What is the value of an excuse? Is that value determined by the one saying it or the one hearing it? Are all excuses treated equally or does it matter who the bearer of the excuse is? I have said and received many excuses in my lifetime. Some of the ones said to me have been incredibly damaging and I have realized that some of the ones I have said have also inflicted emotional harm. We use excuses as denials of actions, behaviors, words and truths that harm ourselves and or others. Addicts use them to hide all the things that are tied to their addictions. The apple known as denial is the friend of excuse and we have used them in order to continue to behave today, as yesterday and potentially in the future. We lose trust when people excuse their behavior as well as experience the violation of our feelings being minimized; we are aware of the wrongs that have happened to us but not the ones we have done to others. I have absolutely hated all the times that Ryan excused a behavior, a mess, a missing item or even paraphernalia. I have also denied or excused those things from him and for him. When we are caught in the exposure that our excuses are merely denials and justifications, we stand our ground at any cost. Ashlee has been on the receiving end of my excuses for a large part of her life. I first excused having to teach her how to protect and take care of Ryan because I couldn’t count on their dad; which placed a huge responsibility on her as a child. Then when she tried to warn me of Ryan’s drug use, I listened to his denials rather than to her real truth. When I think back over those years, my excuses sent her the message that her feelings were not as important as Ryan’s nor my need to avoid dealing. I can say that I was overwhelmed with all that was happening in my life back then but it is my children who paid for my inability to cope well. My intent was never to harm them even though the results was that I did. Someone has always had to sacrifice in every situation, especially the very serious ones, and Ashlee was often the chosen one; Ryan and Taylor have also been given a share of my excuses. I made the best decision possible with the knowledge I had at the time but there is no justification, no excuses, for those missteps. If I do not understand the why and the how of what I did, then I cannot choose to do this differently for the betterment of myself and my children. If I excuse my behavior, choices, actions, BLAH, then I am trying to prove that those moments were and are okay which is a green truth. What has been done cannot be undone. The real truth is that there is no way to make a wrong even slightly right; especially if we are harmed or others are. There has been a person in my life who has had an excuse for every single action and behavior which usually led to everything being my fault. If I had an action or behavior or even a feeling, those were also my fault. In life we have events where we need denial or excuses in order to survive but there is a difference between a moment and a pattern. There is also a big distinction between excuses and the understanding of how we got there or came to be. All of the right things and wrongs things that have happened in my life are a part of my emotional definitions and the end results is who I am. Because I am a circle of heavell, all the right and wrong pieces that I have shared with others is a part of how they came to be who they are. One of the things I use to tell my children is that they are entitled to have a bad day but they are not entitled to share it nor justify it. The irony is that I was sharing my bad days while telling them to keep theirs to themselves. That person who has held me accountable for their choices and behaviors has also basically done the same thing to me; do as I say not as I do. We can deny for a period of time in order to breathe but at some point we have to look in the mirror at ourselves rather than what others are or have done. You should be here is a green truth. We frequently tell others what to do, how to be, how they feel or even what they have to accept even though we are not willing to do the same. If excuses are right then they are right across the board and if they are wrong then they are wrong across the board; no matter how big nor how small. If we release ourselves from the responsibility of what we have done, then we miss the opportunity, the chance to discover who we can truly be as well as who other’s can be. If we only have heavenly expectations for others then we become hypocrites who lead angels to where they fall and fail to escape from. We are all made up of parts that are heaven and hell. As such they must be accepted as our whole knowing that we can change some of the parts but we can never deny any of them. I am as strong as I am because of the pain, the trauma as well as the parts that bring love and laughter to my life. If you cannot accept my bad days then you may not have me on my good days because that would lead to my being fractured and I choose to be whole. Addicts, non-addicts and the non-believers all behave in the same manner which is human behavior that is learned, coped with and repeated to the detriment of our relationships with ourselves as well as others, especially our dreams. It matters not who says any excuse but it does matter if its a moment or a pattern. If it is wrong for one then it is wrong for all regardless of position, money, education, religion, addict, non-addict or BLAH. We can learn to understand how we become who we are as well as how others came to their place on the circle of heavell. To do so otherwise will lead to the continued fracturing of ourselves, chains that bind us to hell and the loss of more and more dreams. Tricks are not just for drugs. Happy people do not alter their state of being but unhappy people do with substances, people, things as well as the apples known as denial, justification and excuse.
To Ashlee, Ryan and Taylor: I am sorry that in my life I have listened to the snake, bit the apples, fractured myself and ultimately fractured you. Thank you for teaching me that I was capable of being whole. You saw me even when I was not able to. I know you understand how I came to be and that you accept me on my good days as well as my bad ones. I strive every day to give you the same. Life is a circle of heavell with you and I am grateful for every moment whether I am holding the hand of courage or of fear. I love you.
Recent Comments