One of the things that I have hated and learned to love about Ryan’s addiction is the truth that came from it. Not the green truth that we had believed was our lives but the real truth. No matter how hard I tried to justify every one of my words or actions/reactions, the mirror just kept getting bigger until I fell silent. Everything I have done or said was meant to teach my children things and to raise them up. Through all of this I had not realized that I was implying the need for perfection from them while excusing my short comings. We always want more for our children all the while sharing our normalcy with them. If it is not perfect for us then how can it be perfect for them? If we are not perfect then why do we expect them to be? When we don’t know how to achieve it or believe that things are the achievement, we create illusions of perfection that in reality will never make us feel better. The world is filled with unhappy people who alter their state of being either with drugs or alcohol or things or people because just like addiction, unhappiness does not discriminate. Everything happens for a reason even though those reasons are not always clear. If everyone on our circle of heavell had done this right, we would not be here. Because we didn’t, Ryan jumped into the valley of the fallen angels while we were left with a giant mirror to look at. I cannot undo what has been done but I can hear my children’s truth. Do you want to know the truth? Can you hear it without justifying or denying your actions/reactions, or words? The fallen angels have been speaking for a long time. Who is listening? We all want to know that our feelings matter but children especially need to know that. The common thing that I hear from addicts is how they never could do life well enough for their families; it was never enough to just be themselves. The pressures of perfection or rather the illusions of perfection led to a lot of emotional pain. I am guilty of doing this to my own children with words/actions that implied they needed to achieve this or look this way or behave that way. I would never allow someone to tell me who I am so why would I do that to my children? The problem is that it meant them being who I wanted them to be and not who they needed to discover that they were. My children, especially Ryan, did not fail me. I failed them with my inability to see, hear and learn. I have been an illusion of perfection as has everyone else but addicts make it easy for some of us to appear to be good regardless of whether or not our hearts were in the right place.
There is a young man that Ashlee spends time working with. He is a lost angel who is dangerously close to being lost in the valley of the fallen angels forever. He has stated that in his family he is the outcast. Perhaps his circle of heavell does not feel that way about him but in his life he has developed the belief that he is; by their words and actions/reactions. I wish I could say that he is a rarity but he is not. He, as well as too many to count, express this as their position in the family. Ryan knows how this young man feels because Ryan believes he is the outcast in our family. He felt that way long before he became an addict. How is it possible that both of these young men have very similar feelings while living completely different lives from completely different backgrounds? There is nothing worse than being alone in a room full of people; especially when the people are your family. Unhappiness does not discriminate as it binds together in a group those who are lost in their pain. Children learn to believe in themselves as well as how to cope by the adults in their lives. These are not things we are born knowing how to do; they are learned behaviors. Do not justify, deny, lie, fail to listen, see and learn if you do not want your children to do those things. At some point our children stop hearing us and begin to listen to other children who feel as they do. We taught them that. We led them there by behaving today as we did yesterday as we will tomorrow all the while expecting them to listen even though we don’t. Ashlee talks with this young man using those painful lessons that she learned from Ryan. She is leading this young man away from hell by helping him to learn what his feelings are; the discovery of the value of his personal emotional definitions. Everything happens for a reason even if those reasons are not clear. Have you ever felt or do you now feel as if you are a disappointment to someone? How did or does that feel? Are you sharing that on your circle? Not being heard or seen leads us to find the group that does understand us. No one knows if they will become an addict until they try something and find the relief that is needed. Drugs or alcohol or things or people are not the problem but they are far easier to blame than it is to look in the mirror. Happy people do not alter their state of being but unhappy people do, sometimes in secret. I am in the group Parents of Drug Addicts; it is only one part of me. I am a circle of heavell as is everyone else. It means that I am heaven in some ways and hell in others. The test of addiction brings to light the real truth. We can all do this better by doing as we say. Treat others, especially your children, as you would have them treat you otherwise we will continue to reap what we have sown; unhappily ever after people. Its not about not having expectations. It is, however, about not having illusions of perfection. The greatest teachers in my life have been my children because my mistakes opened the door to hell and I needed their help to find a way out. I cannot tell you that you should be here nor can anyone else. You are your guide out of hell but you will need to listen, feel and see yourself, your addict, as well as everyone else on your circle of heavell. Disappointment in others is the friend of the snake and leads to his other friends, denial and justification. Don’t listen and don’t bite those apples because the cost is every soul on your circle of heavell.
To the fallen angel from years past. Thank you for letting Heavell know that you are standing. What is done cannot be undone but the future holds possibilities because every dream matters. We are all perfectly, irritatingly, messy people with heavenly expectations while living in illusions of perfection. You are not defined by one part, addiction, but are defined as a whole. Be a circle of heavell that sees, hears and learns. You are your guide out of hell. Breathe and step forward leaving hell behind.
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