The words “see you” carry the understanding that you will intersect with an individual again in the future. Ryan frequently used that phrase to impart that we would encounter each other in another moment; but he also said them in a conversation. In life we have the need to be perceived of by others; especially to be recognized as being valuable. When we are fractured, the loudest part or parts on the inside of us can guide us to the people, places, things, substances or even the BLAH that we find some connection with; even if it is detrimental to our wellbeing. What Ryan was telling me, through the use of those words, was that he was able to see and accept me; beyond just what I appeared to be. If I were you, what would I see in the mirror? Would it just be the hell or the heaven of you; whether an addict or not? The green truth is that some parts or only other people are heaven while the real truth is that we are all so very heavell. We each have the ability to lift up and or to destroy ourselves; as well as others. That power then creates the victims, monsters, sometime warriors and everything else in between that live on the inside of us; as well as the outside of us. What if in a moment like this you were to see you and others for all that we each are: because a part or some parts can never equal a whole? What if you were to accept that you are the perfect person to feel and to bring hell just as you are the ideal individual to do the same with heaven; finding beauty no matter where you are? Another part of Ryan’s sobriety was found in the embracing of our being perfectly, irritatingly, messy people; all that we are, have been and will be. What has been done in the yesterdays cannot be undone but it need not be what is in the tomorrows; unless of course we continue to repeat the same behaviors and feelings while expecting a different outcome. Just as sometime warriors stand for different amounts of time in us, so do the victims, the monsters and the everything else. You should not be here but you are because you failed to treat the heaven and the hell equally; both are yours to have and to hold even if you only have heavenly expectations. Take the hand of fear and that of courage and breathe in brave; because I see you walking in your circles while feeling the BLAH. I’m just in this place waiting for you to say “So what if I am a “f” moment maker or have “f” parts?” As you are, you are the perfect person to be so very heavell; loving, hating, accepting or changing but never denying the whole of you. After all, you didn’t come into addiction as a part and you can’t leave it as only one either.
Why are we either more than or less than; in all that we are or are capable of? That question was left on one of Ryan’s voice recordings; where he pondered how we influence ourselves as well as others. Being less than implies that an individual or a part’s value is not as great as someone else’s just as being more than indicates someone or a part has a desirability that is greater than another; as we desire heaven over hell in our lives. One of the pieces that guided Ryan’s fall into addiction came through the belief that he was less than; also known as the hell. It had not mattered that he was great at so many things when the words of others had implied otherwise; breathing what was said into his heart. His little boxes of feelings carried the weight of the world; as well as the justification for coping through the use of substances. Located within the all of you are the chains that bind you to whatever hell you feel, believe in or have been through. What if you were to do the same with your heaven; regardless of its size or strength? Addiction is a superpower because while it has the ability to destroy, it also has the capacity to lift up; carrying the real truth that we are more than, less than and also everything else in between. So what? As we are, we have it all to have and to hold; whether we want it or not or hide it or not. The value is in the heart of you as the holder of all that has been in the yesterdays; treat all of it equally. Please stand by because you’ve got heavell and as such you are a perfectly, irritatingly, messy person who walks in circles, feels the pain and has a sometime warrior living in the shadows; as well as victims, monsters and the BLAH. I will be waiting right here until you see what I see; that you are feeding the hell with the help of the apple known as justification. See you. Love, Heaven and Hell.
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