The snake is laughing because he whispered and the apple was eaten. He has claimed another victim. He finds his power through not only devaluing others but by replacing their emotional definitions with his own. He thrives on all pain. He celebrates the suffering because it makes people vulnerable whether an addict or not. Who is the snake? Anyone or anything that encourages running from despair or judges you while lacking accountability or decides for you what you deserve or how you feel or blah. Every day we encounter snakes. Every day those snakes create more victims. We all listen to and believe a snake as he tells us who we are and what we deserve. The green truth is that addicts are the messy people. The real truth is that we are all messy people. Behaving today as we did yesterday as we will tomorrow is exactly why we are here. Justifying it by solely looking at addicts only empowers the snake more.
The night had passed. Ryan was still alive. Still on the ventilator. Still sleeping with his eyes slightly open. His room was quiet with the exception of the machines that were monitoring his vitals, feeding him and most importantly breathing for him. As I stood there it reminded me of when I had watched him sleep as a baby. He wasn’t a little boy any more though. I wasn’t able to rock it away or put a band aid on it and he wasn’t fine. The trauma had made me a victim. My anger, my pain had made me a monster but I kept that hidden because Ashlee and Taylor had needed me to be strong. Traumas cannot be unseen nor unfelt. If not dealt with appropriately, they lead to a failure to cope well in life. They lead to failing to hear and believe ourselves over other people such as those that appear to be good.
My ex had spent some of his time praying in that chapel on the floor just above the ICU. He also had spent time talking to a few of his doctor friends, getting their advice on how to help Ryan. He would then wait for Ryan’s doctors to tell them what his friends had said. He was constantly talking to the nurses and advising them. His behavior had irritated some of them. They however did not realize what it had meant to be a father whose son was alive because of a machine. Despite the desperation in him, he was using every ounce of courage and strength he had to ensure that Ryan would wake up and breathe on his own.
While it was not said, there was an air of judgement by those that were taking care of Ryan, by family, and others. After all it had not be an accident. It had been a choice. What choices, though, had been made for Ryan that had lead him to choose to run from his pain? Where was the judgement of every single person involved in that then or even now? He wasn’t just some spoilt kid having a tantrum. He was not someone who had a happy life and then decided to blow it up one day. Happy people don’t alter their state of being but unhappy people do. Not knowing or realizing that is an understanding of how we got here. It is however NOT an excuse to not bring every ounce of courage and strength that we have to fight for our loved ones even if it means looking in the mirror at ourselves. A father who was an addict taught me that.
All pain, regardless of its inception, requires comfort for those who are suffering from it. We do not get to pick and choose who or what we support. We do not get to decide what trauma is or how people handle it in life. That judgement is the friend of the snake. It leads to many, many apples being eaten. Some of which culminate into dreams that turn into nightmares or even death. Judgement is an excuse to not be accountable and never leads to seeing the full circle where solutions are found. Pain can and does lead people to alter their state of being. Addiction then turns them into monsters and creates more victims through family and friends or even outsiders. Just because it has been done does not make it right nor does it justify repeating it. Heavell is where the green truth and the real truth collide.
When a tree falls it is because of the whole forest. Do as I say not as I do makes me a liar. It makes you one too. Everyone enables. The poster child won’t wake today and that is bad. I am a mother of an addict and I deserve compassion. So does he. The snake is still whispering his lies…why do you listen? I am setting the monster free. You can run but you can’t hide. The mirror knows the real truth and SO DO I.
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