The ability to change our thoughts and behaviors, the habits of them, can be formidable when we seek to acknowledge and transform the parts of ourselves that are in need of repair. At times the hell can be a place that we hate but it’s also the one where the feelings of safety can keep us from wanting to leave it; the known seems better than the unknown. I have a friend who spent many years battling a disease that had become the focus of everything in her life. While a treatment was eventually successful in ending the control of that disease, she still spent many more years feeling as if it was merely hiding in the shadows. She had become, during that time, use to being sick; which had then made being disease-free an uncomfortable, unknown place to just be for her. The more the yesterdays pass in a moment, a coping skill, a feeling, a behavior or even the BLAH, the more the familiarity becomes a haven for us; a normalcy. When a part of us becomes the sole focus or definer of us, it can be hard not to just continue with breathing it in; regardless of whether it is heaven or hell. There can also be moments where others affect our ability to move forth into change by repeating their normal coping behaviors; whether an addict or not. Just as my friend had found herself in the unfamiliar position of being healthy, both Ryan and I had become comfortable with addiction as the focus in our lives and thus sobriety was a strange place to be; no matter how much either of us had wanted it or not. Those emotional definitions, that encompass all that has happened, make us who we are. Also located within them though are the limitations that can keep each of us from treating all of our parts equally; no one can be a whole with missing or denied parts. What has been done in the yesterdays occurred through the knowledge that we had then but in today and the tomorrows, change requires growth from lessons learned; repeating behaviors will result in the consequence of the same outcome. Ashlee, through the lives of her father, brother, boyfriend and a multitude of other friends, has known as well as felt the pain that hell can bring. Substance abuse, in others as a coping tool, has been something of a constant in her life which has resulted in that normalcy becoming a familiar place to just be; despite it being detrimental to her wellbeing. The transformation that is necessary for each of us is not easily located but we will never be able to find the heaven by avoiding the hell. Beauty, the safety, the anything and the everything, the familiar or even the BLAH are in the heart of the beholder. Where have you been in your heart? How comfortable are you with just being in the part that you are? How about the one next to it? If your scared just say your scared because we all are at some point. Please stand by because you’ve got heavell; whether you want it or not.
To the family of my friend who is so much more than just an addict: Today is the same as yesterday and tomorrow holds no hope that it will be any different; so much time has passed into the safety of coping through the use of substances. At some point, lessons must be learned otherwise the outcome will continue to hold the identical results. Hell will never be that far away by having heavenly expectations while appearing to be illusions of perfection. Your loved one must want to deal with all that has been no matter how painful that may be for him or her as well as you; all those little boxes of feelings. If all the parts are not treated equally, he or she can never be whole; nor can any of you. The green truth is that your loved one is the only one who must change the behaviors. If you look, you will find you in the mirror. Your loved one has been living life in the manner that appears to provide the only acceptable place to be; so has everyone else by facilitating the normalcy of it. We lead angels to where they fall. We also help to keep them there. Even though what has been done cannot be undone, today is the chance to choose to do this differently. I am scared for all of you. A tree can bring down a forest just as a whole forest can lift up a tree. Every dream matters but your dream doesn’t know that he or she is important; as the holder of the anything and the everything as well as the BLAH. Come along fallen angel because you are a dream as well as a nightmare and so am I. Life has a no return policy because tomorrow is waiting; but only if you breathe in brave while holding the hands of courage as well as that of fear. If I were you, I would do this differently before time no longer allows the opportunity. It doesn’t really matter what I say but it does matter what you do with the knowledge of you. Are you ready to see you? Pick your own weeds while hoping your addict will follow your lead. Where have you been in your heart?
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