What are you aware of when you speak or do things? Are you able to feel your words and actions in your heart; especially those that are or have been detrimental your wellbeing? What is your understanding of why you have acted and reacted in those ways? Is the sight of what is before you keeping you from understanding the whole; what you are and are not in control of? We can be all right even with parts or moments that aren’t because the power lies in what we do with the hell; believing, continuing or changing it. The beauty, that can be found no matter where you are, is your ability to consent to lifting up what needs to be; eventually in your matter of time. If you seek to be seen and heard on the outside of yourself, this is you disappearing into the shadows on the inside; whether an addict or not. Say what needs to be said for you but understand that perceptions can be different depending upon the position and the view. The trail belongs solely to you to see beyond what you just know; especially of your pain. Can you consent to loving, hating, accepting and changing all of you on the inside; the place where you are the perfect person to do so? As the beholder of your hell, whether brought by you and or others, you are the most powerful person to decide what you will do with any of it; falling, stepping, or walking in circles. So what if there have been moments that all but destroyed you? All of it matters but the hope is that if you have been breathing in that hell, you will also perceive that you are the beholder of the equally important heaven as well. What has been done cannot be undone no matter what we want, need or even hope for. What will you do with your moments and feelings today? Your superpower is to take all that has been and just be you; believing in the whole of you rather than just some parts or some moments. As a perfectly, irritatingly, messy person, you have always been the beholder of a life that is so very heavell.
We don’t have to be an addict to look for relief outside of ourselves. We don’t have to be an addict to feel unheard nor to be unseen. We also don’t have to be an addict in order to create harm within ourselves and or for others. Whether we fall into hell or are there with or without our consent, we are not what happens to us but we are what comes from it. If all we view is what has been in the yesterdays, believing and repeating it, then hell will always be close by; waiting for the perfect moment for us to fall again or to become an epidemic. This is you continuing to feel pain because no matter where you are, it will all feel the same; through that same view. Our ability to deal with the controversary on the inside of us determines how we cope with what is on the outside; especially whether or not we seek to justify or to alleviate our pain there. I have been, and at times can still be, loud with my little boxes of feelings; consenting to feeding the hell. It would seem as if I am being strong but the real truth is that I am at my weakest in those moments. Those feelings overwhelm my ability to view anything beyond what is in front of me. They keep me in the same place on the inside; despite the different people, places. things or moments around me. We don’t have to be an addict in order to walk in circles while expecting a different outcome. I believe that you matter, every dream does, but in order for change to occur, you have to get quiet; and listen to all of you. As the beholder of the all that has been for you, this is the moment that you look in the mirror and say “I am sorry”. I am me and you are you. We are the sometime warriors in this so very heavell life that fall so that we may see more than just what is before us. We may be the perfect people to bring hell but we are also each the solution to changing it.
Heavell would like to acknowledge the Tucson Police Department and the University of AZ for their partnership in letting addicts know that they matter. Change on the inside is difficult enough to deal with, whether an addict or not, but it is especially complicated when what is on the outside is also a part of the problem. What is in the words that you say to yourself; as well as others? Thank you for viewing beyond what has been in front of you; for seeking the place to step next.
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