Whenever characters are triumphant, we are drawn into their celebrations, feeling the same relief and happiness that they do, as if we were observers within the stories rather than an audience reading narratives that were created specifically to hold those details. The same can be said about the emotions that we experience when the parts of those accounts leave the individuals feeling unsure of their abilities to go through and overwhelmed by the thought that they won’t make it, as well as when they lose one or more of their friends on the journeys where the pitch changes into what feels impossible. These are stories where a turn of the page or the next scene or a plot twist is merely a moment before courage will be found through something as simple as one of the characters having a calming smile that reminds the others to believe, but it is also an action that reaches out to nudge our own hearts with the unspoken and yet reassuring sense that we too can overcome even the scariest of dragons or hell in our lives. Grins like that are the type that feel like a giant hug in your heart that you can lean safely into the arms of or the sun that breaks through the clouds streaming warmth and light upon your face on a bitter cold day reminding you that change will eventually enfold you because after all, smiles are never ever just a facial expression or a word on a page. Those looks are a part of what makes a character authentic for us, but it’s the gift of the feeling that we get from them that can also be found in our lives at times from the very people who are in need of that heart touch themselves. In the tale of a smile, the story is about one such powerful and compassionate feature that was often found resting comfortably on the face of an individual named Brian. His smile was the open door to a sensitive person who always had the time and the desire to hear the needs of others. That particular aspect of his helped individuals to lean in and feel at home before he even said a word but when he did speak, his words held the encouragement that his grin had implied lived there. Even his passion for music, his artistic abilities and his love of cars and the repairing of them were things where his realness was able to show through as an invitation for others to join him and to freely express themselves as well. But as we know with all things, a part never equals a whole, there is always a different truth to be viewed, and a smile is never just a smile because within it is the ability to express joy from the inside to the outside or to be used to lift others up or it can be the tool used to hide the pain of the one wearing a grin that so easily puts others at ease. In some ways life is a “show” in which it is far easier to be an observer who cheers and reassures or judges from the side lines, as we do when watching movies, than it is to actually be the character in an epic tale where the details of things like finding strength, overcoming what appears to be a weakness and needing help cannot be located by turning a page or sitting on the edge of your seat until the next scene brings that wished for sigh of relief. It is also harder to perceive, when we are not the one in the midst of it, that a smile or words of encouragement from an individual are not an indication or proof that the person who can share those things with others isn’t also struggling to show up for his or herself. Perhaps it is the vulnerability and the fear of the view into all that we are, especially our messes, that makes it so hard to seek support or maybe it’s those things as well as the thought that to need help is the same as being a failure since we are not those authentic and beloved personas in a novel or the observers of a so very heavell life. Or just maybe it’s that the pitch has yet to throw us off the cliff into the darkness and we are scared we might never get out of that place if we fall. During Ryan’s three-week battle for his life, a nurse used the word stoic to describe me while speaking to others. During that time, I was able to smile and to say encouraging words, especially as I held Ryan’s hand and whispered what I thought he needed to hear into his ear, but there was also a conflict raging in my mind and heart that only I was really aware of. Everything I did at that time was intended to help Ryan and to keep him calm but once he left this world that loud, chaotic and angry wildfire sprang to life leaving me speechless for months as well as unable to seek some sort of support to get through. There were those during that time who periodically touched my heart with quiet and simple words or a text emoji or a smile but most of all it was their patience, as if they were sitting with me, as they waited for me to speak again that helped me to be all right with not being all right. There were also those who pressured me to move on quickly from what hurt, and those actions felt like the expectation that I should close the door on my pain when the real truth is that strength has never been found in the hiding or the denying of what we are experiencing especially since that suffering will always find a way to be heard regardless of what we may use to keep it quiet. In your tale of a smile, are you able to feel the hug of your reassuring grin that you are able to give to others? How does it feel when you sit with that door open to your messes? Sometimes we have to pass this way again and again and again to find the right person, tool, words or smile in order to get all right with not being all right. Be kind and be loud in your tale of a smile especially for yourself. Have the best day POSSIBLE for you and if you or anyone you know could use a reminder to believe along any kind of journey, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline number is 1-800-273-8255 or the NAMI Mental Health Help Line is 1-800-950-6264. Every dream matters whether here or not. Love Always, Heavell
To Amanda and Jason. Thank you for leaving room to be curious about yourself and others because “The Tale of a Smile” was the results of a conversation that began about tattoos. Your love of Brian and his grin continues on in your memories of him as you share what he will always mean to you and others as well as in the music that you listen to because of him and your love of cars, where being real was a place you all felt safe in. We are so very sorry for your loss.
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