We often can be found waiting for others to change into what we want, need or believe they should be; whether an addict or not. It can be a lonely and painful place to just be in because, no matter what we hope for, the act of becoming different can only occur when others choose to do so; by looking into the mirror and discovering their heavell for themselves. Both Ryan and I have been in that place many times over the years while standing on opposite sides as a parent and a child and as an addict and a non-addict; or even as people who have seen and felt different things. Imagine, if you will, that you and your family are standing in a circle. Your view from your position determines your perspective of the anything and the everything of the all that has been. That frame of reference of yours, while important, is only one part of the whole; that also includes different and or similar opinions from the other parts. The weight of and the perspective of those moments are then determined by the emotional definitions that are found in the heart of each beholder; who are standing on that circle. If a person is expressing, on the outside what is on the inside, through substance abuse or the BLAH, that individual’s perception is a key piece of how the hell came to be; for that part on the circle. Throughout the yesterdays I had assumed, or perhaps even expected, that Ryan, Ashlee and Taylor would accept my view as the one that spoke the real truth; it was for me but not necessarily for any of them. They had not aspired to have or to hold addiction in their life just as they had not dreamed of seeing and feeling life through my perceptions; nor the opinions of anyone other than themselves. What is in the words that you say to yourself; as well as to others? What if in a moment like this you were to say “I am sorry” to yourself for not believing that your feelings are an important part of the whole; both the one on the inside of yourself as well as the one on the outside? What if you were to acknowledge the value of the emotional definitions of others; for giving you the opportunity to see another view of yourself and them? It’s up to you if you will keep waiting right where you are or if you will breathe in brave and step forward on the trail in your heavell; even if you are scared or the only one who does it.
I realized some time ago that I knew the dictionary definition of the word change but that I didn’t actually know what it meant to me; how it felt on the inside. I had adapted to many moments over the years, sometimes well and at other times not, but I couldn’t really say that I had ever worked at changing me; believing that it wasn’t necessary for me to do so. In the yesterdays, Ryan and I continued to repeat the same behaviors day after day, achieving the same outcome every time, despite the hope that each day would be different. I had wanted Ryan to do the anything and the everything that he could in order to be okay. I wasn’t able to perceive, however, what that would mean for him; especially on the inside. It simply isn’t enough to expect someone to just stop doing something; when the reasons why they have been are hidden in the shadows. What I did know was that, in order to understand the necessary transformation, I should not ask him to do something that I wasn’t willing to do myself; the all that I could so that I would be okay. That was the beginning of the discovery of how to save a part with the help of other parts; on the inside as well as the outside. It also brought the real truth that while I do convey heaven, I also bring hell; whether I have meant to do so or not. Ryan and I really were very much alike; and as such I had the ability to lead him to choose to change through my evolving. It has been, and still is, a long, arduous trail that has included triumphs as well as falls; it is a place to step forward or to walk in circles. I have had to learn to listen to what Ryan, and his sisters, have felt through the all that has been in the yesterdays. I have had to hear their truth, as it carried the weight of the world for them, without breathing it into my heart. I have also had to learn to speak about what I need and what I can or cannot do; simply without the complications of justification. My behaviors are within my control and I am the only one who can take responsibility for them; as it is for each of us. We feed the hell when we hold others accountable for our choices even though there is an understanding of the influence that others can and do bring; lifting up and or destroying us. While I cannot undo what has been done, I can choose to do this differently today and into the tomorrows; being aware of the heavell that is within my control. The “f” moments, hell, trauma, pain or even the BLAH are not things that anyone ever dreams of having or holding but they happen every day; sometimes in secret and at other times very publicly. So what? They are parts of us but they can never be the whole of us; unless we allow a part or some parts to be all that is seen and felt. Addiction started as a terrible and lonely place to just be but it has evolved into a super power; allowing me, as well as my children, to be circles of heavell rather than illusions of perfection. Who or what are you waiting for? Why not be the change that you believe others need to be? Please stand by because you have the gift to choose what you continue to repeat or what you transform; one part at a time.
Recent Comments