Once a dream has fallen into addiction, the affects of all that it entails becomes a part of everyone on the circle of heavell whether we want it to or not. Some of our responses to that scenario are then based upon our resentment of being pulled into hell with them. If only those angels had done what we had said, none of us would have been placed on the trail of addiction that may never truly be that far away. Our memories of yesterday remind us of who an addict was prior to today and within those recollections is the hope that they will return to that place in life. I had just wanted Ryan to come home to himself in order to be that pre-conceived notion that I had held of him. With each sober moment, day, week or BLAH, I had believed that that was who would return. It fueled my determination to make that the reality for him as well as for myself. The real truth though was that my knowledge of him was made up of only some of his parts. Within each relapse, those secret pieces fought to be seen and heard despite being detrimental to the carrier within whom they lived and who was also fighting to keep them hidden. In order for an addict or even a non-addict to be whole, all of the pieces that make up his or her personal circle of heavell must be loved, hated, accepted or changed; regardless of our desire to acknowledge them or not. You should be here is based upon our emotional definitions but is not necessarily the right answer for others. There had been times in the past where my memories of Ryan brought me pain because of all that had been lost but also for the person that I had thought he would become. Who he is or who I am is based upon the heaven and the hell of each of us and not just one or the other. Addiction is merely one part of him and I am more than just the mother of an addict. We can use the words that we all have an understanding of but it is those personal emotional definitions that live in our hearts that lead us to where we all fall. If we do not deal with the whole of each of us, then we will live only in illusions of perfection while ensuring that hell will never truly be that far away. Lend me your feelings and I will lend you mine because we are each a circle of heavell. No one will ever come together as we each have nor feel exactly as we each do; sometimes in secret and sometimes very publicly. There is you and then there is me but there is also so much more in between because it is just not that simple. How we feel on the inside will be expressed on the outside; sometimes to the detriment of all.
What if a loved one has only known a dream as solely being in that place of addiction? What beauty can be found in a hell where hope has only been seen lurking in the shadows? In the past I have failed to recall that both Ashlee and Ryan carry the parts of being the children of an addict; all of the highs and the lows that it entails. I had believed that they would be fine but unfortunately addiction had impacted them in ways that were felt on the inside but I had neglected to recognize on the outside. By being unaware of what they were breathing into their hearts, I never realized all that was becoming a part of their whole circle of heavell. They were each completely alone in the emotional definitions that came to be within themselves and as such reacted in separate manners. It was hard for me to comprehend what being a child of an addict encompassed and the consequence was my inability to perceive of the things that carried the weight of the world for them. What has been done cannot be undone by any of us because in the yesterdays we will always be the “f” word; in so many moments that have impacted them as well as others. We were a part of those traumas whether we knew it or not or intended to be or not. Ashlee sums up her life this way: She physically lives in a home but the part of her that is the child of an addict lives on a continuously moving roller coaster. Along for the ride in the other seats are her worries, uncertainty, fear, sadness for what has been lost and forgiveness for those “f” times. Thankfulness is also found there for the moments or days that addiction isn’t at the forefront of her life. Even the aspect of incoming phone calls or those that are left unanswered ride along in the familiar way that the sinking feeling of defeat can bring. As an adult she has been able to grasp the hands of courage and fear while breathing in brave. She also carries hope within her now for herself, for Ryan, for her father, as well as for others. Because she has learned to water her flowers and pull her own weeds, she has become more than just the part of her that is a daughter, the sibling and the friend of addicts. It is her real truth about a brave little girl who will always just be in the heart of a woman who has found beauty in hell. As she has said: Addiction breaks so many but it also gives rise to the understanding and compassion that we all need to find within ourselves for ourselves; because there is so much more in between. Please stand by as we are all in need of repair.
To Devon: As mothers, our intent is to protect our children by removing them from what or whom we see as being harmful. Unfortunately we are not always able to see the trauma that rises from within despite that effort. My children can perceive of your pain but only you can find your place to be. Your continued compassion in a situation from where there is no escape is admirable. You will find beauty in hell by breathing in brave. Hope does live in you for you. You are a circle of heavell. Embrace every single part for they are what make you the only you. What will you do with the knowledge of you?
To Charlie: It is with great sorrow that we say good-bye to you. I will never forget how your bear hug lifted the weight of the world for me that day at the hospital after Ryan had over-dosed. Thank you for perceiving of me in my darkest moments. For a man who spoke few words, your impact shook this world. Until we meet again…
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