The memories of what had been made it hard to accept what had become or to even fully engage in reality. I remember my son when he was the athlete and the good student as well as the defender of the underdog. Once a young woman, who went to school with Ryan, asked him “where is the Ryan I know” when she saw him doing drugs at a party. He responded that that person was gone and that she should leave him alone. He told me that she was crying as she walked away. Her memories of Ryan as well as mine have been both heaven and hell as neither of us could forget the Ryan we had known nor accept the Ryan that was now before us. Our moments and experiences in life create who we are, giving each of us our personal emotional definitions, and as such must be accepted as the parts of us but not the sole definer of us. Addicts focus on their parts of hell while non-addicts’ attention is on their parts of heaven. We fracture when we fail to acknowledge all of it while living only some of it regardless of whether it is solely heaven or solely hell. Both Ashlee and Ryan have stated that their recollections of themselves begins around the age of eleven or so. How is it possible that the previous years are missing? When there is hell in memories, many of the other events surrounding it are also lost. Addicts and non-addicts all use denial in order to not remember or relive painful things as well as not be accountable because sometimes our very survival depends on it. I think of the non-believers who failed to recognize my denial as a coping skill but I also think of my denial as having been a hinderance to my children and myself. When I look back on those years, I can see where I failed to cope well with a lot of things. What is done cannot be undone but by behaving today as we did yesterday as we will continue tomorrow, we are ensuring the continued fracturing of ourselves as well as others. Denial has helped me to survive my hell very much like substance abuse helps addicts survive theirs. It has however also prevented my moving forth just as it has prevented addicts from doing so. Now that I am standing, I am willing to look in the mirror and deal with each and every part. To do so otherwise would allow only some of the parts to be acknowledged; just as we had done in the illusions of perfection life we use to live in. Ryan’s addiction brought the awareness that we are wholes that are made up of so many things that should be loved or hated, accepted or changed but never hidden. I am so very grateful for the lessons that he as well as his sisters have taught me. Over time I am becoming a whole person while holding their hands in our lives of heavell. Through the adversity, the traumas and the celebrations in our lives, there is an understanding of how we became who we are. Those things, if used as an excuse, lead to the justification of behaviors than can and do destroy ourselves as well as others. They also create an inability to move forth regardless of whether the memory is of hell or heaven. Unhappy people alter their state of being through a substance, a person, a place or a thing but happy people don’t. I am not responsible for Ryan’s drug use nor my ex-husband’s use nor anyone else’s choices. I am responsible, however, for my part, my actions and reactions in life, that effected them. I am a circle of heavell that effects everyone else’s circle of heavell as are they. We all fall down, we all deny, we all justify and in the end we are all fractured which means we are all open to hell; some of us just make it easier for others to appear to be good.
Illusions of perfection. To the non-believers. Here a lie, there a lie, everywhere there are lies. Dreams can become nightmares whether they are addicts or not. Just to be remembered. A tree and a forest. Heavenly expectations are a green truth. Hide and Seek. The snake and the apples keep you fractured. Accept or change your circle of heavell. When you breathe, I breathe. Chains that bind us to hell can be broken. Courage and fear walk hand in hand. The remedy is in your whole not mine. How do you feel about denial? How do you think I feel about it?
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