I wasn’t actually sleeping when I was awakened from my dream. It was almost midnight and I was up cleaning my house because we had all been sick with the flu and things were in a disarray. The phone rang. I thought it was my son calling to say he was spending the night away. The voice on the line wasn’t Ryan. It was a police officer and he informed me that my son had been arrested for drugs. He gave me the option of picking him up or they would take him to juvenile detention. Now I am a talker. My favorite description of myself is that I am long winded. I can’t tell you that anyone else appreciates that about me but it is who I am. I, however, was at a loss for words so I said the only words that I could, “I don’t know what to do”. Those were the words that were going through my mind. I just happen to say them out loud to this officer. What do you do when you never imagined that your dream was in actuality a nightmare and you have been falsely walking down the road called “We Are Fine”? The officer’s response to me was that I had 15 minutes to call him back to tell him what I was doing.
I stood in the same spot where I had answered the phone. I just stood there. My mind was in sensory overload and I could not get beyond the shock of hearing the words “your son has been arrested for drugs”. I was in full panic mode. I had done all the things that I had thought were the appropriate actions to prevent my child from becoming involved with drugs. He participated in sports. He had taken part in the drug prevention programs at his schools. I had talked about not using drugs. I was involved. How did we get to this point? When did he step off the road? I had to make a decision quickly and that is never an easy thing for me because I spend a lot of time assessing situations.
I called the officer back and told him I would come get Ryan. Maybe I shouldn’t have but that’s what I chose to do. Some would say that I was in denial or being naïve. Some judgers still say I am. Well who wouldn’t be? The only way not to be is to plan for your child to become an addict. That way you have the perfect actions and reactions. I hadn’t planned for this. All those steps that I had done kept replaying in my mind as I drove to pick him up. I questioned my skills at following directions for a successful, drug free child. Denial is a part of the process because reality is a kick in the gut. A dream turned into a nightmare. I often think of the words of a young man I know who says his son “will be fine”. Yeah I thought that too. So does every parent of a drug addict. Never ever assume your child will be fine because the reality is dreams can turn into nightmares while you are sleeping.
I am sure that I looked like a deer in the headlights when I finally arrived at the police sub-station. I felt like one. The officer that came out to meet me didn’t appear to take notice of my state. It is a part of their job to assess people but the emotional detachment and judgmental eyes left me feeling convicted before “my trial”. Ironically that would be the attitude I would encounter from many people including members of our family. Guilty until proven innocent for both of us. The bad ones. I had never imagined this fight for my child’s life and I had not perceived that the fight would be on for me too. Everyone had opinion. I wasn’t so powerful that I alone could prevent drug use, although I foolishly believed I could, and I also wasn’t so powerful that I alone was responsible for it occurring either. In actuality EVERYONE WAS IN DENIAL about their role and the reality was NO ONE knew what to do. There is no failing in not knowing but there is failing in not helping to figure it out. There is failing in judging. There is a balancing act in this nightmare and no matter what you know or don’t know, it takes time to understand it. TIME even though time is not your friend in this deal. There may be rules to follow but emotions are the rulers and those emotions changed constantly for me. This was by far the scariest and loneliest moment in my life. My oldest daughter who is Ryan’s only full sister stepped in to help me. Ashlee became my sole supporter in this. We had the same agenda together and that was to save Ryan despite himself and despite others.
On the drive home, my shock turned into what I can only relay as deranged behavior. I screamed. I cried. I pleaded. I threatened. I grieved. I screamed some more. I don’t really remember how my son appeared or how he reacted to my behavior, after all I was driving, but I do remember how I felt. I do remember the PAIN from the kick in the gut. Dealing with such an emotionally charged event was not a part of my mad skills in life. My son, of course, denied the seriousness of the situation and the seriousness of his drug use. DENIAL is the number one word in everyone’s vocabulary especially when there is conflict.
Several days later I had the opportunity to speak to a police officer about my son’s drug use and about the fact that I lacked the knowledge of how to handle this. He advised me to let my son go. I just stared at this man. He then informed me that that is what he had done with his child. He had let his daughter go. I knew in that moment that I never wanted to be so right in life that I would just let my child go. I was going to solve this despite the lack of support or the knowledge of how to do it. I was ready and determined to wage war. I was sure we would be fine. I was sure my son would be fine.
People have agendas. They have judgements. If you are judging then you are not solving or doing the work. You are a part of the problem. If you are being judged then you almost become immobile as you take a defensive position. Both the judgers and the judged are closed off. How can you play a game for your child’s life that includes everyone, known and unknown, that can result in the saving of or the death of that child? Where do you find the handbook for that? How can you deal with the emotion of that? How can you reconfigure when every ounce of you is under assault?
Due to the charges my son was facing, I had to hire a lawyer. I was fortunate to find a two person team. They were the first people to say “I’m sorry this is happening to you”. The first to say that. They advised me to get Ryan into an out-patient treatment program.
We picked a program and went for our intake interview…
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