Addiction is not a one time event but a series of days, weeks, months and years that are made up of heaven and hell. One day that person may be sober and the next he or she may relapse. If you have ever been through a setback or multiples of them, it is very hard not to feel angry and fearful before, during and after. The first time that Ryan went to rehab, I completely thought the whole addiction process was over. I am not sure whether I was unaware of those events that often occur or if I just thought he was different. Perhaps I thought I was finally powerful enough to talk him out of it even though that had not been the case in the past. The first relapse made me angry with the frustration that this wasn’t as simple as I had wanted or believed it to be. After he had over-dosed, my reactions to his subsequent relapses were filled with intense anger resulting from the fear that would spread throughout my body from the knowledge that he could actually die from his hell. Addiction is a chain that binds addicts to a substance that alters their mind, body and soul. That chain has also bound me to it with the same results; addicts and non-addicts are very much the same. Ryan has been fearful and angry in his desperate need to have and to ingest drugs. I have felt the same way in trying to prevent his use of drugs. At no time was I aware though, that I would also relapse or deteriorate in my behavior during those events. I have had to ask myself if I was justifying my actions based upon his behaviors or were my behaviors encouraging his responses before, during and after those setbacks? Some how I think both have played a role in this whole addiction cycle that we have lived. The other day there was a situation that involved my ex-husband and some of his relatives. Several of them were trying to control what he could or could not do in regards to certain relatives. As I listened to the scenario, I was struck by the intensity of those involved but also by the knowledge that I have done the same thing on so many occasions. I understand that need to restrict, especially when we have suffered traumas in the past. Anyone who has had an addict in their life can completely relate to those emotional definitions. I also recognized the negative reinforcement to my ex that he has made many mistakes that will never be forgiven nor forgotten. Why stay sober if the sum of you is only the hell of you or if you can never get away from the reminders of your hell? When addicts make numerous offenses while repeatedly using, it is all but impossible to remember that they have been dreams before. We feel frustrated that addicts behave today as they did yesterday as we are sure they will tomorrow because that’s what the cycle has taught us. With those feelings and knowledge firmly in hand, we are justified in the repetition of our own behaviors in response to theirs. It is not that we are not entitled to our feelings but it is how they are utilized that can determine whether this is heaven or hell as well as the duration of each of those. I feel as if my continual restrictions and the justifications of my behaviors have made me more of a non-believer than an actual true believer. Fear fed my recurring reminders to Ryan that he had done “this” and thus I was doing “this”. That cycle of mine brought what felt like control into an out of control life that I struggled to cope through. It was also a part of keeping me as well as Ryan in that hell. How do we find peace and safety with people whose need for a substance is greater than the love they have for us or for themselves? The answer does not lie in reminding them of their hell every time that we can even though we cannot ignore the truth of that hell. This would be so much easier if each of us were only heaven in this world but that is a green truth; an impossibility. The real truth is that we are all made up of parts that are heaven and hell and those parts affect us as well as others. It is not our ability to love or make love in life but our ability to face controversary together that is the actual determiner of the success or failure of any relationship; including the one with ourselves. That means knowing that others have failed us, that we have failed them, as well as having failed ourselves. I can say emphatically that there have been times that I have hated my ex-husband or at least his behaviors. There are times that I have cursed his name for the traumas that he has brought. I can also say with the same amount of passion, that in the moments that he has shown up for our children, I am beyond grateful for all that he has done. Those wonderful moments have brought peace to Ashlee and Ryan in a life where trust and tranquility were not a part of their childhood. Healing begins when we breathe in the heavens that are there too. I feel sadness for my ex as well as those relatives because they have decided he should be here. They will continue to keep him chained while not realizing that they are also keeping themselves chained. The apples of denial and justification will never remove the accountability of their role on their circle of heavell just as it will not for my ex-husband. What has been done cannot be undone but by learning to cope well, the fracturing of ourselves can begin to heal whether we are an addict or a non-addict. The mirror knows that we are all perfectly, irritatingly, messy people who fall down even though we use illusions of perfection to hide it.
To my ex-husband: I am grateful for every moment that you have been able to stand for our children as are they. Thank you.
Recent Comments