I was screaming at the top of my lungs but no one had seemed to notice. They had not heard me because no noise was actually coming from my mouth. It was only inside my head. I had not understood how this had ever came to be nor why we had returned. This home was hell and it was not a place I had wanted to be. Silently I was slipping into despair while trying to maintain the normalcy of daily life. I was not able to cope but I was functioning. I had not known what to do and had resorted to the behaviors I was comfortable with. Everyone else had stayed the same too. Do as I say not as I do was the theme of our lives. If a tree in the forest is affected and at risk for falling, the whole forest must be helped. If the tree does fall, then blaming it for the wellbeing of the rest of the forest is a green truth…especially when the forest had been a part of affecting that tree right from the beginning.
I am not sure when the descent back into hell occurred. Was it one minute after we returned from rehab? One day? A week later when Ryan’s father came to town and was on drugs? Or the next? It doesn’t really matter. Any day or any moment can lead to an addict listening to the whispers of the snake and reaching for the apple. Any situation can be the excuse to justify the use of drugs to cope. There had not been enough time to repair the damage caused by the traumas nor the need to run from them in 90 days or less. There had not been enough time to destroy the monster that lived in my son or even in all of us.
I had refused to see that the poster child was dead. Denial had flowed naturally through me even though I would have told you that it was optimism that had kept me going. Optimism that the same behavior today as yesterday as tomorrow, from all of us, would result in a different outcome. Optimism had kept me from seeing the truth and denial made sure it had stayed hidden. I had liked the green truth back then because it was less painful.
The rehab had recommended that Ryan go to a halfway house in another city or even another state. I had not chosen to do that with him. Why? Because I had believed that this was a moment not a life. Because I had thought I had this. Because I had believed that all the people in the circle would step up including myself and Ryan. Although we had been willing to pay for the rehab, we had not been willing to pay the real cost for our sins which was changing us. By having pointed our fingers at him, we had been able to keep the mirror firmly behind us. We had expected that he would change and yet we had denied him the right to have us change too. Perhaps a halfway house would have helped but he still would have had to return to us and our same behaviors. How long would he have stayed sober then? Why wouldn’t we have been willing to do whatever it took to save one of our own even if it meant looking into that mirror?
The word enable means to give someone the ability to do something. Was I an enabler of Ryan? Of course I was. I had not followed through when I should have on many occasions. My behavior was obvious and that was what made it so easy for others to blame me. The definition, however, has a very broad scope not the simple one that most identify with. If everyone was doing the right thing then the influence of one person would not have been powerful enough to destroy.
A multitude of people enabled Ryan in a variety of ways. By not changing and stepping up for Ryan, others enabled him to justify his drug use. By others not being accountable, Ryan had followed them down the same road. By others lying, he had learned that it wasn’t important to tell the truth. By shifting blame on to him, he had learned that his feelings did not matter. By his father providing him with money, he had learned manipulation. By his step-parent placing his siblings above him, he had learned that he was not loved. Just in the simple act of not getting to know him, he was enabled into believing he didn’t matter. In a room full of people he was on the outside. When he accepted the role that was forced upon him, he was blamed for it.
All those actions and more empowered Ryan to be the drug addict that he had become and ultimately went back to. We lead him there, blamed him for it, took him out of it and then sent him right back in. We did not hand him the drugs nor tell him to use them but we held him accountable for his failings and ours. It was as if we needed him to be the fallen angel. No one likes to look in the mirror because the real truth is painful but appearances won’t ever really cover it up. We can hide but they will find us eventually.
Judgement is quick and easy. There is no innocent until proven guilty because what is in front of us is more easily blamed than dealing with what is seen in the mirror. Our accountability fades into the background when we hold others responsible even though every situation or moment in life is surrounded by a circle. Each individual in that circle is responsible for their actions and reactions and how it affects the circle. Their part. Choosing not to do anything is an action. Choosing to hold others accountable for the whole circle is an action. Failing to look in the mirror is an action. Even if we behave today as we did yesterday, it does not mean we should continue to do so tomorrow, especially when the cost is one of our own.
One soul was sold again. The whole forest is falling. Drugs know we lie. Monsters are seen in the mirror. Heaven has been swallowed by hell. The real truth is everyone is an enabler. Please wake me up from this nightmare. Death becomes the fallen angel…
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