My friend, who is an addict, asked me a few days ago if I thought that he or she mattered in the lives of others; knowing that you will be remembered is something that can be important to each of us. The question reminded me of the words spoken by the homeless, young people I spent time with in Denver last summer. Each one, but especially Thomas, had said that they just wanted to be remembered. The perception of what we recall about others is influenced by the how and the what they have been in our lives; the loss or the trauma(s), the laughter and the happiness, the briefness or the extended time, as well as the BLAH. The anything and the everything can and does affect what we discern as memorable; as well as where those moments are placed in our little boxes of feelings. As an addict who has had many moments of sobriety over a lifetime, my friend is a dream as well as a nightmare. He or she, though, only wants to be thought of as being what appears to be the only acceptable person, place or thing to be; heaven or the illusion of it. The green truth of it is that he or she can never truly be forgotten because of some or even all that has been given rise to; the moments found in the yesterdays as well as the ones that will be felt in the tomorrows. When there is hell in our lives, whether perceived by others or not, those hell moments can darken all of the heaven ones until they are hidden deep within the shadows; as if they never even happened. Because addiction has played a strong role in both Ashlee’s and Ryan’s childhood, many of the their memories, the heaven ones, were shrouded in darkness; leaving large parts of their lives hidden from their recollections. We are fractured when there are missing or hidden parts because a part or some parts can never equal a whole. We must treat both the heaven and the hell equally, whether an addict or not, to prevent that detachment or to restore what has been forgotten; the heaven parts can lift up the hell parts. The real truth is that it’s not whether we will be remembered or not but the how and the why we are that will live into the tomorrows. My friend does not want to be remembered for the hell that he or she has brought and yet that is part of what has been done. Denying the heavell will keep others fractured; as well as his or her self. What has been done cannot be undone for both the hell and the heaven; thus both must be perceived. What is in your words that you say to yourself as well as to others? How does your behavior affect you as well as others? Please stand by because hope lives in the future just as it lived in the yesterdays; located within the shadows of all that has been for each and everyone of us.
Last week another friend reminded me that we can be left feeling lost and uncertain when life does not go as we had planned or even had just hoped for; if your scared just say you are because we all are at some point. We often don’t know how to cope with all that has been but especially with the hell; even though it will never be that far away because heaven cannot exist without it. Addiction is not something that anyone aspires to have nor is anyone prepared to deal with it once it has begun; whether the addict or not. No dream, whether here or gone, is or was only the part that breathes through that addiction. Despite the similarities that can bind us together, everyone has a multitude of thoughts, feelings, behaviors and the BLAH that have come together in a specific manner within each of us. The perception of those moments, that have been filled with our feelings about the anything and the everything, are ours and ours alone to place in the little boxes in our hearts. Because of that, we are the perfect people to love, hate, accept or change all of our parts but never to deny any of them nor those of others. If we see and feel the hell, then it is up to us to locate the beauty that is hidden in the shadows within us; it is the only place where it can be located. If it is the heaven that has been found, then we must use that to help guide us when we are on the trail in hell. We can’t be who we are if someone else decides for us what to remember of any moment or person, or how to feel or even how to cope with all that has been; it’s my heaven that can lift my hell not yours. We can, however, all use help in embracing the heavell that each of us are; so that the hell does not overwhelm our moments and the heaven is not just the appearance of it. Tell me all of your feelings and I will tell you all of mine. When I look in the mirror I see a dream and a nightmare who has learned to find beauty no matter where I am. How about you? What do you see when you look in the mirror? We will be remembered but maybe not in the manner we had planned, hoped for or think we should be. Pick your own weeds and smell your own flowers because you’ve got heavell; whether you want it or not.
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