In order to take steps, we have to have some idea of what we expect to achieve or at the very least have a thought on where we want to go. What happens, though, when what we want or hope for is complicated by not only what is on the outside of ourselves but also by what is on the inside? Substances give the illusion that they are the problem but the real truth is that they are only one of the parts of the circle of that hell. Both addiction and sobriety contain beginnings and endings. They each also hold destruction and lifting up, fear and courage, as well as light and darkness. It has always been easier to focus on what is directly in front of us, especially when concrete, but often what we view is only the start; of what we have yet to discover along the trail. In the beginning of using substances, no one imagines that in the tomorrows they will become an addict; seeing only what is currently in front of them or the need of it. At the start of sobriety, it is all but impossible to conceive of being someone who no longer holds the very thing that has been defining him or her. Both also contain pain in the early stages as the altering of one’s self begins; for the better or for the worse. But whether sober or not, stepping or walking in circles, all of it stays with us wherever we go; to use to lift us up or to destroy ourselves in the yesterdays, today and the tomorrows. What is in your view now? How far are you able to see? If the “f” moments and the pain are close by, what can you find on the inside as well that is a little bit of heaven? Within the strongest parts of addiction are the feelings of failure, of being less than, but located in that hell is also the beauty of you. What if in this perfect moment you were to see what is before you but also know that it is not all that there is; nor all that you are? Some of this so very heavell life will have hell, whether you want it to or not, and some will hold heaven. It is your ability to find the understanding for you, to hear your little boxes of feelings, that determines what your matter of time is in either place; and whether you return there in this moment or the next or even the next one. Here’s to you and the view before you as the heavell keeper of your life. Be amazed because as a sometime warrior, it has never ever been that easy for you to fall nor to stand. It’s all right that you have forgotten who you are because the view is complicated by illusions of perfection; as well as having and holding heavenly expectations. I am me and you are you and each of us are essential for our views on the circle of heavell; whether an addict or not.
As the perfect people to bring hell, we also have the proficiency to bring heaven; for ourselves as well as for others. Ryan’s death brought me to a place that I have never ever been in before. It has been incredibly hard to view anything beyond the loss of him; despite life continuing on all around me. He, however, had the insight that even in death life persists. True to his generous nature of giving, even if it meant he would have nothing, Ryan had wanted to be an organ donor so that others would have the ability to live. Despite the hell in his life, he viewed the heaven too. Whether he was able to contribute to the lives of others or not in his death is not something we know of at this point. Knowing that one of the strongest parts of him was seen and heard in the end brings a grace to the hell. In honor of Ryan and the view that he has helped us to see, I would like to introduce to you a beautiful, young woman named Dana Fahey. She has been on dialysis for almost five years. As she turns 32 this month, she is hoping that someone will give her the gift of life through a kidney donation; her blood type is O+. Despite being in a hell that no matter what she does will remain, until that donation of course, Dana is able to bring the heaven to the others in her life; with a sense of humor. Can you imagine the pain she must feel as she walks in circles in the hell of it? Of course we can find the similarities to each of our hells despite the differences; as the weight of the world is in the heart of the beholder. Giving the gift of a kidney to someone else is a part of our ability to be sometime warriors who use our superpowers to lift others when they have fallen; because we have always been so much more. If you or someone else is interested in helping Dana be able to step in her hell, please contact Stephen Knapik at 1(631) 444-6944. You can also follow her on her Facebook page; a kidney for Christmas
Got Heavell? Of course you do but it’s the view in front of you that just might make you think you don’t. It’s all right. I will wait right here while you find you. Please hold on as you go through as only you can in your matter of time.
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