Based upon the piece(s) that we perceive of, about ourselves as well as those of others, we believe we know who we are or who someone is; but that is a green truth. The real truth is that we are all so much more than the part(s) that we show on the outside of ourselves or that we view on the exterior of others. We can be and are fractured if all of our parts are not acknowledged; whether loved, hated, accepted or changed. For too many years, addicts have been treated as if they were nothing more than “f” moment individuals; despite the fact that addiction has never been a choice nor something that anyone would aspire to be. The same can be said then about anyone who has been defined solely by a heaven or hell part; as if it is all that that he or she is. The student who does not learn the same way as the other students can be labeled as difficult; affecting all of his or her school years. The athlete, celebrated only for his or her gift, can become lost when that identity has faded into the yesterdays for everyone else. The individual who is perceived of as being heaven in one area, such as a job or a relationship, can also be hell to other people, places, things or the BLAH. We can be and are so focused upon a part or some parts, as sole definers, that we are unable to see the full circle of heavell in the anything and the everything; a part can never equal a whole. We must treat all of ourselves, as well as the all of others, equally so that the heaven pieces can lift up the hell ones while the hell parts remind us that beauty can be found no matter where we are; through the lessons of change and or acceptance. What is in your words, that you say to yourself as well as others, denies, justifies and judges the parts that appear to be the definers, but we’ve got heavell; whether it’s seen or not or wanted or not. Tell me what you see when you look in the mirror so that I may know who you think you are versus who I think I see. Come along fallen angel because you are a dream as well as a nightmare and so am I.
Held within each of our little boxes of feelings are the “f” moments, the traumas, the laughter, the misunderstandings, the judgement, the heaven, as well as the BLAH that occurred in every one of those yesterdays; as well as what we perceived of them. Even if a box seems to be an illusion of perfection on the outside, what is located within it cannot be altered; it’s just not that simple. What has been done cannot be undone because it will always just be. Grace for ourselves is found within our ability to open those little boxes of feelings so that voice that each possesses can be heard. It can be hard, though, to allow our feelings to be expressed, especially when the person or people who need to hear it, can’t or don’t or won’t. The more we avoid those boxes, the more they will affect us on the inside and then be expressed on the outside; to the detriment of ourselves as well as others. Who is better to speak about you than you yourself? What if one of the causes of addiction wasn’t a substance at all but instead was all that has been; the perception of which is in the heart of the beholder? Having courage does not mean that there is an absence of fear so if your scared just say you are because we all are at some point. What we have done with the knowledge of ourselves is a part of how we came to be on this trail. Wherever we go in life, those little boxes of feelings will always follow us because they will always be ours to keep. No amount of substance use, being illusions of perfection, heavenly expectations or the BLAH will alter those pieces. The only way is to treat all of ourselves equally by looking in the mirror and giving voice to all that has been; the heaven as well as the hell. What are your emotional definitions that affect the words that you say and hear when speaking to yourself as well as to others? How do you feel about all that has been? Where have you been in your heart? Lend me your feelings and I will lend you mine so that we may understand each other but more importantly so that we may lift each other up; or find the beauty in hell.
I was a bystander to several exchanges between a mom and her teenage son yesterday. Each time the mother responded to her child, she did so with a loud, dramatic voice; as if she were on a stage and everyone around her was the audience. At one point she told her son to “PLEASE STOP WHINING!”. I had no idea what he had said, his words had been soft spoken, but her response left me wondering how he felt on the inside. Perhaps she was frustrated, in need of a little space in her life, but she seemed to miss the fact that her son was repeatedly trying to engage her in a conversation. I wondered if this teenager was aware that his mother was feeling something on the inside that she was expressing on the outside; that was about herself rather than him. Even though we may not mean to, our responses can and do lead angels to where they fall; as we do have the ability to lift up and or destroy others but especially our dreams. I hope that her son will not breathe her words or actions into his heart.
To Ashlee, Ryan and Taylor; as well as others: I am sorry if my words, my “f” moments, have affected you in a manner that left you feeling less than you should have. Each of those words or moments was a reflection of what was on the inside of me and unfortunately I expressed it on the outside; to the detriment of myself as well as others. I am sorry if you breathed them into your heart; that was never my intent. I cannot change what has been done but I can make sure that I do not repeat today or tomorrow what was in the yesterdays. If it’s wrong, then it’s wrong; regardless of the apples known as denial, justification and judgement. Thank you for challenging me to do this better and for helping me to look in the mirror.
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