The similarities that can be found within addiction leads us to group together those who become addicts and yet in doing so, we fail to seek out the individualism that is necessary in order to find sobriety for each person; based upon his or her personal circle of heavell. I was reminded today that common sense plays a role in how we should approach addiction as well as each independent addict. That sage advice came from a retired narcotics officer who spent many, many years battling the gritty trail of drug transportation and sales in Texas as well as several other states. He told me that with each arrest, he perceived of the person before him as an individual with his or her own potential to be heaven or hell rather than being all the same type. This officer strove to find the balance in each of those moments and often found beauty by maintaining that composure. He still had to enforce the laws but within his actions he was able to use his judgement to de-escalate situations; resulting in those who were being arrested reciprocating in the same manner. Every day we place our judgement on others by deciding how they feel or should feel and then we act/react based upon our perceptions. Those behaviors then can and do perpetuate the very things that we are trying to prevent or even stop. I have to imagine that the demeanor of this retired officer allowed those people, at least for a moment, to acknowledge their hell; giving rise to the possibility of their pulling their own weeds, eventually. How do you feel about anything and everything? What is in the words that you speak to yourself and to others? Can you listen without breathing in the words of others into your heart?
As much as I had needed the connection, the understanding, that can be found within the group of parents of addicts, I was also in need of being seen for myself. My story is completely unique in my life although there are certainly similarities that I share with all the other parents of addicts. Whether you are an addict or the loved one of an addict, your specific emotional definitions lead you to hear what you hear, to feel what you feel and then to how you choose to behave. Regardless of any semblances, the perspective of your pain and feelings can only be found within your heart and thus must be dealt within you by you. Ryan and I had differing views in regards to addiction and the hell that it entails. Those substances, after all, had brought a cathartic relief for him by hiding the traumas and the inadequate parts, while helping him to cope; even though overtime that solace required more substances in order to achieve that same comfort. It was important that he gave a voice to what those substances did for him and why he felt he needed that. By my listening to his position without the apples known as judgement and denial or with the need to control, Ryan was able to hear himself. I am not the one who fell into hell nor am I the one who chose to cope through the use of substances. Therefore it is not my feelings that hold the power in the prevention of substance abuse or addiction nor in the finding of sobriety and then the maintaining of it. Our words do carry the ability to lift up and or destroy others but once an individual has begun hiding his or her parts for whatever reason, that person must be the one to seek them out in order to become whole. What is on the inside will be expressed on the outside; sometimes in secret and sometimes very publicly despite the feelings of others.
Unfortunately I am again aware of several teenagers who are using substances while at school despite teachers, parents and the administration being present or at least nearby. Teenagers begin the process of controlling what they can control in their lives; especially considering the pressures that they face and feel. Those actions often entail breaking rules as they seek their independence through their own decisions; rather than those of controlling adults. How many of those teens have participated in a drug program and or heard “just say no” or “don’t do drugs” from adults, including their own parents? How many future, current and former users have also done so and or heard those same words? How many of them will continue to cope through substances and become our future addicts? How many of them are completely aware of how their parents or others feel about anything and everything but are hiding their own? Using substances in order to cope, which enables the hiding of parts, feelings and traumas, is an incredibly complicated matter that has not been solved by telling anyone to “not use them” or to “stop using them” or by pointing out the potential harm that may befall them. If it were that simple my son would not have become an addict nor would anyone else’s loved one. We cannot ask others, especially teens, to value our feelings over their own regardless of the knowledge and or the experience that we have. Our words no longer carry all that should be; as they had in the yesterdays. It is their words or lack there of that matters now as well as the ones spoken by those that they need to be perceived by. The path of least resistance and ultimately the most successful one, encompasses the listening to and valuing of others’ thoughts and feelings. Common sense then would seem that If we want to prevent the fall of any more angels, we should ask them what they need from us and how they feel about anything and everything; rather then tell those who are seeking independence what they must do. We are all the perfect people to accept, change, love or hate every part of ourselves but never to deny or hide any of those parts. Pick your own weeds and listen so that hopefully others, especially our dreams, will follow. Sadly, if we continue to behave today as we did yesterday, we will see you soon future addicts because every day we do the same thing while expecting a different outcome.
To Ricky: It was an honor for Taylor and I to meet you. Thank you for sharing your stories that were tinged with humor and wisdom. Thank you for your common sense service of 39 years. I hope you will write that book and if you do, I will buy the first copy. Stay safe out there.
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