In this so very heavell life, some of our feelings start and stop while others remain perpetually in motion. Because of that, it can be difficult to breathe and to remember the all that we are; whether an addict or not. Despite the desire to instill hope and motivation in us, words or phrases that focus on just feeling or being positive can actually have the opposite effect in our hearts. Those words feed the hell when we are unable to do as they say; creating a sense of yet another failure. Then, in order to hide the real truth, we will only let others see our green truth; even though that can be detrimental. After all, as we are, our minds are not able to talk our hearts out of carrying the weight of the world. Have you ever felt that way; whether an addict or not? Your words are used to narrate your story while your feelings hold the experiences of how each moment has felt in your heart. No one knows the all of you better than you do. What you do now with that understanding is a part of you finding this way or that way in order to help yourself go through. If you are scared, then just say you are as loud as you possibly can; we all are at some point even if we don’t appear to be. If you need help to do this, that is a strength; you consenting to showing up for you. But as you go through, understanding and being kind to the place that needs it most, also accept that it is all right to not be all right. The art of living in heavell is found in treating the hell and the heaven moments and parts equally; as each holds value in the creation of you. At times your life will be inspiring and at other times it will hurt while also having moments that are just BLAH; starting, stopping and perpetually moving. This is you and this is me in this kind of life; together and also not together. While you may go this way and I might just go that way, we are both able to take the nothing that came from nowhere and turn it into something beautiful; also known as sometime warriors that fall down.
Positive words, phrases and stories have and hold the power of inspiration for those that are in the place to hear those things. When someone has fallen, we will often use them to help lift that person up; to give hope. What’s not there, though, is our ability to change the hell for an individual by pointing out what we understand, from the outside, to be the heaven for that person. In the first few of years Ryan’s addiction, I spent a lot of time talking about, or rather reminding him of, all the amazing things that he was and had done; hoping to inspire him to return to that perceived of state. He was, after all, the kindest, smartest, defender of the underdog, most athletic, most handsome, the giver of bear hugs, funniest, most intuitive, give you the shirt off his back kind of dream who became a nightmare as a fallen angel who lied and stole a lot in order to feed his heroin habit. I really struggled with the contrast between what I viewed from the outside versus what Ryan had been experiencing on the inside. How did it feel when someone else decided what a moment felt like for you? Have you done that to others as well? Pain that is unheard becomes timeless regardless of positive words; able to wreak havoc in this moment and the next and the next one too. By trying to hand Ryan his will to fight, I prevented him from really speaking about the things that had gone wrong as well as what held pain; his real truth. Things changed for the better, even with falls, when he was able to narrate his story; while we both listened. We are all joined through the use of words but we do not view nor feel them in the same manner on the inside; even the inspirational ones. In this so very heavell life, you will be misunderstood and you will misunderstand as well; accept that. What’s not there is your ability to get someone to see or feel exactly as you do. What is there, though, in your superpowers is the capacity to find the understanding for each other. Beauty, fear, hope, pain and the BLAH are in the heart of the beholder. Turn around and step into the place that needs you. Then turn around again and listen to how others feel. Use their words to help you understand more about how you feel as well as how they do; the view beyond what is just in front of you. Do this because of and for you; whether an addict or not. After all, what is thought to be the nothing that came from nowhere has always been living somewhere. This is me, this was Ryan and this is you living this kind of life. If you are going to do what I say then just go that way because you already know how to lose yourself the other way. But whatever you choose to do, here’s to the “f” moments that make each of us who we are; also known as perfectly, irritatingly, messy people. Oh hell, maybe we should just turn around and go that way instead.
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