When I found out that Ryan was using drugs at the age of 17, I felt an incredible amount of fear that continued to hold my hand wherever I went; even when I was sleeping. As the years passed with his on again off again addiction, the intensity of that fear remained with me but I expressed it most often in the form of anger. It was the kind of distress that made it difficult for me to catch my breath or to slow down my pounding heart and racing mind on a daily basis. It was the loudest and yet loneliest place to be and I felt trapped. I was enduring being on a rollercoaster that would never ever let me get off and the irony was that Ryan’s addiction was just like that as well for him. After all controversary, or the hell, has a way of turning us inside out while also immobilizing us with the painful belief that falling means we are weak especially if it happens again and again. When we are in that kind of suffering and place of vulnerability, we often do not know where to turn for assistance. Join that with our apprehension of negative reactions to our request for support as well as the exposure of our “f” moments and walking in circles becomes a place of certainty. The fact and the opinion then is that it becomes easier and simpler with every given moment to stay and believe in that cycle even when we don’t want to or hate it. Whether an addict or not, comfort can be found in being with those who understand us but in that place we will also discover that some, our parts and those of others, will feed the hell while encouraging us to stay in that place for far too long. The belief that we are impossible and weak if we need help is a green truth while the real truth has always been that those things are actually the step before becoming this strong or in other words recognizing that at times all of us will require assistance in order to move forward. It also means that when others can’t it is because of the place they are at and we, in our matter of time, must try again and again for ourselves. This is you and this is me. We are different and yet we are just alike. We are this strong but the emotional definitions of others can have us believing that to have courage we can never ever be fearful or lost and that weeds are the definer of the whole even when flowers are present as well. Live through your words because what you have chained to them holds the causes of your falls but they also carry the ability to be I’m possible even in what appears to be the most impossible cycles. What you say to yourself is the strongest you will ever be whether you are destroying or lifting yourself up through them. Either way, I am going to wait right here with those tissues until you are ready to say what support means to you and then what are you willing to do in order to be that help while also accepting it from others. There is plenty of room in this so very heavell life to strive and struggle but each trail only holds enough space for ourselves and what we carry so you might as well be the perfect person to go through one step and one emotional definition at a time in order to be this strong.
Heavell will be sharing it’s first podcast tomorrow on Friday, October 30, 2020 as a tribute to Ryan (1988-2019) whose life taught us there is an art to living in heaven and hell as well as the power of words and their emotional definitions. Thank you for taking the time to listen to it and we hope you will join us in saying “Here’s to you Ryan and your so very heavell life”.
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