Who Are You? #53

I struggled, for years, to understand why the person that I thought was Ryan and the one Ryan believed he was, were not actually one and the same. Perceptions, of others or ourselves, based on fact and fiction can appear to be simple, the green truth, but are in reality complicated. What I knew of him was based on the appearance of the exterior, heaven, and yet beneath that layer was a turmoil that I did not realize existed. I can now see how I missed the moments and the patterns that were the warnings of that which was on the inside would not be denied being expressed on the outside. It’s hard to clearly understand the real truth when we often only see the illusions that are presented; when the surface appears to be smooth but underneath is a current of destruction. When the discovery of hell shatters our perception, we can refuse to acknowledge the reality of it in order to continue today as we had yesterday as we hope to in the future. We know our dreams and yet we do not know every part of them. Denial of what we do not or cannot see does not change the truth about anyone or anything although justification can help us to stay in those illusions. Each of us has moments of imperfection but patterns speak to a different reality that can be hard to perceive as well as accept until the state of things knocks us out of heaven and right off the cliff into hell. I spent a lot time trying to make Ryan’s addiction into a mistake, a misstep, because it was all that I was able to cope with or could understand. I had refused to accept that my dream who had become a nightmare had been actually living in a nightmare of his own. It is easier to believe that someone else, addict or not, is in denial than it is to realize and accept that those behaviors are occurring in ourselves as well. My perceptions of him as well as myself hindered my ability to find the balance between what was and what had become; the conflict between the green truth and the real truth. We are either a part of the solution or we are a part of the problem, the heaven or the hell, that makes a difference on the circle of heavell.

Someone recently told me that because outcomes are unpredictable due to a multitude of factors, our actions really don’t matter in this world; sounding very much like the apples known as denial and justification. The memory of those who had said that we did not seem to be the type that would have a child that would become an addict fueled the belief that our behaviors were of no importance. I felt confident that mine had not played a role in any of Ryan’s obstacles until hell held a mirror so big  that I could not continue to point at others as the reason without including myself. So here I am, having appeared to be perfect, and yet having discovered that I have had a part in a host of issues. The perception I had of myself was altered by that truth and denial wasn’t going to bring back any illusions I had been living in. It would have been so much easier if I had let the world and myself believe that I have had it all; only heaven. No one wants to be here because the truth can be painful to delve into especially when our actions are a problem. It is impossible to be or have only heaven without also being or having hell. People, places, things, substances, denials or BLAH cannot change nor hide the effects of actions. I remember an individual who once told me, after a very painful event, that “I could handle it”. He would ultimately be right but at the time I was fearful. That person had been angry with me but had refused to allow me to have any feelings about how his actions had affected me. When you do this I feel this because your actions matter but mine don’t. His words have stayed with me because of that justification and denial; not unlike an addict. We have the ability to lift up or destroy others, as well as ourselves, in something as simple as a moment. If that simple moment can result in an effect, then multiple ones can wreak havoc upon someone to the point that they become fractured because actions always matter.

So do you know who you are? How about your feelings about anything and everything? Are you courageous today or is fear holding your hand? Breathe in brave because it lives in you even when you feel that it doesn’t. Hell has taught me more about myself, what I feel and what I am capable of, then heaven or its appearance could ever do. It is helping me to find me because it is about embracing my whole; not just the parts that are easy or that I choose to acknowledge. It has shown me the most amazing and courageous people that I have come to know and learn from; especially those who are addicts and those who fight for them. Located within hell are all those little boxes of feelings that make us who we are because we really do have it all. You should be here. Yes, you should be here because it is where the green truth is seen for what it is. A dream is also a nightmare that holds beauty if you breathe in brave but not if you live in illusions. Take just one step towards being the solution to break your chains. You are the perfect person to love, hate, accept  and or change each part but never reject the parts of hell. They will not be denied being expressed from the inside to the outside today or tomorrow or in the future; sometimes in secret and sometimes very publicly.