To Have and To Hold #96

The hell, whether the results of ourselves, others, a combination of both or the BLAH, belongs to each of us; just as the same can be said about the heaven. No one aspires to be it, have it or to keep holding it but it lives and breathes on the inside; as well as the outside of us. Our sense of worth knows our hell parts well; perhaps at times even better than the heaven ones. In the beginning years of Ryan’s addiction, I was determined to “hand” him, or remind him of, the value of himself; also known as the heaven. If we are lost, walking in circles, then surely we can be found by looking towards the moments, the people, places, things and the BLAH that are good; but that is a green truth. The perceptions of the anything and the everything moments lie in the heart of each beholder; at times carrying the weight of the world for some. The truth of all that has been, regardless of being real or green, is determined by the emotional definitions of each person; no matter what anyone else thinks, sees or feels. So rather than actually helping Ryan find within himself the heaven parts to help lift up his hell ones, I was attempting to get him to accept my recognition of him; as the only truth that mattered. My perception of him, however, came from being his mother rather than from actually being him: and as such did not carry an equivalent or better value despite my belief that it did. Ryan’s assessment of himself, his real truth, had been created by all of us on his circle of heavell. It was then interpreted on the inside and expressed on the outside of him; to the detriment of himself. We often look outside of ourselves for the group or even the substance that connects to what is the loudest on the inside of us; which is most often a hell or negative part. As the heavell keepers of our lives, it is up to each of us to determine what we do with the energy of all the moments and the feelings that result from them; lifting up or destroying along the trail. The mirror is not a place that anyone wants to see their reflection but it is the place where the power of understanding ourselves as well as others can be found; the real truth. The apples known as denial and justification do not remove that truth but they can and do push it farther into the shadows; feeding the hell while stifling the heaven. All that has been in the yesterdays, as well as today, and what will be in the tomorrows, is ours to have and to hold; whether or not they are the things that we had hoped for or wanted. It is easy for only some of our parts to be seen, felt and or believed; however it has never been that simple as it pertains to the circles of heavell that we are. What if in a moment like this you were to do this differently by listening to the hell in or about you or someone else; no matter how painful it is for you and or that person? What if you looked back and saw that addiction is a super power that can and does create sometime warriors; whether you are an addict or not? We are all well aware of the hell of substance abuse but the beauty of it, or the heaven, lives in our ability to love, hate, accept or change every part that needs to be; as shown to us by that hell. Are you ready to see as well as be seen?

It took several years for me to realize that the power of hell, also known as pain, fear, anger, “f” moments and the BLAH, is fed by not acknowledging all that has been; whether in myself or in others. By failing to discern that, I, as well as Ryan, Ashlee and Taylor, continued to walk in our circles while expecting a different outcome; despite having the same behaviors. Taylor, who is a graduate student, recently worked with a family who, like all families, has hell within its parts. At one point, one of the parents asked her what he or she needed to do next; with the expectation that Taylor would just say what the steps were. True to her though, she advised that parent to turn to his or her child and ask what that person needed; as the heavell keeper of all that has been in his or her heart. Can you imagine the surprised look on the face of that parent? Unfortunately that child was not in the place at that time to express his or needs to the parent; as fear can create doubt even when someone does or tries to do the right thing. It was, however, the beginning of being aware of the value of learning to speak and or to listen to those within our circles; whether a parent or a child. One of the hardest lessons, but certainly the most beautiful one, that I had to grasp was asking the person before me what he or she was in need of; as well as learning to do that for myself. Who better to speak than the one who has a part on the inside that needs to be dealt with? It is possible to help someone find their value, even their will to do this differently, by listening as they express their pain and or needs; because neither life nor anyone has ever been just heaven. What is in the words that you say to yourself as well as to others? Do you feed the hell by breathing them into your heart; making it impossible to speak, to listen and to learn? Before Ryan died but during the ups and the downs of his illness, there was a day when Ashlee was so overwhelmed with emotions that she unleashed a verbal hell upon me. My initial thought was “Are you kidding me? In case you haven’t noticed, I am going through this as well.” Hell will never ask if we are ready, if we want it or even if we can handle it; because it is the teacher of lessons and the creator of strength. Her words, filled with the powerlessness that she was feeling, were expressed through anger; as the loudest part on the inside, the pain, that needed to be heard. Her sometime warrior status had flown into the shadows that day while the scared little girl in her, once again, rode the rollercoaster of emotions; found only in hell. Ryan and his addiction, as well as Ashlee and Taylor, challenged me to do this in a manner that I had never done before; for them and for myself. One more part of his sobriety, the adaptation in us, came in the form of not placing anyone’s thoughts, feelings, pain, “f”moments or the BLAH over, under, or near anyone else’s. The win or the victory has been in diminishing the power of hell by letting each of those things be important as they pertain to the individual; changing what we are able to and accepting what we cannot alter. What has been done cannot be undone but it need not be repeated in the tomorrows; by any of us. This does not mean, however, that in every moment since that discovery, that I nor they have done this perfectly; but we continue to work at it. Acknowledging the differing emotional definitions between myself and my children has allowed each of us to be sometime warriors, fallen angels, “f” moment makers, alright, scared, speakers and listeners but most importantly the heavell keepers of our own lives; being strong or not, individually and together but never as illusions of perfection. What if a part of the cure of addiction lies in the value of the real truth from every person or part on your circle? In using that knowledge to discover the beauty found no matter where you are; regardless of being an addict or not? As you have been and as you will be, the art of living in heavell has always been yours to have and to hold; whether you want to or not.