Both an addict and a non-addict can and do experience a variety of moments that can leave them feeling as if they are hanging in mid-air; unable to move forward. The apple known as denial is a coping skill, a sometime friend, that each of us uses in order to delay the awareness that the real truth brings about ourselves as well as others. That procrastination walks with hope on the trail of our circles of heavell; keeping our desires alive. There is a separation, though, between the interpretation that tomorrow might be different, despite the same behaviors, and the reality that tomorrow will be different through the loving, hating, accepting or changing of every part of ourselves; whether an addict or not. Grief is another place to be, when we are in the hell of addiction or even life, that denial helps us to avoid. It is most often associated with the loss of physical life but the real truth is that we suffer those feelings through all sorts of moments; as felt in the heart of the beholder. While hope keeps us moving, even if in circles, it also can impede our ability to progress through the all that has been; as well as lost. Grief that is kept hidden in the shadows can prevent the transference of hurt into understanding. What if in a moment like this, you chose to do this in a manner that you have not done before by picking your own weeds; some of which are known as grief? What you hoped for can only be achieved by treating the heaven and the hell of you equally.
Ashlee has said that we often avoid the places or moments where the anything and the everything contain hurt, fear, anger and grief. Distress can appear to be an immobile place or even a weak state but it is an important part of transferring the knowledge of suffering into understanding and strength. I, myself, prefer my sometime warrior state, the heaven of me, rather than the “f” moments, the traumas and the BLAHS; even though the fighter in me was created from those adversities. The beauty of suffering is that while it is a part of the hell, it is also a part of what makes us whole; by helping to lift our heaven, our strengths, up. A long time addict friend has repeatedly expressed that he or she does not want to feel the pain and therefore never will. The substance abuse, a form of denial itself, has been a coping skill to avoid the hurt; but with each passing moment, it has actually weakened the abilities of the heavenly parts while strengthening the hell ones. The real truth is that the more we avoid the anything and the everything, through denial and or hiding, the more we are encouraging the hell to stay close; to become powerful despite our having heavenly expectations. What you hoped for can only be attained by walking, crying, feeling, suffering, hanging in mid-air, laying on the ground and eventually standing in your hell; never by being an illusion of perfection. What if in a moment like this, you chose to do it differently by grieving for what has been, what was lost and what will never be; and then stand up knowing that the heaven of you is not that far away?
Over the years, hope has fueled my determination to find my son who had fallen into the hell of addiction. Unbeknownst to myself though was the real truth that hope is actually the sometime friend of the apples known as denial, judgement and justification. As the moments have passed, I have realized that what I had hoped for was not the place to just be anymore; it was a part of what caused Ryan to fall. There has been suffering in me for what has been and lost as well as what will never be but along the way there has also been the discovery of beauty; found in the seeing of all of Ryan as well as myself. The yesterdays will always just be a part of us because what has been done cannot be undone no matter what we wish for. If we don’t go through the hell though, it is impossible to actually have heaven; because we have it all whether we want it or not. I am a dream as well as a nightmare and so is my son; because we are alike despite having different parts, “f” moments, the BLAH as well as beauty. How is what you hoped for working for you; whether an addict or not? Does it only contain heavenly desires? It may appear that hell opens the door to only suffering but it actually holds the mirror that allows us to see that we are a circle of heavell; its up to each of us which group we allow to speak the loudest on the inside. I’m not it because you are the perfect person to be the heavell keeper of your life. Treat both the heaven and the hell of you equally as they are friends who work together to weaken and strengthen you; whether you want them to or not. If your scared then just say you are because there’s no denying that every moment or BLAH has the ability to bring the adversity that will determine the success and or failure of ourselves; by interrupting our steps. Have hope but let it just be the desire that the weakness and the suffering of the yesterdays will be what creates the standing, the sometime warrior, of the tomorrows; by not repeating what has already been done and felt.
To the photo-bombers: What we think we see and feel is often only a part of the whole because it’s just not that simple. Thank you for showing that you are so much more than just people who stepped into a moment.
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