Each of us have and hold our own stories as perceived from our positions. Our words, feelings, moments and even the BLAH belong solely to each of us; carrying the weight of the world or not in the heart of each beholder. We are effected by the people, places and things that are on the outside of us; just as we impact what is on the outside of ourselves. It is easy enough to believe we know what the reactions should be to the all that has been; especially when that perception is seen from the outside. However, the things that come into contact with our parts can and do create pain on the inside; the place for it to just be. Do you know, today, what you will do differently with your fear; whether an addict or not? Can you find an understanding for that hell; even for what is hidden in the shadows? Is it possible for you to be amazed at what it has taken to create that mess within you? Are you able to view more than what appears to be the strongest part? What if in this perfect moment you were to realize “Who I am” is while laughing, crying, being afraid and courageous as a whole? Just as we keep adding to our parts with more and more moments, we also chain all of the feelings that have been created by them. It can seem impossible to go through all that has been but there are often essential moments, from the yesterdays, that carry the weight of the world for us. They affect the anything and the everything that is similar and or different; whether we intend them to or not. We may want for others to hear us but the real truth is that we have to notice how our words feel on the inside of us; listening to and experiencing the emotions that they hold within our own hearts. The reason why each of us can only go through in our matter time is because of those personal emotional definitions; specific to our individual so very heavell lives. It matters not what part you see in the mirror, such as an addict or real life princess or student or parent or even the BLAH, but what you feel in every part of you; from the fabulous right down to the failures. As the heavell keeper of your life, the story of “Who I am” can only be told by you; as well as dealt with through you. Please hold on because you have always been so much more than just a part; no matter how big or small those “f” moments may be. I believe in your hell and I see your heaven but then that is “Who I am”. I will just be waiting right here while you get loud in the all of you.
Ryan wrote, on the center of a piece of paper, the words “Who I am”. All around that title were the words that he believed described the all of him; as felt in the heart of the beholder. The honesty of those descriptive words showed what place he had been in when he wrote them; having found an understanding for his hell and the belief in his little bit of heaven once again. It’s simple enough to be an illusion of perfection, to hide the real truth, but it is has never ever been easy to see the so very heavell individuals that we each are; nor to admit that we are the perfect people to bring hell to ourselves and or others. It’s all right that you have forgotten who you are; whether an addict or not. The view becomes complicated by the things that are on the outside but especially by what is on the inside of us; making it difficult to step. If you are aware of the pain, find the beauty by locating the understanding for how you came to be in the place that you are; and breathe in brave. What has been done cannot be undone but we do not have to continue to feed the hell. What is in the words that you say to yourself; as well as to others? They are more than just the description of people, places and things. They have and hold every moment and feeling of you. They are a view into the story of “Who I am”; especially of what has been in the yesterdays. You need to hear and feel you; in order to remove the strength of what hurts. No amount of altering, hiding or denying will ever change the real truth of that; whether an addict or not. Here’s to your sometime warrior, “f” moments, pain, beauty and as the perfect person to love, hate, accept and change every part of you. Please hold on because tomorrow will be here soon and the view just might become clearer once you get loud in the “Who I am”; also known as the all of you.
Heavell will be taking a leave over the holidays for two weeks. We are going to take this time to take Ryan on some adventures that he had wanted to do; getting loud in who he was for him. We are going to laugh, cry, be afraid and have courage while continuing to learn how to step. Being without him in our lives is an unbelievable hell but having had him also holds so many moments of heaven. Today will be the same as yesterday if we focus on only a part or only have heavenly expectations in a life that is so very heavell; for each of us. No matter what has happened in the yesterdays, we have to treat all of it equally. We hope that you will find the beauty that can be located wherever you are; because its simply you regardless of what is on the outside. Laugh until your stomach hurts, cry for what has hurt and be kind as you step, walk in circles and fall along the trail. Please hold on as an essential part of the circle of heavell; a story that can only be told from your position. Every dream matters whether here or not. See you soon in the next year. Love, Heavell
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