Through the words that we voice, we express our personal emotional definitions of love, hatred, indifference, negativity, fear, neutrality, inspiration and the acceptance of or lack of for ourselves as well as others. Those meaningful speeches have the power to destroy or lift up any and all that hear them through the emotional attachment that each of us feels when those words are said; out-loud or in our thoughts. In a past blog I wrote about monsters and victims where I stated that I was indeed a monster. Because of the emotional connection that one follower felt for the word monster, that person expressed that I had obviously been a victim who repeated my normal. Her definition of the word monster carried a much more horrific definition than my reference did. I am a monster because my anger got the best of me when I felt lost, desperate, overwhelmed and scared through the moments that were horrific for me. My voice is loud as well as strong and in my spoken word can seem almost like thunder. When my children played sports, the joke was, I could be located on any field because my voice rang out over everyone else’s. Imagine then the power that I have been able to exude when I have been angry. I felt unheard, even in myself, and that resulted in that passion of mine coming out in a way that created more harm than good. The essence of that was that I was not coping well; something that is hard to realize when you are in the throng of things. The discovery that my children, especially Ryan, were also not managing life’s challenges was shocking and devastating; just do as I say not as I do should have been enough to carry them through. The results was that I was a part of the fall off of that cliff while Ryan’s addiction was a part of the light being shown onto everyone; a tree can bring down a whole forest. I want you to know that I have absolutely hated and found beauty in the uncovering of my role on the circle of heavell in our lives. My intentions had always been to lead appropriately but my denial and justification were not conducive to fostering that. Coping is a learned behavior that in itself carries a heaven and hell; just surviving versus actually thriving. Our need to be perceived by others can become a part of the fracturing of ourselves. We then, can and do, make choices that result in the covering up of the pain and some of the parts while seeking a connection with anyone who understands those feelings. So what is in your words that you speak to yourself? To others? Does it contain the green truth, the real truth and or lies? Do you know how you feel about anything and everything? Have your emotional definitions been altered by a substance, people, things, being unheard or BLAH? Is that in your best interest? Are you able to hear how others feel about you without justifying or denying your actions? Without taking it into your heart? What if the biggest risk of all for addiction or even relapses isn’t even a substance?
We often believe what people say of others and at times about ourselves as if their spoken words see and express all. Those emotional attachments to the accounting of others connects to every moment we have felt something on the subject or a similar one. Recently a person felt the need to inform me of my failings in regards to a mutual person in both of our lives. The passion expressed by that individual was an attempt to make me aware but was also intended to shame me in a public setting. I am a believer that there is always something we can learn from the words of others so I contemplated what was the possible lesson. I did not however take into my heart the opinion of that person. In other words, I am a circle of heavell that I must love, hate, accept or change through myself and with the help of others. The individual being defended had implied, via actions and or words on a multitude of occasions, that I had failed to do or directly did something. Rather than take the time to ask me what was my role, the defender connected with the words of the wronged person and assumed the truth. If I had needed that intense person to believe me, I might have reacted with anger over the injustice that he unleashed on me. It is amazing how quickly emotional definitions can create situations where the thunder that is felt on the inside is expressed on the outside; not unlike addicts do with substances. Imagine how difficult and painful that scenario would have been if that situation had involved someone I loved and or I had taken it to heart. Unfortunately, in my previous passionate days, I have done the same thing on numerous occasions. Have you ever taken into your heart the words of another because they somehow connected with you? Did you believe the power of their words even if it was in conflict with yours? Perceptions are influenced by the circle of heavell found in each of us. What is hell for someone, or even heaven, can be downplayed or exaggerated by another because of those similar or dissimilar emotional definitions. Addicts and non-addicts are very much the same as they both seek the defense of and the validation of emotional definitions through people, places, things, substances or BLAH. The passionate person in this story believes what he or she believes. If that person had been interested in more than his or her own perception, I would have been listened to and not just spoken at. Each and every one of us deserves to be heard so I hope my silence that night brought the peace of that rather than the empowerment of thunder. What is in your words that you speak to yourself? To others? Do they carry the full circle of heavell or only the hell or only the heaven? One of the hardest parts of Ryan’s addiction has been dealing with the face of myself in the mirror. I have been hell, there is no denying that, but I have also been heaven. I am now leading us to handle life by owning all of my parts while breathing in brave. Being able to hear myself has opened up life to hear my children; allowing us to find beauty whether we are talking about the heaven or the hell in each of us. Healing has required bringing all of those parts to the front. It has involved the real truth of yesterday, the possibilities of tomorrow and the embracing of how we feel without the fear that someone else’s words are more powerful than our own; especially when it involves someone we love.
To those that I have expressed thunder to, I am sorry that I shut your voice down. Please keep speaking. To the defender, I admire your protection of your friend. To the wronged individual, I am truly hell…at times. To my children, you have my permission to express thunder to me if I ever shut down your voices again. I hope though, that your quietness will lead me to doing this better by hearing the powerful words hidden in your silence. I am the perfect person to love all of me because I know about every perfectly, irritatingly, messy part found within my personal circle of heavell as well as outside of it; denial does not remove any of them. The value of yesterday always being lays in the use of it as the foundation for today or perhaps even tomorrow. You are heaven and hell with beauty being discovered in both places but only if you speak the real truth. What’s in your words? I hope you are listening…to you because if the thunder is too loud inside of you, you will express it on the outside; sometimes in secret and sometimes very publicly.
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