There was a letter to the editor in the newspaper last week, written by a “former” addict, who suggested the consideration that those who overdose should not be saved per Darwin’s Theory of Natural Selection. This person stated that he or she had been an addict for a brief time but had chosen to get it together as all addicts must do. I surmised from the writer’s choice of words, and my emotional definitions of those words, that all dreams that have died or will die were essentially not fit for survival; therefore not truly a loss. Initially I was surprised that there was a person who felt that way until I realized that that thought process is very common; the remedy to the inconvenience of addicts. I thought about the police officer who told me to let my son go. I thought about the medical professionals who have all but said that Ryan is an addict so he doesn’t really matter; justifying their poor treatment of him based upon his poor treatment of himself. I pondered those young men who tried to dump his body after he had overdosed as if he were nothing. I reflected on the non-believers who would prefer I turn away from Ryan rather than fight to help him save himself; not a single one has ever told Ryan to keep up the good fight. I even contemplated the fallen angels that are no more, the ones I personally knew, who overdosed, committed suicide or died because of an illness developed through addiction. I considered the behavior of the president of another country who justifies and applies the death penalty to addicts. I thought about the inventor of the drug used to turn overdoses around, called Narcan, who lost his stepson to an overdose. Most of all I thought about how different the past eleven years would have been if Ryan had died from his overdose. I would not be here. I would not have looked in the mirror. I would not have met all the amazing people who have taught me so much about life, love and pain through their battles with addiction for themselves or their children or their loved ones. In essence all my children, each of those people and this hell has helped me to become a better person. This means that perfectly, irritatingly, messy people are here to teach us as well as learn from us. By behaving today as we did yesterday as we will tomorrow is why we are here with addiction growing everyday. The green truth is that it is the addicts fault for not getting it together or at least appearing to be good. The real truth is we all did this by believing we don’t have to be accountable for our role on the circle of heavell.
Last week, via an overdose, Heavell lost a dream . This young woman was a friend of Ashlee’s from several years back. The last time Ashlee had spoken to her, she had been hiding in a closet after surviving a trauma; one of many in her life. She left behind a young child. A child that, despite having a father to take care of him, is now a victim of addiction. I wonder if when he grows up, he will understand that his mother was not fit for survival and be okay with that. I fear that he will feel as if a piece of him is missing and not be able to cope. Is it worse to lose a loved one to death quickly or to continually worry about death for years? How will each of the people who loved this dream cope? Will it be the same today as yesterday as tomorrow? Was she alone in death as she felt in life? Happy people do not alter their state of being. Unhappy people do, coping through substances that provide them relief from their pain, no matter what the cost may be. Treat others how you would want to be treated because if it is good enough for them, it is good enough for you. Would you want me to decide for you whether your child or loved one gets to survive or not? Get out of hell or not? Look in the mirror and see your role, then turn and look at every other position. There are people who consistently push against Ryan and other addicts because they do not want them to get out of hell. They don’t really care about my dream, your dream or anyone else’s dream even though they appear to be good. Trick’s are not just for drugs. They are also for people which makes this hell so much worse. The concept of Darwin’s Natural Selection, as apparently so many feel is the remedy for addicts, was never meant to be affected or influenced by humans; especially those who lack accountability for their own role on the circle of heavell. The deaths of addicts will never remove our sins no matter how big nor how small. Everyone listens to the snake while biting the apples and the mirror sees it all.
Prayers to the family and friends of the young woman from last week and any other dream who is no longer here. All of the fallen angels have impacted us. We see the greatness of each of those dreams and feel the loss of them too. We cannot undo what has been done but because of your presence we can change tomorrow. You are our guides out of hell but it is up to us to choose to listen.
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