for you. Ultimately after that night, he went running back to the place where pain did not rule him and he felt heard; the valley of the fallen angels. Imagine if all or some or even one person on the circle of heavell held up a sign for you that said, “You should be here”. Would you want to be there? Would you be or have you been aware of how it affects others? Addicts and non-addicts are really very much the same.
Now you see me now you don’t. Illusions of perfection. The valley of the fallen angels. Denial is only one of the apples the snake wants you to bite. A tree can bring down a whole forest. Here a lie, there a lie, everywhere there are lies. I hate drugs but the poster child loves them. Little boxes of feelings. You should be here because I said so. Deserted streets of a soul. Once upon a dream. Just like you. Some people just appear to be good but the mirror knows the real truth. Your choices almost seem justifiable.
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