Every situation and every person contains both heaven and hell; bringing the version of each through the challenges, the celebrations and the lessons learned or not. It is often said that one person’s heaven is another person’s hell but that is a green truth. One cannot exist without the other although it can be incredibly difficult to find beauty in the hell when it often hides in the shadows. The loss of a dream is the most challenging because with it comes the inability for there to be a tomorrow even though yesterday will always just be. The process of being in either place pertains to the holder of that hell or that heaven; whether an addict or not. Sometimes the things that we face are more than what we can bear and denying that only ensures that hell will always stay close. The ability to cope well in any given moment depends on what that moment, that trauma, or that BLAH is as well as how we feel on the inside when it occurs. In my life, some of the simplest events have brought me to my knees while other ones that should have destroyed me resulted in a momentary flinch. If those things continually happen, it can and does get harder and harder to breathe. Substance abuse, whether an addict or not, contains within it such extremes of emotions that sometimes it is easier to seek concrete answers while hiding or denying those feelings. Ryan is my dream, a fallen angel, but for others he is nothing more than addict, a nightmare; we have not felt the same about him. We each are or have been in denial while using justification for our behaviors; the real truth is that Ryan is both. Neither the non-believers nor I can dismiss the full circle of heavell that he is because to do so will ensure that he remains fractured. When that counselor, all those years back, had said that I could not hand Ryan his belief in himself, he had only been somewhat right. By seeing only the pieces that I had wanted to, those heavenly expectations, I was failing to help Ryan love, hate, accept or change every part of himself in order to be whole. The same then can be said of the non-believers who wanted only to see a part or some of the parts of him that are only the hell. I am so much more than just the mother of an addict or the hell in someone’s life or even the heaven in another’s world; we all are. Each of my children can relay heaven and hell moments about me even when talking about the same event. All of those emotional definitions are valid and denying that will not change the truth in the mirror; its easier to only be or see or hear the heaven. We cannot breathe into our hearts the feelings of others because within them lie the fracturing that prevents us from learning the lessons and or finding the beauty in hell. What has been done cannot be undone no matter what we hope for, wish for or deny because yesterday will always be a part of us. What is in your words that you say to yourself as well as to others? Do you deny the BLAH? Do you only see the hell of you or only the heaven? Beauty can be located no matter where you are, on the inside as well as the outside, but it is your emotional definitions that will determine when or if you will find it. You are the perfect person to love all of you but never deny the BLAH otherwise you will continue to only perceive of illusions of perfection; a place where real beauty will never be found.
The HugTrain made it’s way through Tucson on Sunday and the founder, Arie Moyal, stood on a street corner while offering free hugs. This gentle, giant who hails from Quebec, has been riding the trains to different cities in the United States during the holidays for ten years; as a way to bring a distinct perspective about the world through hugs and mental health support. This year his ride was dedicated to a fallen angel that was lost to an overdose a few months ago. I missed the opportunity to meet him in person but I was fortunate enough to speak with him for some time once he made it to Los Angeles. I was amazed at his perspective of the needs of his friend while also being painfully aware of his inability to help that dream find his belief in himself before time ran out. Yesterday will always be in their friendship but there is no today nor will there ever be a tomorrow because what has been done cannot be undone. What, then, to do with the emotions of the anything and the everything, from the friendship as well as the loss of it; as it pertains to the one who carries it on the inside? Arie is the only one who can find or not the beauty that lives in the hell that will always just be; just as each person who knew that dream must do in their own time and way. This year’s ride has contained more of the hell side of the circle of heavell for Arie as feelings can be and are exhausting; leaving it hard to breathe and to know where to step next. With each year, he has been generating and sharing a concrete thing, hugs, during a time of the year that can be overwhelming for so many. The green truth is that Arie does this for others but the real truth is that he is also finding his way through life on those train rides each year. Arie sacrifices more than most realize for those hugs spread out over the cities that the trains stop at. For years he has personally funded those acts of kindness until disability placed him in the vulnerable position of being perceived through the generosity of others on his GoFundMe. Please check him out on Facebook at HugTrain; it is a non-profit organization. He still has a few more days to go and you can see his trip from the beginning until the end there. Arie will probably never know the impact that he has had on one life or perhaps even many lives over the past ten years; only those who carry it on the inside know the real truth. After speaking with him, I was once again reminded of my ex-father-in-law who gave me the greatest gift via a hug on a day when life was more than I could bear. Never stop Arie because people like me need you to help us express what is on the inside without the use of words that don’t always mean the same thing to others. As you said, “A hug conveys the message that you are seen and that you matter”. Thank you Arie Moyal for your time and your words of wisdom.
To All: Addiction is an opportunity to discover and know every part, the hell and the heaven, of ourselves as well those of others. You are more than the substance abuse that affects your life; whether an addict or not. Love, hate, accept or change every part but never deny the BLAH or you will remain fractured. It matters not what I say for my emotional definitions belong to me but it does matter what you do with the knowledge of you; you are your own guide. If I were you I would see what in the mirror? That which is on the inside will be expressed on the outside; determining whether you are just in hell or if beauty will be found no matter where you are. If your scared just say your scared because we all are at some point. When was the last time you hugged yourself; especially when life brings you more than you can bear? See you soon, love Heaven and Hell.
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