I am a circle of heavell; a whole not a part. I am more than the mother of a drug addict. I am, today, a person who has suffered the greatest pain in the world…FOR ME. That pain is mine and mine alone. This is not a competition even though there are those who would make it one. You should be here is a green truth. My pain is no less than nor no greater than yours. I am also, today, the greatest human ever…FOR ME. What I have done, reacted to, survived and learned is how I became me. Those things over my life time make up my personal circle of heavell; my emotional definitions. There have been people who have affected my circle as I have theirs but individually we create heavell in ourselves. We look for the people who understand us and justify those choices. You are, today, the greatest and the most pained human in the world…FOR YOU. This is not a competition. You are a whole circle of heavell not merely one part. In illusions of perfection, it easy to ignore or hide that hell is in each of us. In the world of addiction it is easy to be consumed by that hell, believing it is the only part of us. Green truths allow us to justify everything while the mirror knows the real truth. If we focus on, acknowledge only, one part as the definer of who we are, we are losing all the other parts that carry the heaven and the hell that makes us who we are today. I have made many mistakes. I have failed to learn or move forth by denying the whole of me. If I pick or share only the great things about me, I am not a whole. If I pick or share only the bad things about me, I am not a whole. If I embrace the good and the bad, the mistakes and the lessons learned, the wins and the losses, I am then whole. Every day is a chance for me to see what is right and what is wrong by working to accept or change each and every part. Mistakes matter not unless we continue to repeat them by justifying. Don’t listen to the snake in your personal circle and the greater circle of your life. He wants you to pick only one part. He does not want you to be whole. By behaving today as we did yesterday as we will tomorrow, we will continue to create unhappily ever after people. I am reminded by my new friend who is a dream but once was a nightmare, that our mistakes are often public, which is so damaging. Yes I have been publically humiliated by my behaviors as well as the behaviors of others. It is incredibly painful when people know that we and our lives are not perfect. It is even more painful when people use our pain to justify their behavior or we use our pain as justification. The real truth is that we are all perfectly, irritatingly, messy people although some of us make it easier for others to appear to be good; addicts and non-addicts are really the same. My words are: If you cannot accept me on my worse day then you cannot have me on my best day because I am a whole and not a part. How can we move forth or even love when we hide the truth about ourselves so that we are not judged? How can we ask others to not judge us when we judge ourselves and others too? Treat yourself as you would have others treat you because it starts with you and then moves out; reap what you sow. I am a dream, a nightmare, the most pained and the greatest human…FOR ME. If you are looking for others to understand and accept you, you are choosing only a part of you. We lead ourselves to where we fall or stand by our acceptance of own personal heavell. Ashlee once told me that she felt I was embarrassed by Ryan’s drug addiction. At the beginning of it, I talked and thought about it constantly as I searched for help and understanding. What I encountered was a lot judgement from the non-believers. Judgement is the friend of the snake and prevents those who do the judging from looking in their own mirror. In response to that I did hide that part. Embarrassment was a natural reaction for having been exposed as being an illusion of perfection in the world of green truths. Eventually I came to the realization that I could either continue to hide, now you see me now you don’t, or I could stand. That does not mean that I am able to stand every day nor that I share my story with every single person I meet. It does however mean that I am, today, the greatest human…FOR ME…which includes all of those mistakes and all of my successes. Tomorrow is waiting to see what truth we will tell and accept in ourselves despite the heavenly expectations of others and the non-believers.
Now you see me now you don’t. To the non-believers. The mirror sees you. The real truths. You should NOT be here. I am a dream and a nightmare. I am a circle of heavell. The heart knows fear but I am standing. Once upon a dream. The valley of the fallen angels. When you breathe I breathe. Just like you. Little boxes of feelings. You are your guide out of hell because you led yourself there. A tree brought down a whole forest. This is for me and for you because we all fall down.
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