In every story there are the moments that carry the weight of the world and the ones that make us laugh until our stomachs hurt while in between are the simple details of being all right or at least trying to be. We remember, experience and place a value on each of those particulars that define who we are as individuals. In order to understand ourselves we have to be able to believe in what has been from the yesterdays while also holding hope and the ability to breathe in what has yet to be in the tomorrows. In any given moment, though, we can find ourselves walking in circles between the terms that the mind knows and the heart that has defined them by how they feel on the inside. For instance, when we open the door to a room that is a mess, what we view can feel impossible to deal with which makes it easier to just close the door once again. After all, within that whole, each article that can be found there must be perceived of in order to know where we will go with it. The same, then, can be said about about ourselves and what we carry in the place that needs us most whether those things pertain to ourselves or to the others in our lives. Our hearts are also a room but rather than being the destination for items it’s purpose is to hold all of our comfortable and uncomfortable feelings so that we may remember and experience them in similar and different ways. At times it can also be easier to ignore what’s there especially when there is controversary between what the mind knows and what the heart says is the real truth. Addiction itself, regardless of being the addict, the loved one of a substance abuser or an outsider, is something that has the appearance, as a whole, as being impossible and at times that has been the reality for some. During the years of Ryan’s use there were many who felt and were loud about their opinion that I should have turned around and let him go. I even had a police officer, in that first year, advise me to do just that when I had stated that I did not know what to do in order to help Ryan. It was what he had chosen to do with his own child that had become an addict. Turning around was an option but for me there’s a love, made of memories and feelings that came from what had been in the yesterdays, that refused to be pushed into the shadows no matter how loud that chaos or the voices of others became. The real truth is that each of us has to decide what we can and what we cannot do when it comes to being in the hell of addiction. That opinion, then, will always include walking in circles, falling and stepping in our own way but what’s not there is the fact that we can’t exclude what we feel for and because of the ones we love. That is, after all, what hope is all about. It lives and breathes within us because there’s a love, a beauty, whose value defines ourselves in a way that only we have individually perceived of and experienced. To deny or to devalue that removes our ability to find understanding and change not only in addiction but in a so very heavell life as well. Words are just words until we perceive of and know where to go with the feelings that make them powerful. This is you and this is me whether similar or different. We are the sometime warriors in this kind of life who also fall down but always feel there’s a love, a beauty, even when we can’t breathe. I am going to wait right here for you because I believe in your yesterdays and all that they hold but only you can raise a little hell by either finding where each item, moment and feeling really needs to be or improvising until that doubt becomes the superpower of believing in yourself.
This last weekend another fallen angel was lost in this world. He was a dream who touched the lives of others in ways that went far beyond his addiction because he was, after all, so much more than just that part. There’s a love for you that will continue on through a small thing like everything tastes better with ketchup on it, through your words “when in doubt improvise” as well as all the other particulars that can be remembered from your kind of life. Oh what a journey you and your family have been on and while grief is now a part of their trail, always know that there’s a love that will forever be because of the beauty that you saw in your significant other each and every morning, in your children who will carry you with them wherever they go and all that the family experienced with and because of you; from those dreaded “f” moments to the ones where you laughed until your stomachs hurt. We are so very sorry for your loss. Love Always, Heavell
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