Thank You #197

This week, for whatever reason, I am walking in circles in my thoughts and feelings. I keep imagining that if I could just talk to Ryan some how all that I am carrying will simply transform from what feels so uncomfortable and hurts into what would be all right or tolerable. Perhaps what’s there is because there are things that I want to be able to say again to him like “I love you” or “I am sorry for my part” or “thank you for what you have taught me” or maybe it’s just because I don’t want to do my kind of life without his presence in it or it could be the fabulous rains from the monsoons that we use to always enjoy together or it’s all of those items along with the fact that I am tired and I don’t want to have to continue to go through this pain. It has even occurred to me that if I could figure out exactly what is causing me to fall in my emotions, I could then avoid those triggers and only step into the moments that are fun and filled with flowers or are relatively easy to encounter. Wouldn’t that be so heavenly to only be a part of the things that allow me to just simply go along on my trail? Or to not have to find understanding for the items and moments that feel so impossible? The appearance of those thoughts seem perfect but unfortunately I am familiar with behaving in that way and doing so again would mean turning around and going back to the yesterdays where that particular coping of mine is a detail in the reasons why I am here in this place today. There is also the real truth in that desire that by removing what I don’t want I would also have to eliminate parts of Ryan and while I hated being in the midst of those moments where he brought hell, they are now important memories of him and the change that came because of him. I can reach out for support from the others who have also lost a child but sometimes that connection we share actually feeds the hell in me rather than bringing the relief that I am seeking. So what is possible when I don’t want to think and feel as I do and yet no matter where I go, it is going to follow me because I am the one carrying it on the inside where it can’t be seen even though it is so loud in there that it feels like the world should be able to hear it as well? This is me and I don’t have to be in the middle of hell to feel as if I am still trying to step forward from it. After all, this is a so very heavell life and there are moments of regret and grief that we need boxes of tissues for right along with the things that make us laugh. All of it is meant to encourage us to find understanding and change but sometimes the series of movements that are a part of this journey make breathing in brave seem out of reach; at least for today or even this week. So change out my term, Ryan, and replace it with whatever person, place or thing that is tripping you up. Imagine that even though we are different, you are able to understand me and I you because whatever is before you is as important as what is within me despite the differences and the particulars that separate us. Now, in this moment, what can you do for you? Is it that you simply need to be kind to you because today isn’t your day? Or do you only want to experience what’s easy for a while like smelling the flowers instead of picking your own weeds? Whatever you choose to do, just don’t stay in that place for far too long because there’s a balance of chaos and beauty as well as “I am sorry” and “thank you” that’s just perfect for you in your kind of life. You need all of you, even the parts that you hate or don’t want from your list, in order to go through. I am going to wait right here for me until I am ready to try again and you can show up for you too by having the best day, week or whatever by knowing that what feels like weakness is really the moment before strength begins. Oh hell you can’t be found if you don’t get lost at least once in a while. In other words there is no need to be strong when you only have flowers and possible can’t be understood without the painful details of impossible. Love Always, Heavell.