It takes little effort to blame an addict for making “the choice” to use. No one has a “happy” life and then decides to “blow it up” one day because it’s on the bucket list. It took a series of events, moments or trauma(s) to get here and it is going to take hard, painful work to get out of it. Happy people don’t alter their state of being but unhappy people do. It is not your ability to love or make love that determines a life…a relationship…It is your ability to face adversity singularly and as a team that tells the truth. Sometimes that truth is green.

“May 2006

Dear Ryan,

Over the past couple of weeks I have been contemplating the past few months and all the years since your birth. I have been thinking about when you were born and your childhood. It is the need to know, the analytical side of me. I search for answers in my contribution to this. This not being your drug use but this being my part in giving you the sense that you did not belong in this family. That we weren’t happy with you.

I am able to see places where you felt I turned my back on you. At times I even laid down and died. I abandoned you in my selfishness. I said I wanted you to be you but I still tried to color you. In that I left you feeling valueless.

It is in seeing this that I am working to continue to change my behavior. It is not an easy task. I have spent years being one way. At times, particularly stressful ones, I find myself stepping back into old behavior. However I recognize this and can get back on track fairly quickly. I need you to know that I am truly sorry for my behaviors. Sorry does not mean anything if I am not willing to change the behavior. I know you must have these feelings as well about your choices. Parallels are amazing.

The past can not be changed but the future can. My parenting skills were not a reflection of you but of me as a person/parent. You have always been one to challenge me to learn in life and it is one of the things I love about you. Even if it does take me a while to get there and even if your challenges are difficult, I love you for them. I will love you for all of eternity. There is nothing that can change that. Your choices do not alter my love for you. You are in my heart and soul forever.

I have wondered if I caused you to make these choices or if someone else did. I realize that the choices were your way of dealing with the pain you were feeling. As you can not use me or anyone else as your excuse for these choices, I can not use you as mine to not change. I can not lay down anymore. I choose not to.

I am fearful for your choices. That these choices will continue to be the way you deal in life. I watch your choices affect the people who love you. Part of me, the old me, wants to shake you awake. The new part of me knows that you must make your choices. I won’t enable you and I can help myself and your family to learn from those choices – to grow from them.

Taylor and Ashlee realize that while you have fallen down, your stepfather and I are being better parents because of you. They are learning to speak about their feelings, to accept them and to listen. They are not laying down. Taylor hit a ball almost out of the park for you. She said, “You would have done that for her.” She misses you.

You did not have these benefits before. I can’t get that back for you but I am willing and able to give it to you now. We are as a family. You were always a part of me and a part of this family. We will continue to show this to you. You do belong. You are somebody in this family. You are our Ryan and we are your family.

I am fearful that you are losing you. That you are not coloring you. The drugs are and your behaviors are. I am fearful that you have laid down and died. The drugs changed you. When you are using, we can’t count on you. I use to be able to leave and know that all would be well at the house because you were in charge. I never worried because you would bring your best – until the drugs. Even in sports you gave your best – until the drugs. Your family, friends and teammates could count on you. Then drugs came and you laid down and died. The drugs took you and left a stranger behind. He looked like you but he wasn’t you.

You never lied to me before the drugs. You were always accountable. You always let me know when you were telling a story or the truth. I could count on that. I can’t now because of the drugs. The drugs changed everything in you. The drugs brought out the worst in you. I miss those stories and you.

Where are you? I know you have been in the maze. The drugs make you want to stay there. Your family is outside the maze. We want to hear you laugh and tell your stories. We want to laugh with you again. For a long time no one has been able to laugh. We are laughing again now. We want you to share that with us. We want to know what you think and feel. We want to know you, not the stranger.

I miss you. I love you. Kisses and hugs.

Love Mom”

A simple letter of hope and fear. A letter to fill in the empty places in Ryan’s heart by giving him the self worth that drugs took away or replaced. Words from a mother who knew her child and believed this would all go away. He just needed to change. I was scared out of my mind, completely determined and the green truth was what I believed.

Today I know Ryan’s self worth wasn’t being controlled by a “stranger”. The “stranger” hadn’t taken him from me. This outsider was Ryan. He had developed into him while I was believing “he will be fine”. It wasn’t a moment. It wasn’t one failing. It was a series of events that he failed to survive well because we didn’t lead him to survive well. The green truth is in reality a naïve truth and none of us, addict or non-addict, got here in a moment.

That which doesn’t kill us still destroys us but we got this. We are fine. He’s fine. We will be good as new…