It has never ever been said that someone is excited about or looking forward to the hell in life; oh hell yeah! In fact the very aspect of it elicits fear, surprise, denial and pain; which can all be expressed in the form of anger. As it is though, it is a part of a life that is so very heavell. How we deal with the all that has been, or can be, determines how long we will stay there. One part of the whole, or one tree in the forest, can cause a fall into the place that no one aspires to be in; whether an addict or not. The beauty that is located in the shadows of hell is the creation of discovery and change; as well as the sometime warriors. The moments are ours, alone, to have and to hold; learning to be all right no matter where we are. Being in that place is not the same as viewing it from the outside. Even if it seems to be familiar, what makes it different is the individual who has found his or herself there. That person’s parts, moments, feelings and even the BLAH have come together in a distinctive manner; regardless of the similarities to anyone else. Each of us has been tasked with waiting, stepping forward, falling and walking in circles on our trails. Through all of the different perspectives that are available to us, we can view more than what is easily seen from our own positions; helping ourselves and others. What is your perception of this so very heavell life? What feelings have you chained to your words? What if in a moment like this, you were ready to be all right even with fallen parts; whether an addict or not? Here’s to the hope that we will see through you and you will see through us; in ways that lift all of us up to do this better.
I spent some time talking with someone who was feeling overwhelmed by the hell in his life; he is not an addict. He alternated between his feelings carrying the weight of the world and not being of any consequence. Can you understand his behavior? Do you believe that your feelings are significant or not? This person is aware of the greatest hell that has occurred in my life; and that a part of me is still there. As he spoke, he also continually attempted to tell me that his pain did not equal mine. It is amazing how we really can be very much alike when we find ourselves in the place that requires us to feel what is unfamiliar and uncomfortable; and unwanted. However this life is not a comparison especially as it pertains to pain and the dealing with it; because it’s all different on the inside of different people. What does matter, though, is how you feel because your weight of the world has the ability to cause you to fall; just as mine is able to do the same for me. Ryan, for years, did everything he could in order to use drugs and I did all that I could to try and stop him; because lies, denial and tricks aren’t just for drugs. Each day we behaved in the same manner as we had in the yesterdays; while always expecting a different outcome. It was a matter of time before we were able to make it more about us and less about the substances. Change has never ever been that easy and it often takes one little step and one big fall at a time; whether an addict or not. Be in the moment when you are happy but also be there when you are scared; dare to feel it all. Accept that it isn’t always possible to handle life well; to prevent the “f” moments. See you and change what needs to be through the transference of pain and anger into the understanding of yourself; as well as others. Be loud, be amazed and be brave because you are the only one who can through you; as the heavell keeper of your life. I am me and you are you; and we have never ever been all or nothing. Find what you love; in you. Here’s to the hope that we won’t continue to feed the hell; one weed and one flower at a time.
To Ashlee as well as Ryan’s squad: You see through Ryan and he continues to see through you. Thank you for representing Heavell in the NAMI Mental Health walk in New Orleans. See you soon.
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