Weeds #188

Weeds are things, moments and feelings that can be found anywhere but more importantly is how they live and breathe on the inside of us where they are especially unwanted. They compete for our attention against our flowers and can trick us into believing that they are all that we are by using our grief as a reminder of what has been done, lost and a failure. They are so strong that even just one can find it’s way through a closed door into the light so that it’s voice may be heard in our thoughts and then expressed in our behaviors as well as the words that we say. When we least expect them, a moment can remind us of what lives there, sending us backwards and further encouraging us to believe that we are exactly what those weeds appear to say we are. What’s not there, though, is the understanding that they, those weeds, hold the hope that we will keep them close not as confirmation of being impossible but as a part of our turning ourselves into something else. After all, within them is the unseen and unthought of definition, a different truth, that we have always needed to lean in to hear instead of listening to the pain that so easily exists in our hearts and minds. In any kind of life, the “f” moments, meandering and the BLAH are a part of our finding our own way as the individual definers of terms such as beauty, breathing, messes, brave and being home. Wanting just flowers, then, may be what we think we should have but because this is life in a so very heavell way, the people, places, things and feelings that we experience will hold all that can be found within them and around them just as we do. In other words, in a distorted field of view, others may appear to only have flowers or happiness but conflict or hell from their moments is never really that far away particularly in that place that can’t be seen from the outside. It’s what we do with those weeds that determines what we believe about ourselves and then what we share to the outside. It also effects whether we are home within ourselves or looking for that feeling through people, places or things such as substances. This doesn’t have to be perfect but it does have to be the all of you because what has already been can’t be undone nor can you just get over what’s breathing there. This weekend is the two year mark of the beginning of Ryan’s fall into that three week battle for his life. I remember every moment, thought and feeling from that time as if it were yesterday. Chaos doesn’t always bring out the best in us and our fear of the uncertainty can pound so loudly in our hearts that just the act of breathing can be a challenge that lasts well into the tomorrows. Since his death, I have experienced a lot of feelings that have made me uncomfortable which really has been very much like how I felt over the years of his addiction despite the different details. Along the way of both, I have had moments of bravery, strength, weakness, fear, sometime warrior actions, the discovery of superpowers and a whole lot of meandering while also falling in my words and actions. I was also in the position of hating every weed that has been a part of this journey, there’s my angry voice of fear, making it hard to find understanding for Ryan’s words of “be grateful for the lessons mom especially the tough ones” that came towards the end of his life. The thought of “what if” he had figured that out sooner instead of hating his weeds has hurt a lot in my heart but thinking and feeling that won’t change what has already been. It doesn’t really matter that he was the addict and that I was the mother trying to help him save himself because all of it is intertwined in our feeding of the hell but it does matter that those weeds eventually helped us to transform ourselves, bringing us home, even though it was a painful way to go through. So how are you feeling about the “f” moments in your life especially those dreaded ones? Are you feeling safe with you or do you need more time to stop feeding the hell that lives there? This starts with you so open that door and get comfortable with those weeds because wherever you go, they will follow so you might as well be who you are and transform them into the definition of what’s possible. Be kind, be loud and grab some tissues for those tears that live deep within you from what makes you laugh until your stomach hurts and of course your pain. Have the best day possible for you. Love Always, Heavell