Life is not a progression of successes but rather a series of moments filled with spaces, shapes and emotions where there is an expectation that we will move forward regardless of any areas that weigh us down and prevent the growth that we are seeking.
But being close to what did and didn’t happen keeps us living in all that we have lost and the reasons why we can’t believe in ourselves, enhancing our clinging to past places and feelings of unhappiness.
After all, our suffering surely is an indication that there is something wrong with us and yet life not going as we had hoped isn’t the evidence of failure just as having achievements isn’t proof that we are at home within ourselves.
Five years ago on May 31, my son, Ryan, lost his life after complications from a three week battle to survive an illness.
Even with the passage of time and being muddied by tears, I am able to relive every single detail of those previous pages as it’s that easy to breathe in what’s been marked in our hearts.
The outcome is a very painful loss to me but the light in that dark place of mine is the efforts that were made to succeed without the promise of a win or that different would have been better.
Prior to that, we battled for years, side by side with Ryan against the dragons known as mental health issues and addiction.
We had an idea of how our triumph should look and feel and there were so many times that it felt within reach as well as others that made it feel completely impossible to attain.
There were also a lot of regretful mistakes but with each try and fail that came upon us, our performance was able to grow, even in the moments that we walked in circles for long periods of time.
If we could go back with the hard earned knowledge that we have today, it still wouldn’t assure us that we would have been successful in helping Ryan but the achievements from all of that suffering is that we are getting better at being home within ourselves as well as for each other.
This is a story that is filled with what love and sadness feel like to me as well as a lot of other things that just happen to be mine.
It is not a progression of goals but a series of moments that also hold encounters that I didn’t want to learn how to live through on my pages.
The details are what make it my story but those particulars are also what makes it hard for me to move forward.
The best way to keep improving my performance is in treating all of my feels the same without being caught up in re-reading the storyline that I already know by heart.
I am always going to be sad over my losses but I am also always going to smile because this is a story that is helping me to come home in ways that I never imagined I needed especially in how I previously detailed what I thought triumphs should look like in my life.
Have the best day POSSIBLE for you. Love Always, Heavell
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