What you feel about the anything and the everything will be expressed in your behavior and ultimately it is a reflection of what you discern life to be. If there is hurt or pain or a need to be perceived by others in your life, it is more likely that you will feel angry and or depressed. As such, you will react in ways that may not be of benefit to yourself nor to others; sometimes in secret and sometimes very publicly. Throughout these years as we have dealt with the opinions as well as the behaviors of others towards Ryan, it has been surprising and painful to witness the justification of disrespect that he has endured. How hard can it be for an addict to overcome the addiction that lives within when the behaviors from others are a continual reminder of all that should not have been? In order to be whole, to overcome addiction, we must focus on all of the parts that are located within our personal circles of heavell; not just the ones we or others choose to view.
Unbeknownst to us was the real truth that the continual use of substances can and does permanently damage the body. The hospital Ryan was at a year ago failed to discover what was happening on the inside because of what they knew of him on the outside; that he had been an IV drug user. It mattered not what I had said nor even what Ryan had said because the only opinions that were of importance were those of the hospital personnel; as such that delay in treatment almost cost him his life. All feelings matter, regardless of who they belong to, but it is how they are coped with and then expressed that determines whether we are a part of the solution or a part of the problem; regardless of being an addict or not. After seven hours in the ER, the doctor had informed us that they had yet to draw blood on Ryan. His cavalier attitude had been the determiner in Ryan choosing to be discharged rather than to continue to wait for care. Fortunately I had demanded that they draw his blood before he had been released. Shortly after we had returned home, that same ER doctor had called to inform us that Ryan was in kidney and liver failure; he was critical. Anger swelled with every breath that I had taken as I listened to that doctor. Both Ryan and I had been painfully aware that he was being ignored during the time that he had laid on that gurney. Each of us at the hospital had felt differently about addiction and as such we had behaved according to those feelings; which has nothing to do with the dictionary definition of the word addiction. Someone recently told me that I should “just get over it”. We obviously did not feel the same about what had occurred but the devaluing of feelings will only result in a failure to resolve any issues. What is in your words that you say to yourself as well as to others? Pick your own weeds otherwise you will only be an illusion of perfection who bites from the apples known as denial, justification and judgement; beauty will never be found in that hell.
The judgement of others has repeatedly been a hinderance in Ryan’s sobriety as well as almost having cost him his life. Perhaps addiction should come with a notice that states that addicts can and will be treated as less than by some people because “bad behavior justifies bad behavior”. We need to know how we feel about the anything and the everything but we also need to know how to cope well with those emotional definitions; whether an addict or not. The act of saying “I am sorry” is not the admittance of guilt nor the placing of someone else’s feelings above your own. It is the acknowledgement of the other person’s feelings that are based on his or her perception(s). We are each a circle of heavell that can be hell or heaven or both in the lives of others; illusions of perfection will not remove anyone’s sins. It is never easy to look in the mirror and see how we have affected others but beauty can be found in bringing to light what has been hidden. Life has a no return policy because tomorrow holds the opportunity to do this differently by not repeating the same behaviors of yesterday. Take the hand of courage and the hand of fear while breathing in brave. Lend me your feelings and I will lend you mine because a tree can bring down a forest and a forest can lift a tree.
To Ryan: Your compassion towards others and your forgiveness of them, despite never having received an apology, is why you are the hero that I aspire to be every day. I have said it before but I will say it again, “I am just so sorry for all my “f” moments”. Every moment matters with you and I will live in hell as long as you are there. I love you.
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