The things that exist in a material form provide us with the ability to easily perceive of them; viewing the heaven, the hell or the beauty that we each believe to be located there. What is not as easily known are the things that we feel on the inside; even if we express them on the outside of ourselves through our behaviors and our words. Can you describe three things that you love about yourself; whether an addict or not? Are there any parts of yourself that you are willing to accept; because they can’t be changed? In this perfect moment, how and what you see of those things holds the ability to lift yourself up because you are the perfect person to do so; to see the beauty in you. It is possible to be vulnerable while being strong, courageous and fearful at the same time as well as a sometime warrior who is a mess. When the darkness or the hell seems to be the strongest part of you, remember that you are a circle of heavell; and breathe. So what if you have “f” moments or are an addict? What else are you; because you have always been so much more than just the sum of that part? Today I made a new friend who has two years of sobriety. He referred to himself as a retired professional rather than the standard statement of being an addict in recovery; having been an expert in drinking. Within you are all the pieces, things, moments and even the BLAH that you need; as the heavell keeper of your life. In order to see and be the essential you, you must find what is on the inside; rather than what is on the outside of you. In everything that we do, whether an addict or not, we bring all of ourselves with us wherever we go; even when we fall. A part or some parts may be what is the strongest but the other pieces each have a voice too; able to lift us if we use them to do so. What if in this perfect moment you were to see more than just the hell? What if you were to take the hand of fear and that of courage and breathe in brave? I will just wait right here while you look in the mirror at the perfect person; to love, hate, accept and change every part of you but never to deny the heaven nor the hell. No one aspires to become an addict but it happens everyday; sometimes in secret and sometimes very publicly but always painfully. Get loud in the all of you. Laugh and cry while learning to understand what it has taken to cause you to fall; and then at what it will take for you to go through as only you can. I believe in all of you but it matters more that you are able to see that about yourself.
At the beginning of this year, I wrote about the HugTrain and it’s founder Arie. Each year, he or another HugMaster come from Canada and ride the Amtrak around the United States in order to promote free hugs; as well as mental health. They do this especially over the holidays as it is one of the strongest parts of the year in which people fall; whether from addiction, the pain or even the BLAH. Arie is a sometime warrior who is strong while being vulnerable; as well as courageous and fearful. He reminded me of the value of my ex-father-in-law’s hug; given to me as Ryan lay on a ventilator after over-dosing at the age of 18 many years ago. Charlie died last year in November but how I wish he had been there to give me a hug this past May when Ryan died; his hugs lifted the weight of the world even if only for a moment. Each year HugTrain chooses someone to honor as they make their way across the United States. The honoree of their eleventh ride is Ryan; representing addiction, mental health and as a giver of hugs that lifted the weight of the world. Anton is this year’s HugMaster and he begins his tour on December 22, 2019; leaving Montreal and heading to Schenectady, NY. He will be traveling for a month throughout many of our states; you can find the schedule on either their Facebook page @HugTrain or their Instagram page @HugTrainUSA. I hope you will meet Anton and get a hug in a city near you; or get and give hugs yourself. If you are able to, please donate to their non-profit as they rely upon those donations in order to travel. Thank you HugTrain and Arie, as well as Anton, for being able to see the hell; and thus being a part of the heaven.
I told that new friend of mine and Arie that I am a better person for the addiction that has been a part of my life. The pain of it brought the hell but it has also helped me to see more than just some of the parts of myself, my children and others. Addiction may have destroyed us for a matter of time but it also became a superpower that has brought the beauty of being a circle of heavell. Hell will never be that far away but through you, as an essential part, you can be a sometime warrior who is a mess; breathing in brave while holding the hands of courage and that of fear. If your scared just say you are; because we all are at some point. See you soon. Love, Heavell.
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