The non-believers have been known to tell others that I have been in denial of Ryan’s drug use. It is true that I have been but not for the reason that they would have people believe. The mirror hates the apple known as denial because it allows the green truth to be easily accepted rather than the real truth. However my emotional attachment to that word is different from that of the non-believers. On the days that I was in fear of breaking, I freely chose to bite the apple. It was a protective mechanism that I used in order to remain standing or to not bleed any further while on the ground. Sometimes my mind, body and spirit could not take anymore and I had to run from the pain; not unlike an addict. Denial has also actually brought me peace, when necessary, as I lived in a life of hell that was filled with fear. There were days where I was so tired that I would pretend that I only lived in heaven. I just didn’t want to think about or deal with his addiction for one more second. Ironically the non-believers failed and still fail to see the real truth which is that they are also in denial. They would have everyone believe that Ryan is only the sum of his drug use despite the parts of him that are and have been heaven. The real truth is that in his addiction, Ryan did become solely about getting and using drugs. He focused on that one part as being the defining definition of himself while everyone else did the very exact same thing. How can we save a whole while focused on only one part? How can we expect only one part to save a whole? Denial is not just the act of declaring or pretending that something is untrue. It is also a convenient or at times a necessary mechanism used by addicts and non-addicts as well as the non-believers to run from pain or to keep from being further broken or to justify the judgment of others while failing to do the right thing. Its unfortunate that there are those who failed to see that what they claimed was my denial was in fact my protection against the desperation that was destroying me and not a shielding of Ryan. He, of course, refuted the truth because drugs brought him relief from his pain in life. You should be here is a green truth because you are not here either although you pretend that you are. The apple called denial is a friend of the snake. It loves everyone equally because everyone needs it in order to not look in the mirror; addicts and non-addicts are really very much the same.
One of the definitions of insanity is the repeating of a behavior while expecting a different outcome. Ryan’s repeated return to drug use was as insane as my repeated attempts to control those days and relapses. He was obsessed with using drugs and I was obsessed with stopping his use of them. No one ever mentioned to me that I would feel like I was going insane through all of this but that is exactly how I felt. Between those feelings of shock, anger, fear, loneliness, frustration, desperation, anxiety, hatred and DENIAL, I came as close to losing it as possible. This had not been my plan in life. I am sure it wasn’t Ryan’s plan either. No one wakes up one day having had a happy life and decides to throw it all away. No one wakes up from a dream and knows how to deal with a nightmare. Part of the problem was that his feelings and my feelings were not the same. I saw drugs as the enemy and if he would have done what I said, things would have been okay. It had worked for years and yet at some point he stopped listening and I guess I did too. He saw drugs as a friend who understood him and made everything okay. How can we solve a problem when we stand on opposite sides insisting that we are each right? When heaven and hell face each other in the battle for a life, someone or something has to give. There have been many people in my life that repeat behaviors while expecting a different outcome even when the behaviors are destructive to them and or their relationships. Yet persist they do as if what they are doing is as cathartic as drugs are to an addict. At some point I believed I could talk Ryan out of his drug use and others out of their choices. I certainly tried with everything I had in me until I realized that we don’t feel the same about these things. So perhaps my son’s drug use helped me to realize the insane expectation that I could continue to behave the same while expecting others to change even though that is exactly how we got here. The green truth was that it had all been right and the real truth was that we were all wrong; that is how a tree brought down a forest. So why did I spend years talking and acting exactly as I had prior to the start of this? The answer lies with that friend of the snake known as denial which led to the avoidance of the mirror. Addicts are just like you and me because they are in denial too. Nothing will change as long as we all behave today as we did yesterday as we will tomorrow expecting only addicts to look in the mirror because a part cannot save a whole. Today is a good day, not because I am not afraid, but because I am living this one day at a time with one breath at a time. Denial will be my friend when I am unsure of where to step next or I feel as if can’t do this for one more second. I will also rely upon the support of those who are there for me, especially my dear Ashlee and Taylor who go above and beyond to hold my hand in hell. Be kind to yourself when the days are not good. No one wakes up one day and decides to live in hell but here we are. I am sorry that you are here. You shouldn’t be.
Courage and fear walk hand in hand. To the non-believers. I choose to bite the apple known as denial even though it the friend of the snake. So do you. I fell down. Just like you. A dream became a nightmare then a dream and then a nightmare. Every one knows the valley of the fallen angels. You should not be here because here is hell. Be kind to yourself today and then get up tomorrow. You are your guide out of hell because no matter what anyone else says, you are the parts that are needed to save your whole.
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